Beauty Undone

I Moved!!!

2011-02-03T15:49:00.001-05:00

Beauty Undone has moved. I had been debating a move for a little while, and have taken the leap. After asking a few friends what they thought of the new format, and dinking around on it a while, I decided that I could better serve and write from Word Press. So as of today I will be doing just that!
This blog will still be up for a while, but will no longer have new postings.
To visit the new Beauty Undone go here :

Beauty Undone

Thanks! Hope you enjoy the new look, feedback is always welcome!

Life Changes....So Do I

2011-01-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

I have also updated the Who I Am page here on my blog.
As life changes so do I. So please if you haven't, take a minute to get to know a little bit about me.

Perfectionism Causes Fear

2011-01-28T10:53:00.000-05:00

As I have worked to change my blog, and my thinking about my blog, I have been praying for wisdom, for direction, and for His will concerning this space. I have a bit of an idea about what Father is asking of me. Yet, I have been hesitating. It seems there is more I should know about making this space His. This morning I was wondering though, what if the hesitation is not in questioning what He wants anymore, but in my need for perfection? I know what He is asking of me. I know that Father wants me to make this space in my life a place of encouragement. A place where scripture flows through it. A place that points all (including myself) right to Him. Easy enough right? :P

So if I know all of these things, it occurred to me that I must be delaying because I am letting my perfectionism get in the way. In the last week I have formed several blog posts ~ in my head. Why have I not put them here? Well, there is the excuse about how drained I have felt this week....but it is just an excuse right? Really though, I know it is because I want this place to be perfect before I come in, and share. Perfectionism, is a nasty thing! It delays the Father's work in your life! I don't know how it effects you, but for me perfectionism usually results in a paralyzing fear. If I feel I cannot get something done totally right, then I am afraid of starting it at all. Tell me I'm not alone in this, people! Another way it hinders me is, I spend so much time trying to make something perfect,then I lose sight of what God is calling me to focus on in the first place! Yet this has never been how God has works in my life. Why I thought it would be this time is beyond me :D Father doesn't wait for us to be perfect before He shares with us, so why I thought that was the case this time....I have no idea!

So here is the thing, I am going to dive back into this blog. Work through my fears, and set to work doing what Father is asking of me!!

You will also notice some changes in format. I want a place that looks right to the Father, and I have noticed that the less cluttered my blog is the more I can just focus on the words. So I thought I would try keeping it simple for a while.

Here is my question to you.....
What things has Father asked of you that you are delaying because of perfectionism or fear???

Steps, and a Video

2011-01-18T17:28:00.003-05:00

Overwhelmed.
This is how I feel at this very moment. Only pull.

It has been a day of ups and downs. Good, slow, simple moments interrupted by stressful, disobedient, lonely moments. I wonder what it is that I am doing wrong? Why this struggle of maintaining a peaceful life ( 1 Peter 3:11 Turn away from evil and do good Search for peace, and work to maintain it.) and the rhythms of grace

( Matthew 11:30 Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.")

Oh to live freely and lightly! What leads me away from the quietness I so long for?

I am not firmly set. That is my biggest problem. My feet sink and slide, allowing me to be pushed and pulled in every direction. I don't see who I am or what I am to be doing with myself, my time. So I allow myself, my time, to be thrown about aimlessly. Only to hit and miss what my Father is asking of me.

I am not firm in Him, seeking Him for my every movement. Leaning towards His voice for my daily instruction. I seem to take a hit and miss approach for that too.

My heart beats wildly in panic as I try to gain control of the chaos around me. As I rush from one thing to the next attempting to fulfill my idea of what my place in this world should be. The idea that seems to be handed to every woman out there: keep busy, keep moving, there is no stopping, no rest. It's your job to keep running.

But is it really? Or should I be still? Planted firmly in my Father for my steps to be chosen my Him? Even the small filling the dishwasher, daily jobs, day in and day out steps. Should I be daily taking my cues from the whisper of His spirit in my ear? Seeking Him with my every move to make sure that all my steps are given by Him? Father when will I understand that my every move should be a response to the sound of your voice in my life? When will I see that the only steps I should be taking are toward you? That all my moments are meant to be given back to you? Teach me that.
(This was taken directly out of my personal journal.)

On another note: Ann Voskamp writes the blog Holy Experience. I have found her writing to be nothing short of the Father speaking grace through her words. She just released a book: One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Freely Right Where You Are. I could tell you about it, but she does a much better job at that! Please watch the video. I did not plan for it to go with this post, but Father knows what He is doing! I hope it challenges you. Enjoy.

One more note: There are still changes coming to this blog-even still the possibility of a blog address change. I have just been slow going at this, as I have still been seeking what God wants me to do in this space.

To Better Encourage You

2011-01-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

It's a new year, and my thoughts are in complete chaos! I have been putting a lot of time into praying, thinking, and trying to prepare for what God has for me in the next year. There are some changes He is asking of me. Some I have already started, and some I am still trying to figure out how to execute. I have many blog post ideas running rampant in my head. I am going to start working on them soon, and am very excited about it!

One thing I wanted to make you aware of is; this blog will be changing. I have been very impressed by Father that there is so much He wants from this space in my life. So much that I could be giving, and even receiving through it, and so much that He is asking of me. In order to do that better I am spending some time with Him, seeking what He wants for this blog, and then the changes will come. To better serve my Father in this space I will be making changes to the blog's format, the content, and possibly moving the blog altogether. Hang in there with me, please!! I hope to make this place better as a source of encouragement, praise, learning, study, with a little bit of me thrown in :D

One more thing I wanted to make you all aware of today is a series I have been reading for a while.
A Woman Inspired is an amazing woman's ministry that has been putting out 31 day blogging series for a few months now. Several wonderful, and well know bloggers are chosen to write 31 days of posts on a topic related to the focus.
Through out the month of November I loved reading one bloggers 31 days of posting on Grace, and am now enjoying the new series. This month the focus is 31 Days of Ministry (Online)
Although I don't read every topic featured I have completely enjoyed, and been encouraged by the blogs that have focused on
Encouragement
Praise
and Intentional Parenting

I encourage you to go here and read through the different topics, check them out, and be encouraged!

The To Do List (and a few other random thoughts)

2010-12-20T16:22:00.001-05:00

Our Internet is back on. Hurray! Christmas is quickly approaching. We are having windows installed tomorrow. The whole weekend will be full of family, and friends ( who really are family too )

This is what my currant to do list looks like for today through Thurs.:D

Clean house

Do laundry

Go grocery shopping

Finish Christmas shopping -Dad's gift (anyone have any ideas what to get him?)

Finish making Christmas gifts-Scarfs for Mom, G ma.

Sew together Robe for hubby - for those of you who do not know my history with sewing clothes, this is your cue to laugh- hysterically!

Go on a date - yea for date night!

Have my brothers over

Return movie rentals

~~Unpack boxes of books~~ Yea! All done with that one!

Cook for family dinners - Peanut butter fudge, hummus, stuffed mushrooms, and more!

Have new windows installed

Wrap the rest of the gifts

So that is the next few days. Then there are all the gatherings to follow! :D Fun but very, very busy.

I am so grateful that we have our Internet back. I am wondering though if it maybe a good time to cut down on my blog reading. I was reading about 40ish a day and that was keeping it at a minimum for me, but I really don't have that much time. The issue is, who do I cut? ~Sigh~
I am also wishing for an "in my hands" bible study. I have been doing ones on line, and reading books, but I am ready to dig into a study that I can hold again....silly I know. Do you have any suggestions?

I was asking my mom just last night if she remembered a Christmas movie that she rented for us when I was young called : Christmas at Willow Creek. She did, but had no idea where to get it any more. It's a very old movie, and was not hugely popular. Well, after leaving my parents house last night my hubby needed something from the store, and wouldn't you know but it was there and on sale! I bought it, and can't wait to sit down with some cocoa and watch it. I love watching Christmas movies!

I could go on and on, but I really should get back to that list. What does your week look like?

Life in Paragrphs

2010-12-12T07:02:00.001-05:00

Life has moved on in the last few months, and I have missing being able to write here. We have been with out Internet for over a month now, and while I have enjoyed the time to get things done. Time to separate myself from it for a while, and spend more time in the word, reading, and living life.....I am very much ready to have it back now! We made a commitment in our home to forgo Internet until there was a reliable income again. So far that has not happened, and so we are currently still with out.

In the first week of November we moved....again. We left our lovely town that we wanted to stay in forever, well, at least for many years yet. We moved a half an hour south to an even more conservative Amish town. It is different. In some ways easier, and some harder. We now live in the country surrounded by a very small tourist attraction, and then....nothing. Our driveway puts us a third of a mile off the road. The space we now have is much bigger, and has taken some getting used to. But, it is a lovely home, and I enjoy taking care of it.

My husband has still been looking for work. Having no stable income is a thing of trust, and concern all at the same time. It looks like his time of unemployment is coming to a close, as he has a possible job offer coming. We continue to pray for God's leading. He has been working on some drywall jobs the last few weeks. It keeps him gone, but that may also be coming to a close.

My daughter continues to grow, and challenge me as a mother, an individual, and a follower of Christ. She says the craziest off the wall things, and lives in her own world of logic. I increasingly grow weary of being the person she hangs on most of the waking and sleeping hours, but I know this time will be brief, then she will be off, and needing me no more. I wonder often why God picked me to be her mother, and if He truly realized how short I would fall at showing Him to her. Then I think of course God knows how I struggle to bring her to Him at every opportunity. I ask for forgiveness, and grace, and I pick up my girl and hold her tight, and tell her of Jesus and His love. Later I fail again, over and over to guide her to Him, but there is always Grace. Thank you Father for your grace.

Christmas is quickly approaching and I seek to focus on the true reason for the celebration. I love this time of year, the snow, the baking, the music, the beauty, and even the gifts. I also want to keep Jesus fulling in the center. This is so hard. It is to easy to get caught up in the busyness, and forget to see the simple beauty of the love, the sacrifice, and the hope. I long to always keep Jesus fully in the center of all I see.

In years past we have bought gifts for our family, and friends. This year we are limited by money, and there is a big part of me that is quite glad. I am making 95% of our gifts this year. Hand knitted/crocheted scarves for almost everyone. Not only does it cut back on cost (I was gifted a lot of the yarn) but it allows me time to pray for each person as I create something just for them. :D I love to pray for people as I make things for them.

My little girl on the other hand, is getting a bought gift. Last spring she received an American Girl catalog in the mail. Much to my surprise she spent hours and hours pouring over the things in that catalog, and while I don't want to promote that "I want" attitude, it was very sweet to see her so excited about the dolls and all their things. A few months after the catalog arrived she was still looking at it endlessly, when my mom called about a garage sale that was selling some of the dolls. I drove the 30 minutes to check it out, and got there with one doll left. The doll was being sold along with a small dog, 2 outfits, shoes, and accessories. The cost of all these things new would have been well over 200 dollars. I was able to get them at just over a quarter of that price. I can't wait until Christmas morning! When ever she is asked what she wants for Christmas her list always starts with that catalog. I am so thankful for the find that God provided months ago when we had the money. I have never been one to buy and tuck away gifts, but this is well worth the wait.

This morning my husband is sharing his testimony at our church. It is an amazing one of sin, and guilt replace with redemption! (Of course they all are) I can't wait to see him share it with our church family. As nervous at he is (and I admit, I'm nervous too) I know that Father will be greatly glorified today, and will use this in an amazing way in someones life! Thank you Abba for your forgiveness, your grace, your mercy, and your love.

Well, I could go on with so much more. Making decisions on school, Christmas parties, baby showers, things learned in time with God, and where He is taking me.....just to get you interested :D I think I will leave that for another time.
May you be blessed with peace, and joy abundantly.

I Know that I Know......But Could Someone Just Tell My Heart??

2010-10-25T14:39:00.001-04:00

I know that I have been absent for a while. That was not my intention, of course. I wanted to write, but I have had so much going on that my brain was just not working well enough to compose a post. Even now I wonder if publicly writing what is in my head might possibly the worst idea I have had in a long time.

In just a few short weeks we will have no income. Months ago my husband separated his shoulder. It has prevented him from working in the capacity that he always has, and as a result of that he has been unable to find work. Unemployment has helped, but it ends in a few weeks.
Also in a few weeks we are being asked to move. The landlord wants our space for an office. So with no income we will also be homeless. We have known this for a month, and I have remained calm.Until now.....

Today, I have been struggling greatly with TRUST (among other things). Do you ever just struggle over and over again with something and wonder if you will ever get it? Trust is that thing for me. The words that keep playing over and over in my mind today are trust, hope, faith, peace, grace, safety, provision. For weeks, even months I have done really well with these words. I have grown in them, I have seen, and experianced them. I have not doubted them.

Then this weekend I woke up several times in the middle of the night totally panic stricken. The feeling has not yet left. I have let doubt creep in, fear, LOTS of fear, sadness, confusion, pain, and anger. I have allowed my circumstances to control my emotions rather than giving my emotions to my Father.
I am not sure what to do about it either. It is one thing to say have faith....it is quite another to get yourself to do just that.

I know, that I know, that I know that God will take care of us. I also know that it will be His timing which is most commonly not my timing. That it will also be His way, which also has not commonly been my way. I know this. I know I am not forgotten. But my heart just doesn't hear me say that right now.

So in light of this panic filled weekend, that seems to be slinking it's way into my week. I have spent time praying and searching, and getting in the word. I have spent time with others so as not to be alone in depression. Yet, I struggle. I worry. I panic.

So that is where I am at today. Seeking the Father. Trying not to cry. Knowing of His faithfulness, but not connecting it to my heart.

Fear....A Sin??

2010-10-06T21:22:00.000-04:00

It was recently pointed out to my by a very sweet, but bold Godly woman that fear is a sin. I had completely NOT remembered this, to which she pointed out that could be a tool of the enemy to keep me in sin.

Thoughts on this???

The Scent of Worship

2010-10-02T21:42:00.002-04:00

The fundraiser went fabulous, and even though I was an emotional mess by the time I got home, and I am still feeling really drained, I am glad I had to opportunity to work with such wonderful people for such a wonderful little boy! It looks like all the money needing to be raised for the dog is now raised!!!! Praise God!

So I have had something on my mind/heart for a few weeks now that I would really like to share with you. I was reading Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You about the loss of her daughter Audrey. She recounted a portion of a sermon she once heard and it has really stuck in my head. I am going to re post part of it from her book here. I would love to post the full 8 pages of this section, but that would be too much. I implore you to get a copy and read it, or even go to Amazon and look up pages 121-128. ( I wouldn't usually recommend this method but seriously if you can't get a copy of the book read it there!) I greatly encourage you to ponder it, meditate on, live it out.....

Days after the resurrection of Lazarus a celebration was held in honor of Jesus. Everyone was gathered around the Lord when Mary shattered a bottle of perfume and wiped the lavish scent across His feet with her hair. The scent was to be used in a society where bathing was not frequent so this particular nard was extremely pungent. A few drops would have been more than enough, but with out regard to cost, or what those around her might think she simply poured it all out as an act of worship. Many have speculated that Mary was preparing her beloved savior for His death and burial, but our pastor went on to explain that-The scent of the perfume surely would have been on His skin a few days later when He was beaten and crucified. So in essence, every time a Roman soldiers whip hit Him, the scent of Mary's worship was released and rose all around Him. A reminder of who He was.
~
As Mary and the others who loved Jesus watched Him, they were overcome with desperation. The Lord Himself cried out in hurt, and they stood helpless watching as the breath of this life left Him. At some point she left the site of the crucifixion and I imagine wandered the streets in sadness to visit and mourn with friends and family. Here is the part you many not have considered before now. Every where she went, every step of the way, she was followed. Every person she came into contact with, every stranger who saw her cry, every home she entered was being filled with something intangible, a gift that would be with her for many days to come. It was scent of love fore her Savior, and it was caught in her hair. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine the beauty of this image. She was carrying with her the invisible yet ever present reminder of who He was to her with out a single word she told His story over and over again.

Taken from "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith pages 121,122,127,128

I would love to hear your feedback on this!

Joshua is Keeping My Week Busy!

2010-09-29T13:41:00.001-04:00

I have wanted to post for days. I have something on my heart that means a lot to me. I want to share it. I am crazy busy this week. Unfortunately something ( or several somethings) are going to have to go.....blogging may be one of those somethings. So while I am going to try and get back here in the next day or two, I can't promise.

In the mean time, check out this cutie: Joshua. He has autism and this week there is a benefit in his honor to raise money for a service dog for him. (Which is what has me crazy busy!)
Come on out if you can:
Friday Night
5pm to 9pm
Goshen Theater
216 S. Main st., Goshen
Deserts, Coffee, and a Silent Auction!

To read more about this fun night visit my friend Rachel's blog.

Hope to be back soon to share my heart with you!

Letting Go

2010-09-14T14:04:00.000-04:00

My day has been themed. Let go....Heal
I have been in grief all day. Late last night I was hurt deeply. Over and over. It was all relationship hurts. I was to blame. It was rejection. I didn't understand why. It was a feeling of being discarded. My heart bleed. I cried into my pillow for what seemed like hours. My husband lay beside me, telling me it wasn't my fault. I have been hurt many times in relationships. You have too, I know.
I felt withdraw. I felt like closing up. I felt a need to grab my Savior's robes, and cry into his chest, and hold on so tight that I couldn't let go.

The hurt is still there. I have spent the day in quiet. Just me, and my little girl. I have refused to do anything with anyone today. I told people no, feeling guilty about it, but knowing that I needed to let God take care of me today. That I needed time with Him, and time alone, and time to just be, to heal. I decided today needed to be low key. Healing, reading His words, clinging, and resting. I didn't know that God would be telling me to let go. It's so hard.
Let go....of the pain, the unforgiveness, control. Let go how others see me. Let go of me, and clinging to Him.
Just be in the calm of the day ( I have so few of those) and lean on the one who heals. That is what I am working on today.

Part of me would love to withdraw forever. That's the kind of person I am. That is not what God is calling me to do. So tomorrow I return back to my busy life. Three things already planned for the day! But today I am working on letting go.

*Side Note* I am loving this song. I just found it today, doesn't it speak so loudly???

Come By Here

2010-09-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

What God Has Given Me

2010-09-09T12:37:00.000-04:00

These next few weeks are full. Not that they are ever empty, but there seems to be a lot more going on than normal.
In just three short week our church is hosting a desert and coffee fundraiser with a silent auction. I have been asked to knit fingerless gloves (and possibly scarves) in addition to making a few gratitude journals. These are all items that I would like to get made to start my own Etsy shop . So I am hoping to get extra's made and the shop opened during the next few weeks as well. I only have two weeks to complete the projects for the auction. The third week will be needed for baking as I am also baking a portion of the deserts for the benefit. Fun, fun, fun. I have worked on several fundraisers in the last few years. Some have been more stressful that others, but I have always had some fun!

This weekend we have the joy of keeping my best friends boys while she and her hubby get away for a weekend in Chicago!! Sounds great! I love having her boys around. Lily's best friend and stand in brothers (hope it's ok to say that), it's always such sweet thing. The weather has been great these last few days, and if the rain holds off I think we will be outdoors as much as possible. Sat. morning we are hoping to make it to Ted Yoder's concert. Such beautiful sounds he makes with the Hammered Dulcimer.

I have joined an intense study on the kingdom of God. There is more digging in scripture than I have ever seen in a bible study. Great for me, I am loving getting in the word. Not so great for the busy life I lead, but possibly could help me slow down, if I need to take the time to be in the word.

A few days ago I was also praying about what God would have me read in His word next (during my own quiet time) He very clearly prompted me to read through Psalms. Later that day my hubby was sitting on the bed reading the word, and so I asked him where he was reading. Lo and behold: God told him to read Psalms too! I have really felt the spirit prompt me to read it over the next few weeks. So I have added 11 chapters of Psalm reading to my daily life :D Love it!

I am also really trying to buckle down and loose a few more pounds. I have been working out for what seems like ages! Watching what I eat, and changing portions, and how many servings of each food group I get in a day. It is only barely working. While I have lost a few pounds this year (25-30) it just doesn't show!!! I want to feel it, I want it to show, I want to have to pull out clothes in smaller sizes! So far that has not happened. So I am trying AGAIN to revamp my ways of eating, my ways of working out, and my ways of living. I know that hormones have a lot to do with my weight struggles. I have been wondering how much my stress and busyness has played a part in that. So a weight loss goal is becoming: breath, slow down, eliminate stress!

Well, there are so many other things going on in the next few weeks. So many things God is using to challenge me, and so many things that I am dreaming about. Unfortunately, I need to end this post for now, and get back to my daughter. Lunch~reading~menu planning~meetings....oh so many things.

Fall, I Have Missed You

2010-09-01T11:52:00.000-04:00

September 1st, I am officially craving apple pies, and pumpkin chocolate chip bread, and sweaters, and scarves, pumpkin spice lattes, and walks through fall colored leaves.
I have of course been unofficially craving these things for weeks now!! I am so happy this time of year is approaching. It is my favorite, and I think I could live in it at least 8 months out of the year! I am anxiously awaiting all the things I love about fall, and now I am becoming more impatient as it draws near.
I just bought my daughters winter wardrobe, and can't wait to see her in it! To cuddle on the couch with hot cocoa, and books. Doesn't my life just sound divine? :D Ah....fall....*sigh*

Creating & Beauty & Lots of Pictures

2010-08-30T13:33:00.003-04:00

These last four or five days have been crazy busy. I have created, shopped, seen about everyone I know :), driven all over the place, learned a lot, got stressed out, peopled out, and had some fun along the way.
I want to share some beauty I have captured lately, and also some of the creations I have made.

These beautiful sunflowers have been growing outside my home. I love to see them. Don't they just make you smile?

This truck was just to fun not to capture. My dear friend LOVES yellow smiley faces, and we just had to stop and take a picture for her. :)

A beautiful gift I won at a baby shower last week. So serene.

Knitting at my brother's football games. Creating with yarn~I love it!~

Preserving day with my dear friend. God blessed me through another family with green beans, then my friend added to it for a total of 8 frozen quarts. The middle picture: My tomatoes ready to be cut up and made into the yummiest sauce. 3 bags of it!

This is my friends salsa. This is the third time this year she has canned it. With all the tomatoes and peppers coming from her beautiful garden.

Now....you have the pleasure of looking at the beautiful things created for my little sister Serene's birthday!
A 6 layer 9x13 rainbow cake!

That is vanilla pudding between the layers to cut the sweet. Once it had been in the fridge a while it was so moist because the pudding soaked in! It took 3 cake mixes, 2 boxes of pudding, and 2 1/2 cans of frosting for this cake! But it was so yummy!

Whimsical writing gave it a fun feel. Don't you just love the vibrant colors? I do!

Handmade sketch pad. 24 colors of card stock make a beautiful pad. I drew the daisy on then painted it in. Stamped her name to personalize it. This resembles the gratitude journals I am making for Etsy, and a benefit coming up~It was a lot of fun.

In addition to the rainbow cake:
Knitted rainbow scarf, hand painted ladybug, and hand mande sketch book.

So there you have it.

I Pursue

2010-08-23T16:05:00.002-04:00

Last night my husband and I shared at our small group. We rotate teaching, and it was our week! We spoke about how what you pursue in your life/marriage can either hurt your marriage or attract you to each other. For example if I am pursuing my selfishness, I will only hurt my husband, and our relationship. If on the other hand I am spending time pursuing God, and the holiness He calls us to, well, it will be something attractive that will improve our marriage. We also talked a little bit about how marriage is God's context for challenging us to be holy. Quite a few of out thoughts came out of this book. Before diving into it though I read a poem that had been given to me. I have been asked to post it here. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

I pursue. I run. I chase. I long
I pursue what is in my heart.
Money, things, music, black boxes, and keyboards,
cars, and games, instruments, and perfection.
I run after it.
Fear of failure is hot on my heals.
I can't see anyone.
I don't see anything important.
Only my own wants.
My selfishness surrounds me
as my idols take over my body, mind, and soul from with in.

My spouse goes unnoticed.
Needs of others go with out.
Around me there is pain while I live in a world of my own.
While I purse the things in my world,
Hurt ensues around me.

Then I hear it.
Quietly calling to me.
God's voice draws me.
My focus shifts.
I see Him.
His glory.
I see who He is,
and who He made me to be.
I turn and run fully into His arms.
I race to the one who gives life.
I realize the life He gives
is different than the one I wanted.
I embrace it, full of love.
I pursue God fully,
letting Him change me body, and mind, and soul from with in.
The hurt I once caused is now being replaced
with love and servant hood.

I leave my idols behind to pursue God
and in that I find a great pursuit
of all things good and Godly.
I find my marriage changed
because I am loving my spouse with a Godly love
and my pursuit of God is healing my marriage.
Healing the hurt my idols have cost us.

The pursuit of idols hurt us
Left us broken and separated.
The pursuit of God
attracts me to my love, my spouse.

Germ Free School???

2010-08-21T09:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Lily had an evaluation at the school. Upon hearing that I plan to home school her the woman then lectured me about the benefits of public school compared to the negatives of homeschooling. I had told her one of the reasons we wanted to keep Lily home was because her immune system does not seem to be as strong as most kiddos. She informed me in her way that it was an excuse. She told me about another lead kid that went to school there and how they isolated him from others so he could be there. So sad to think of a kid being isolated in a room of other kids. She also told me this child had not made any progress with his lead poisoning in the last few years, huuummmm. I tried to figure out how they would keep germs at a minimum with kids, toys, and learning materials. Lily had already managed to touch every single toy in that room, and every thing she could along the way. The first place my daughter wanted to check out in the school was the tiny sinks, and toilets in the bathroom. So I was highly skeptical as to how they thought they could keep my child healthy.

Today, Lily has strep.

I don't blame the school. I know it could not have set in that quick, but I find it ironic that my point is my daughter picks up everything and I do all I can to keep her healthy. They think they can keep her healthy ....and yet a day later she is sick again.

I am just laughing at the irony.

"Your Daughter Is OVERWEIGHT"

2010-08-18T15:19:00.000-04:00

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

I am discouraged, and I am a little afraid. Lily had a WIC appointment today. She was weighed and measured. In the past she has been on the kind of small side. I have noticed recently that she still seems to be small compared to others (I know we shouldn't compare our kids). Especially in the height department. I have also noticed her face has been filling out, and she seems to be adding on a bit of chunk. Only once have they mentioned her weight creeping up being a concern, and it was quickly dismissed because of her height. Today, that was not the case. She is short at 38 1/2 inches(15% on the charts)-the same at she was 6 months ago. Since then though she has put on more weight and is now 39 pounds(96% on the charts). Her height and weight are almost the same number. She was red flagged in their system for being overweight. I was distressed! They talked to us about the food we eat at home. About not keeping to many candies, and chips and cookies on hand. They talked about making sure that she is an active child, and maybe not too much tv.

I know all of this. I try to put into practice all of this. Does she watch to much tv; yes. Does she eat junk food; occasionally. Is she active; yes, I think so. We try so hard in our home to watch what we are doing to our bodies. We try to eat healthy foods, and I would say we succeed at least 80% of the time. We try to make sure that we are staying active, even in a small space.

My husband and I are both overweight. I'm not talking just a little, I'm talking morbidly obese. It is hard. It hurts. It is a constant struggle. I try everyday to make good choices for myself and my family. My husband has had a life long battle, starting at a young age with bad habits. I didn't have any problems with my weight until my mid teens when I developed PCOS. Since then, I crawl in my skin everyday with the torture of being overweight. I have always had a fear that my daughter would have the same struggle, and now here it is starting me in the face.

She is only 4 years old, and yet I am scared for the rest of her life. I know that we are not supposed to live in fear. I also don't know how to help her. I am already trying so hard. So here I am again. Looking over our menus trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Trying to figure out what I can change, and wondering how I can get my baby healthy, and teach her to stay that way. She is at high risk for also developing PCOS and that scares me, but I know that if she starts out young, and overweight her chances go up. So here I go again. Back to the place I always go; to God for peace, and to my books for knowledge. I need to find a way to help her. I don't want her to have the lifelong struggle that I have had. I know that many people have told me not to worry about her weight because she is young, and it will work itself out. Now I am being faced with the actual label of "OVERWEIGHT" and I do feel like I should be doing something before that label results in other labels (pcos, diabetic, or the more horrible one: fat)

So now that I have written a very small portion of my panic away.....I'm going to look at my menu again, reread some books, again....and to sit with the Father.

Things I Am Loving Today

2010-08-16T20:04:00.000-04:00

#1 My beautiful little girl. She has helped me pick up, cuddled, read stories, helped her self 3 times to lunch, and played. I saw her little heart break today from dissapointment, and heard her excited screams when Daddy came home. Who can resist her? :D

#2 A clean house! It took me 5+ hours but it is clean and sanitized! Now if only it could stay that way!

#3 My nap. I was tired, but not done cleaning. Yet, I was able to stop myself and take a nap. A big thing for me to not finish cleaning first. So glad I did, or I would be dragging now!

#4 This verse: Job 23:12 I have esteemed and treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. Oh my word!~Conviction from the Spirit hitting me right in the soul!

#5 Parmesan crusted chicken, with tomato mozzarella salad, and Oh Baby cake for dessert! The appropriate words:
appealing, delectable, delicious, divine, flavorsome, heavenly, inviting, luscious, mouthwatering, palatable, savory, scrumptious, succulent, tantalizing, tasty, tempting, yummy

#6 This picture, it's just fun, and beautiful.

Rain on the sun roof

Who knows what the night holds.....a walk, a movie, reading, coffee????

The Business of Starting a Business

2010-08-10T11:32:00.005-04:00

Is it crazy to think of starting a home business when you don't really have any where to start from? My husband and I had a conversation two weeks ago about starting a home business to relive some of the financial burdens we have been feeling. We sat down with a note book and made a list of ideas. Some were possibly good ideas, some were bad, and some were very bad. At least we were trying. Then we went to the library, and checked out every book on small businesses that we could find. Every idea book there, well we took it!
So I'm going to share with you today some of those ideas. I am hoping that you will be willing to give me some feed back. Some of our ideas were for him, some for me, and some for both of us.

1. Mobil oil changes; We come to you to change your oil and give your car the tune up it needs.

2. Drywall inspections; Think you got a lousy drywall job? Do you want an estimate before the other guys try to pull one over on you....Semi retired drywall finisher will come to your home and provide you with and estimate, or show you all the trouble spots the need to be fixed so you don't have to keep calling the guy you hired back out.....Didn't I say we had some crazy ideas?

3. Mud Bogging Pit; (Can you guess who's idea that was?) Fields of mud just waiting to be sloshed around in. 15$ per..... Come get muddy.

4. Bread Baking Classes. You love the way a fresh loaf smells, and tastes but have never quite mastered it on your own. Take classes from the lady who can transform your whole carb world :D 5$ (still thinking about price) per class 25$ for a series of 6 classes. White/wheat, sourdough, rustic country, french bread, and more!

5. Writing, I understand that making money from your writing is very difficult, but it's what I love to do. Magazines, on-line zines, papers, blogs, and perhaps one day books. Ah to dream.

6. Garden Weeders; Hate to weed your garden? Don't have enough time in your week? Call us and we will do it for you.

7. Etsy Shop (One of the ideas I am most interested in) Handmade items for you or gifts. Knitted scarves, fingerless gloves, wraps, and more! Also, gratitude journals, a creative way to list the many things you are thankful for.

So there it is. Our crazy ideas. What do you think?

Teachings in the Struggle

2010-08-05T12:49:00.004-04:00

God speaks. This is what he has been saying to me. I shared this with my woman's bible study last night, and I thought that would share it here too.

Hunger/Thirst

We control our hunger for God.
I always thought the amount of hunger I had came from God. That when I wanted to be hungry I had to pray for it. But God is showing me that I control it with what I satisfy myself with. I can be hungry for God and continually satisfy myself with Him or I can fill that hunger with things~distractions~busyness~or even myself and that decreases my hunger for Him.

If we are not hungry for God it is because we have allowed our souls to be satisfied or satiated with other things~John Bevere
He went on to say that the Lord showed him that "he" was the responsible for his own hunger level. If he wasn't hungry it was because he was already full. Fill with the cares of this world and filled with pleasures and distractions. If he wanted to hunger in the mist of the abundance of things he would need to fast. Fast from the things that would distract, comfort or distress him.

Psalm 107:9 For He satisfies the thirsty, and fills the hungry with good things.

John 6:35 Jesus replied: I am the bread of life whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

Psalm 143:6 I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Trust

God is teaching me that Because I love Him, I must trust Him.
He has pushed that with me while we have had no income. While Lily has had lead poisoning, while we have lost children. While I have been dealing with failure, He is telling me to trust him.
Not long ago I was swimming with Lily and she was freaking out about me letting go of her. She had a life vest on, and had let go of me many times, but was still freaking out. I found myself telling her something that I quickly recognized as God's voice speaking to me.
I said:
I love you, and because I love you, you have to trust me. You will be ok. You maybe scared, but I will be right here. All you have to do is come toward me and you will be safe.

God is slowly teaching me, and speaking to my heart about how much I should trust him, if I truly love him. As a mother I expect my child to trust me based on the fact that I love her, and want best for her. As my Daddy, God's love for me makes Him trust worthy. No matter what happens in my life.

Psalm 143:8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk for I give myself to you.

Psalm 13:5 But I will trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

Thankfulness

No matter what life holds God is showing me that I need to be thankful for the things He gives rather than complain about all we don't have. This is hard and I don't think I have even gotten close to where He wants me but I strive.
I plant seeds of gratitude in my heart by keeping a gratitude journal. It's usually the smallest things that go in there and change my perspective of my life.
I have/am also learning that thankfulness is a choice. If I don't choose to be thankful then I am choosing a sinful attitude. It has to be an intentional thing to be thankful.

1Thessalonians 5:18
Be thankful in all circumstances for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Intentional Living

Intentional living is doing, thinking, feeling, and saying everything with a purpose For me it is making a choice to live out everything in my life to God's glory. Meaning the end result of everything points to God. Then making everything in my life an individual choice. I can float along or I can choose to be intentional about everything. For example; do I float along while I do my everyday stuff (dishes, drive to work, eating) or do I choose to be intentional and use it as an opportunity to listen to the spirit's leading, and glorify God?

1 Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink, or what ever you do, do it all the to the glory of God.

1 Timothy 4:16 Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you.

Quiet~Slowness~Waiting~Resting

I have filled my life with busyness. Most of what I do can be considered Godly, or good, and glorifying to Him. I know that I am not choosing to be busy with things I shouldn't be. But God has been heavily speaking to me about being slow, and in the quiet. The biggest reason this is hard for me is because I have filled up my life helping other people with their problems just so I wouldn't have to face my own problems and hurt.
I was also (and still am) dealing with the perspective that being slow, waiting and resting is lazy. Not being a busy person all the time in my mind meant that I am a lazy person with mental issues :)
God has spent time showing me that only in the quiet stillness can He heal and restore me. Yes, that means dealing with my own problems, and sometimes hurting. That means my idea of rest and laziness need to change but God has been getting in my heart and working on that. He gives me quotes and scriptures to help me slow down, be quiet, and rest. These things have had the ability to change my thoughts and schedule.

Busyness and constant stresses of life rob me of physical, emotional, and and spiritual strength. Even as I must restore myself physically everyday sleeping and eating in order to give my body the nutrients and strength it needs to live productively, so I must feed my soul on God's words, nurture my heart through prayer, and pull away from life's demands in order to rest. ~Sally Clarkson

The Lord is beckoning me to rest in Him~to cease striving and allow Him to order my days. I had unknowingly placed more trust in my ability to manage than in God's plan for my life. I had allowed schedules and expectations to replace the assurance that God's grace was sufficient~always and no matter what. ~Lorraine Curry

Psalm 62:5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.

Isaiah 30:15 This is what the Sovereign Lord the Holy One of Israel, says, Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it.

The last line of this verse reminds me that I would have none of what God was trying to give me with resting, but that if I do all that He asks in this area then the rest of the verse will come to pass.

We must not just act like Christians, but learn to have the heart of a Christian.

If we learn, and let God change our heart it will change our thinking, and then change our actions. But if we just learn to act like Christians with out a heart or mind change then we are no better than the hypocrites of Jesus' day.
In becoming more like Christ my first step has to be my heart and the attitude that is in it. Not the action itself. Otherwise we are doing as Myron (my pastor) said we are just managing our sin.
God wants to change our hearts not just watch us try to manage our sin. We focus so much on acting right~what about thinking right?

I was emailing my pastor about this not long ago and he said:
We learn to do the right things but nothing really changes. Maybe we should concentrate less on what we do and more on who we are becoming. Then maybe our actions will reflect who we really are. ~Myron Bontrager

God has also been showing me that someones actions should not determine my reaction. This I believe goes right into this lesson because it is all about the hear.

Proverbs 4: 20-23 My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 22:15 My child if your heart is wise, My own heart will rejoice!

Jeremiah 17:9 The human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?

I think it is important to look at this verse because it shows us that our heart with out God is evil and only He can change it for good.

Luke 6:45 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

Romans 2:29 No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.

I Totally...

2010-08-04T22:15:00.002-04:00

Tonight, I totally stepped out of my element.

I totally stepped into the unknown.

I totally let people into my personal crap.

I totally tried to be open.

I totally shared my heart.

I totally flipped out inside.

I totally feel emotionally fried.

I totally doubt myself.

I totally try to trust that God moved.

I totally wonder if I said everything wrong.

I totally wonder if I sounded self absorbed.

I totally pray that everything came out the way I wanted it to.

I totally need to release all my thoughts!!!

Good night.

I Am A Pin Cushion

2010-08-02T22:29:00.011-04:00

As a child I was really good at finding things with my feet. Rusty nails, glass, pins, needles, and the occasional odd item. If something broke, and we were not sure if it had all been swept up the joke was, just wait, Amber will find it. Well, it hurts! Stepping on things, being poked, then pulling the object out. Not to mention the blood was a pain to deal with. Have you ever tried to walk while bleeding out your foot with out getting it on the floor? Oh, and try keeping your balance when something suddenly stabs the thing you are balancing on!

I tell you this because tonight I feel jabbed. Those feelings of long ago (or just last week) of being jabbed in the foot with something sharp are very present tonight. This time though it's not just my feet. I feel like I have been poked, jabbed, prodded, and stabbed with pins. All over my soul. At this present moment, my soul is a pin cushion. You remember those right? The little red tomato looking things that your mom/grandma wore on her wrist while she sewed? I would watch my mom take pins out of clothing as it passed under the needle, and jab it quickly into her pin cushion. It looked violent.

My soul is jabbed with failure. I feel it. I see it. I hear it. I know it.

Walking out the door while my daughter is screaming because mom has taken a lot of time for herself, and none for her girl. Failure. Pin prick.
House is a mess, dishes piled up, floor hasn't been mopped in a while. No order. Another pin prick. Another stab of failure to my soul.
No money. No gas. No bills being paid out of my own pocket. Failure.Poke. Jam. Jabbed.
Child behind developmentally. Not making time to work with her. Failure. Double stab.
Claiming to be a writer. Not writing. Not creating. Failure. Ouch...
Hurting my husband instead of blessing him. Failure. Pin prick.
Being jealous of friends blessings. Their ability to thrive, to do things, buy things, to not worry. Failure. Pins.
My child causes trouble every time she is at a friend's house. Failure. Prodding.
No job. No income. No provision. Failure. Pain. Stabbings.
Infertility. Not giving him another child. Her a sibling. Missing out again while others succeed. Failure. P..I..N...
Not loosing weight. Shopping with others, no clothes in my size. Knowing I'm twice as big as you. Not being attractive. Trying and getting nowhere. Not being healthy. FAILURE! Forget the pins...did a piano just fall on me?

I know that I mean more to God than this. But, I don't know that I mean more to me than this. Not tonight. I am a pin cushion. Failure are my pins. I am being pricked.

God Speaks Through Facebook

2010-07-29T18:14:00.006-04:00

This is a face book status that I put on early this morning, and the conversation that followed it. It was challenging, and totally God filled. I thought I would re post it here for you to also soak up the wisdom that my friend provided! Please comment with your thoughts too. This is something I would really like to hear your thoughts on......

Amber We don't just want to teach our children to act like Christians, we want to teach them to think, and have the heart of a christian...otherwise we are just managing sin, not changing hearts...same goes for us...

- Amen!!
  
  So......How?
  
  How do we teach this?
  ...How does a Christian act?
  How does a Christian think?
  How does the heart of a Christian beat?
- Amber
  Scripture !!!! If everything we do and say comes out of our hearts then we must make sure that what is in the heart is good! Memorize scripture, apply it in every situation, every thought, every action, and every reaction.
  Teach our children...n the same thing. If they sin, punish the sin, but teach them what God's word says about it, and how God says to live instead. Teach them how to go to scripture about everything!
  Discipline!!
  We first and foremost teach by example. What we do says a lot more to our children than what we say. (Yikes!) We teach through daily life. Pulling out God's word as each situation presents it's self.
  A Christian acts, thinks and heart beats as Christ's does. All we need to do is look at how he lived, loved, and gave. That will sum up how we should also live. Which leads back to how we should think and how our heart should beat, b/c that is where it all starts!
  So really the simple response to your questions is scripture! Read it, eat it, breath it. Teach your children to love it, to use it, to know it.
  
  Then of course there is prayer, and personal relationship. I know that I can read God's word, and try to apply it to my life all by my self. It doesn't work. You need prayer, you need relationship with God, otherwise you are back at the beginning with just managing and not changing! He can change you with his Word, yes, but that change also comes out of knowing Him. Because only when we KNOW Him is His Word going to take hold of our hearts!
  
  ~Dawn, I don't know if you were really looking for me to answer, but I felt I needed to write out my thoughts. I'm sure I didn't say anything you don't already know. Thank you for challenging me to dig deep. I would be interested to read your answers too.
- Dawn
- Amber, good answers....thanks.
  
  I find, daily, that it remains a challenge to hold fast to the Truth of the Word and live accordingly.
  
  Tradition has determined much of what I believed the Word to say and without getting in and digging out, ...I struggled to mesh Truth with life. (If that makes any sense...)
  
  For example, "the truth shall set you free." something that we're often taught in the church - but Jesus said, "...and you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." We don't understand that the word "know" there means to know with our heads, our hearts and our actions. This is why so many Believers can know the truth - but remain in bondage! They only know it with their heads...they are not LIVING it.
  
  Therein do I find the challenge. LIVING what is there - not the obvious - love your neighbor as yourself. But, rather the deeper issues of things like "In all your ways acknowledge Him," "casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you," or something as "simple" as, "Fear not."
  
  So, yes, while I agree with your answer - I find it is like a good diamond, the beauty of it is not on the surface, but in the many internal cuts required inside, that allow it to reflect the light more exquisitely! See More
- Amber Thanks Dawn, lots to think about now!

Rehab For Coffee Addicts

2010-07-26T01:07:00.003-04:00

Late one night over a year ago I was up talking to a friend on line. I was feeling goofy, and wrote a short bit about coffee. I was recently asked to re post it, so here for your enjoyment :)

I had to go to coffee rehab. I loved coffee to much. I drank it all the time, and wouldn't drink anything else. I was addicted.

They sent me to this place where all the doctors drank coffee. They would walk around with big mugs of it, and we would smell it everywhere we went, but they wouldn't give us any. They said it was part of our therapy, and try as we might, we couldn't even sneak in the office to get some, because it was locked in a safe.
So I pretended that I didn't like coffee anymore. I told them it was what the devil drank in the morning. Then they realized that I was cured, so they let me go. What would you know, but the first place I went was Starbucks. It..was...amazing! I was free. Free from that evil coffee rehab. It was such a horrible time in my life. I try to block it out. Now my coffee is bitter sweet. Every time I drink it I smile just a little bit for the return of coffee makes me feel all warm and fuzzy again. Then I feel sad, and tear up, but never cry for that time in my life when I was separated from my dark sweet love.

So there you have it, hope you had fun reading it.

The Knitting Circle

2010-07-19T23:29:00.003-04:00

Tonight I did something new, and a little bit scary. I stepped out of my safe box, and joined a group of women that I didn't know! I was so nervous. I was a little bit scared, and I couldn't figure out what exactly possessed me to do such a thing. But I knew that I waned to meet older women, in the community, that had a similar interest. So I joined a knitting circle.

Our town has one knit shop. It is located conveniently downtown, just two miles or so from my house. Up the road from my church, and right next door to a good coffee house is an old shop full of yarns, and needles, and books of all kinds. I had been in quite a few times before, but had never bought anything because, as most local shops, it was out of my price range. I had heard though that a group of women met once a month to knit together, and I thought it might be the opportunity I was wanting to connect with the previously mentioned women. I was/am very much missing older women in my life. We have had some rough months, and the wisdom and calmness that comes with talking to, or being mentored by those elder is feeling greatly missed in my life.

I gathered my latest project, a long multi colored scarf that my four year old asked me to make for her, and I took my scared butt downtown. When I walked in the shop (all nervous and clutching my bag) the woman behind the counter said, "You came....what was your name again?" It was good to know that she remembered me from the times I had been in the shop. She took me back to an adjacent room with couches and chairs and introduced me to the three other women in the room. She informed them that I am the newest addition to their group. I sat down and we exchanged general information, such as how long we had been all been knitting. People came and went through out the evening, nine in all. These women were not all like I had pictured, although some more than others. Some were struggling in life too. They brought their complaints, and families, and jobs were mentioned. Even the coffee shop next door was discussed. (Interesting to me because our pastor owns it) The conversation covered a wide range of topics, but kept coming back to the one common thing, knitting/crocheting. It was nice to not have to think, talk or do anything out side of sit and knit. I realized at one point I felt a little bit like a different person, because my life was not revolving around someone else, or what needed to be done, or trying to let go of all the crap. I felt different, but I felt like me. Like a me that I once knew. Does that make sense? I recognized a person I used to be...just a little. I also learned new ways to knit, so that made it more interesting.

I don't see any major mentoring coming out of this group, but I do see a place to sit and just be. Most of the women ranged in age from about 35 to 65 and most were dealing with life too. Things from sickness, to kids, to divorce, to jobs. One woman introduced her self to me in this fashion, " I'm Jackie, the widow, my husband just died a few weeks ago. This is the second time I have been widowed." I really didn't know what to do with that...but she was a fun woman despite her pain. It is a community.

I was invited back. I was also invited to other knit days. Like 5-7 hours during the day, two days a week. All I could think was, how do you have that much time!? I was somewhat intrigued by this group of women. I don't know that I will continue to go back on a regular basis, but who knows....I just might.

Side note: Yay to me for posting 4 days in a row. Be amazed if it continues, this week is crazy busy!

Humility Hurts

2010-07-18T23:14:00.002-04:00

I just read Anne Jackson's post about Pride and Humility. In it she quotes out of a book she is reading; A Circle of Quiet.

Here is the quote that she quoted:

The Greeks had a word for ultimate self-consciousness which I find illuminating: hubris: pride: pride in the sense of putting oneself in the center of the universe. The strange and terrible thing is that this kind of total self-consciousness invariably ends in self-annihilation. The great tragedians have always understood this, from Sophocles to Shakespeare. We witness it in history in such people as Tiberius, Eva Peròn, Hitler.

–

I was timid about putting forth most of these thoughts, but this kind of timidity is itself a form of pride. The moment that humility becomes self-conscious, it becomes hubris. One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time. Therefore, the act of creating – painting a picture, singing a song, writing a story – is a humble act? This was a new thought to me. Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration on something or someone else.

I am thinking WOW! Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration on something or someone else! Amazing, and I think....What if we all did that? What if we all threw ourselves away on our gifts, or serving others, or even better yet: God! What if we all lived out humility the way it is talked about here! Whoa wait, what if I lived it out? How would my life change??? How would others lives change? What about my relationship with God?
One can not be humble and aware of oneself at the same time!!! Of course we can't be aware of ourselves...that would be PRIDE. This feels like a duh moment for me, so bear with me. Just think about it though. When we are humbled that is when God is apparent. When God is made big, and when He shows His power in our lives. So of course we can't be aware of ourselves, and still see His power!
God has been working on the pride in our home, and teaching us humility. When my husband could no longer work I knew that first day that God would be doing things in our lives that would stretch my faith. I knew that more likely than not it would be hard to take. So I started praying that God would help me to be humble. I have not fully reached that point. I still feel like accepting help is a failure on our part, that it makes me worthless. (Honesty is flowing tonight people~beware!) But I am willing to be open to it, and I definitely see it as God moving, showing His power, and giving His grace. I will take all of His grace I can get. The thing I didn't realize about humility though is this: It hurts. It's really hard. It doesn't feel the way I thought it would. There will always me more to learn...oh did I mention it hurts? Or that it's hard? :D
I'm tried in more ways than one tonight so I'm going to rest in His grace. I just felt like throwing this out there to you. I would love it if you threw your thoughts back.

Because I Love You, Trust Me

2010-07-17T00:44:00.006-04:00

Tonight we went swimming. It was a blast!

Of course, God is so amazing He had to use a fun, everyday type thing to teach me a BIG lesson!!

You see, Lily loves the water, and by the time we are ready to leave she thinks she can swim on her own. Yet, when we begin swimming she always freaks out that something will happen to her, and therefore she screams. Tonight was no different we took her out and she loved it, floating around in her life vest. Then it came time to put her just a few feet away, and let her kick to me. Good practice, right? :) Anyway, the thing that really struck me was her response. She of course kicked, and screamed, and panicked, and came straight into my arms. Then she said, "Mommy don't let go of me again! I'm scared!" She had never vocalized how she felt, although it was always apparent. I told her that I needed to let go of her so that she could learn to do it on her own. She repeated herself, "Mommy don't let go of me again! I'm scared!"

That is when it really hit me. We are like that with God! We say no I don't want to let go of what I know, what is comfortable, normal, safe, or trustworthy to us! We don't want to step outside of what we know we can hang on to for safety (be it mental, spiritual, or physical). I know there are so many safety nets in my life!!!
Then came the real kicker.... I took her back out a ways, and I said to her, "Lily, I love you. Because I love you, you have to trust me, you will be ok. You may be scared but I will be right here. All you have to do is come toward me, and you will be safe." She calmed down, I let go, and she kicked right to me. Here is my major "smacked up side the head" moment. God does the same thing with us! He makes us, in various ways, let go of what is "safe" to us. He draws us out of our comfortable place into the water, then says, "Ok, now trust me. But, don't just trust me for the heck of it, trust me because I love you. Know that you will be scared, and that's ok. All you have to do is swim straight to me, and you will be safe. I will take care of you, and I will be right here because of my love for you.

I cannot imagine putting Lily in the water and leaving her to flail around. I have to be there. I have to let her go under the water, but also I have to keep her safe. I needed her to know that her safety was not in staying on the shore, but in knowing that I love her so much that I would be right there. That she may be scared, but that she would be ok if she trusted me. Father is just the same with us!

Trust is a big issue with me, and God is wildly testing that these days. I'm sure I will forget this tiny lesson, and need to be reminded over and over again. I am very thankful for tonight's Ah Ha moment though.

God is Stirring, but I Can't Focus!

2010-07-16T09:22:00.003-04:00

God is stirring my life up. He is stirring my heart. It's amazing how you can be hit with the same thing from every angle when God is trying to share it with you.

I currently have a whiteboard in my home with a list of topics I want to post about. There are eight things on that list, and several more in my head. Yet, there is no focus in there to tell you about all things on my heart. I sat here at my computer for over an hour last night just trying to get my thoughts collected so I could write. It didn't work. So for now I will give you a post of randomness, and perhaps that will clear my head.

Brian has been off work for almost two months now. He separated his shoulder. How? you say. I have no idea. There are things that are suspect but nothing that flips the light switch on! So, we have not had an income for most of this time. AH! God is teaching me, and prodding me to trusting him more and more. He knew it would have to be something big to work on my trust issues. But seriously, I'm ready for this training session to end!

Lily is more fun, and bold, and challenging :) everyday. She is growing, and learning, and testing her limits. Yay! She is more and more of a little girl and less of my baby every day. :( Sometimes I think she is just to smart for me, and I become baffled every time she tries to reason with me. I try to use the bible to instruct her when she is doing wrong, and she has started to turn it back on me. Yikes!

My days are different now. With my husband home, and my daughter needing more of me I struggle with routine, and grasping a normal day. As I write this, I am also trying to tune out the fact that I no longer have my quite days. I have a husband who likes to fill silence (tv, xbox, music, idol chatter) and a daughter that is very much off her routine as well. I do my work when I can, but I feel counteracted. I think, pray, read, and write when I can. Not often.

Although, we had a week with out internet, and it turned out to be a blessing. I spent that time catching up on reading. I still have about 10 books left in my pile, but I got 3 down in that week!

Today, we are going to meet friends for an evening at the pond, a bonfire, and a picnic. Relaxing! So I should really be preparing for that. I wish I could focus more. I wish I could share my thoughts, and all God is teaching with you more clearly. Soon. I hope.

Psalm 118:28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks

Psalm 37:7 Rest in Jehorah and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret...

Growing and Giving-A Legacy

2010-06-21T20:52:00.005-04:00

Two months ago I went with my mother and grandmother 45 minutes south to visit my grandparents on my dad's side. They haven't been well for quite some time, and we wanted to see them. I went with an additional reason. Rhubarb was in season, and I had a craving! My grandparents are the only ones I know that grow it to it give away, and I was so blessed for it! They don't really cook anymore, and could have gotten rid of it. Yet they kept it, to give.

I looked around their property as they pointed things out. The onions they still grew. The sage was coming up too. The fish, and forget-me-not pond. The flowers that were everywhere. My grandparents grew. It's what they did most of their life. On their property. In their home. In their greenhouse. In their flower shop. They grew and gave. They still do.

It was right about the time that I was enjoying, and feeling blessed by all they grew that I realized not to long from now, sooner than I can imagine it would all be gone. My grandparents would be gone. I started thinking when that happens who will grow and give? My whole family has lived off the things they grew. A garden when I was young supplied us with veggies. At some point every year my mother has gotten flowers. I have made pies with the fruit. Aunts, cousins, and neighbors have all been blessed. Who would continue? Who would carry this blessing on?

I then realized that this was part of their legacy. They grew and gave. This is what has been handed down through generations. This is what was taught to my Dad, Aunts, Uncles, and even me. To grow. To give. This is how they showed love. They fed the hungry with their produce, and gave beauty to the weary with their flowers. They love. What an amazing legacy. What an honor!

I already grow sad for the day when I can no longer go to them for their love. Both love in life, and love in what they grow and give.

I wondered too as I stood there, what would my legacy be? Would I one day grow and give also? There is no one else in the family to get Rhubarb from. Would I show love in such a simple and beautiful way? Would I be remembered by my grandchildren for all that I did with creation? No matter what my legacy is, I hope that one day it means as much to my family as my grandparents legacy means to me. Thank you Grandma, and Grandpa Bocko for growing and giving your love.

Linking Up

2010-06-09T22:53:00.005-04:00

These are some posts that have really spoken to me lately, or were just plain fun! I thought they might encourage some of you, so I have linked them up here:

Oh Be Careful Little Eyes is based on the children's song, but is very convicting on an adult level! She gives you verses to tell you what God says about all your many parts :)

Scrambling for Garbage will really make you step back and take a look at what you are feeding yourself in a spiritual way. I was repulsed to think of all that I feed myself while calling it food!

Completing Him Challenge Want to bless your husbands? Here is a fun post with different projects to bless him. I know that there are many programs out there for blessing your man. I just finished a fairly popular one, but ladies this looks fun!

Speed Praying Do we pray to fast? I really had to stop and think about this one!

Making your own Mayonnaise So I haven't tried this yet, but I totally want to~I think.

Matter of the Heart Some wisdom from a dear friend of mine!

Reusable Straws They are glass people! How fun is that? I love these...wish I had some!

Ok, I think I am off to watch a movie with my hubby. Hope you all have a blessed day!

My Day In Pictures

2010-06-02T21:40:00.021-04:00

1. I read a few pages in a new interesting book. Check it out.

2. I watched my beautiful daughter do some dishes. Although more water ended up on her and the floor than anywhere else.

3. I organized sidewalk chalk. Fun feat I tell you!

4. Then I read blogs.

5. Then we listened to Pandora while finishing the cleaning.

6. Also we played with play dough. :)

7. We got to hang out with this guy....and his brother for the night.
8. Then came dinner! Corn on the cob, sweet potatoes, meatloaf, and watermelon! YUM!!
9. Then there was some climbing time :) from this little guy!

10. Then came some cuddling with "Uncle" Brian.....all that climbing must have been hard work!
11. Finger Painting! Need I say more???
12. Then time for some sleep. I love how he still holds his bottle even when he is pretty much out!

That's about all I have. So now I am off to rest myself!

What NOT to Tell a Woman with Secondary Infertility

2010-05-19T19:22:00.004-04:00

At least God blessed you with one child.....

Yes, we understand that. We love our child, but that does not mean we don't want any more. It is possible to be happy with what God has given you, and desire that He would bless you with more.

Since you aren't using them could I borrow your maternity clothes, baby clothes, crib, etc.

No we are not using it right now, but those things hold memories of what is now a difficult thing, hope of what could be, and hurt to see others use them when we desire to use them!

But aren't you so glad you don't have to change diapers, breastfeed, stay up all night etc.

Those things are a comfort when it is something so hard to obtain.

Just think of all the things you can see, places you can go, money, time, and sanity you can keep

It would be worth giving all those up.

Well, at least you know you can get pregnant.

Obviously, we know that I HAVE gotten pregnant, and obviously we know that I CANNOT get pregnant again or it would have happened by now.
(This is an even worse statement when the couple has miscarried as then the reply becomes....obviously we know my body can't keep a baby alive)

At least you are lucky enough to have friends/family/co workers etc who share their babies with you.

Yes I am very blessed when they choose to let me love their sweet children, but I am also reminded of what I have not been blessed with. In the end, I still have to give their baby back,and go home with out my own. (To the woman who has so graciously shared her sweet boys with me, who allows me to love them. Please know that I would never, never trade that! They do bless my life. Even though I am not blessed in the ways we would want, I would be heartbroken if I could not love on them!!) I hope that makes sense.

You will have another one someday.

Please do not give me false hope. I may someday be blessed with another child, but if I am not then your hope is only a lie to my heart.

I do not mean any of these things to be harsh or hurtful. These are things I have experienced people telling me, some in the most sincere way. I am not judging you in anyway if you have said these things, I just want to make people aware of the hurt they can cause, and hopefully give them pause before speaking these things. No matter how lovingly they say them.

Working out the Muscle of Gratitude

2010-05-13T10:34:00.005-04:00

Yikes~ I am having such a hard time keeping up right now! Not just on my blog, although I am greatly aware of how much I have let it go lately. I also can't seem to keep up with my reading list, books and blogs, my house work, Lily's school...oh the list goes on! Maybe it's time to re- prioritize!
In the mist of that I just had to share about something!

Gratitude. What does that word bring up in you?
This morning I was listening to this sermon by Rob Bell, and he said something that I just had to throw out there. It is amazing how timely this is in my life. He said, "Gratitude is a muscle that needs to be worked. Especially in the areas that cost us. (Money, marriage, kids, work, anything of worth, importance, or need in your life!) If the muscle of gratitude is not worked in those areas it could cause us to develop a sense of entitlement in our lives!"
I don't know about you, but I certainly do not want to have the attitude that I am entitled to all that God gives me! What pride that would be!
I also know that my physical muscles need to be worked out to become strong and healthy, so why did I assume that my spiritual muscles could just sit limp in my life?

Colossians 4:2 in the message says:
Pray diligently. Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude.

What words to follow! God tells us right there to have an attitude of gratitude we must pray and stay alert. Now I don't know about you, but for me to see things in my life to be grateful for I must look for them. Little things are not always abundantly clear, and in hard things it is even more difficult to be thankful. Which is why we must keep our eyes wide open for them!

Tools to help with this would be:

Keeping a Gratitude Journal
I try to do this on a daily basis. It's not easy, but so worth it! You can get a small note book, cheaply almost anywhere!

Join Ann VosKamp's Gratitude Community
This is an amazing place to count your blessings!

Get Generous Wife Tips sent to your email, or follow her blog daily for short ideas on showing your man how thankful you are for him.

What are some ideas you have to keep your attitude full of gratitude?
What other Spiritual Muscles do we have that need to be worked out?

I'll start... Self-Control....or just about any of the fruits of the Spirit!

A Life That Matters

2010-04-22T13:45:00.005-04:00

I live in a world of fear. Fear of others, fear of the unknown, fear of the known, but I do not want to know! Fear of war, famine, sickness, and the penniless life. This is not what I fear, although sometimes it would be nice to have a few more pennies in my pocket.

I fear never being anything. Never succeeding at the things that matter to me.
I fear succeeding, then discovering that accomplishment is not what I wanted it to be.
I fear being worthless, or even worse someone that is a failure.
Some one that had some worth, and then became nothing.
I fear not trying hard enough.
I fear trying hard but never getting anywhere
I fear messing up others lives.
Ruining relationships, and taking advantage.
I fear making others a failure by my influence...others like my daughter.
I fear reaching the end of my life and only being remembered for a short time as the woman who never got over her crap.

I want my life to matter. I fear it won't.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline

If I want to matter I must replace my fear with God's power, His love and Self-discipline. I must live these things out. I must live in His power, show His love, and live as a self-disciplined christian because in the end, that is what matters. Him not me. Christ being shown successfully, not my desires. His love being lived out daily, through the power and discipline He equips me with. That is the life that truly matters.

Oh to stop living my life of fear, and self doubt. Oh to live His life of love! This is what matters.

I Failed

2010-04-21T10:39:00.009-04:00

A few days ago I took a pregnancy test.

This isn't an unusual thing for me to do. We have been trying to have another baby for years now. I take the tests on a regular basis since I do not have periods on a regular basis.

That evening my husband asked me; "Did you take the test"

"Yes I did."

"Well, did you pass or fail?"

" I failed"

That's all I can think. I failed, I failed, I failed. I did not succeed.I do not get to move on.

I failed.

Photo courtesy of slayerphoto

Will Jesus Go Swimming With Me?

2010-04-12T11:23:00.003-04:00

Wow, all I can think about right now is jumping on a trampoline with Jesus! My mind can't even wrap it's self around this. I have always thought of walking with Jesus, but not about the fun crazy stuff like jumping, swimming, bowling, and what about bike riding? What a thing to dwell on!

I have for quite some time been following Kate Mcrae's battle with a brain tumor. It is heart wrenching, and inspiring, and thought provoking. Today I read Friday, April 9th's post. Really I can't say anything to do justice to what this little girl speaks. Just go and read it for yourself, then you will understand why I want to go swimming with Jesus.

Do you.....

2010-04-09T00:01:00.005-04:00

I came here to blog. Partly because I haven't posted in so long that I am starting to feel guilty. Partly because I desire to write, and seem to have nothing better to do right now. There is also a little bit of me that can't get all my thoughts in order, and I feel like if I were to write then I might be able to organize those thoughts. Honestly though I am not sure my thoughts will ever be in order.
I have this distinct feeling that I am on an amusement park ride that won't stop, and I can't get off. I have stated over the last few days that I feel the only way I am going to be able to slow down would be if I were committed. Really though I just need to listen to the Holy Spirit, to my body, and to logic.
I am not very good at any of that! Are you?

There are so many topics running through me right now. What do I tell you about? Do I tell you about the passover seder that my husband and I hosted last week? Do I tell you about this amazing, and godly woman that I helped out, and how she inspired me? Do I tell you about the challenge that God gave me to read Ezekiel, and about how much I totally do not understand it, and therefore really suck at following through?

How about my struggles in the last few weeks? The struggle of not getting pregnant when a lot of others are? The struggle to teach my daughter something as simple as her letters! I am a writer at heart, and I can't even teach the alphabet! Or the struggle of comparing her to her best friend and feeling like a failure as a mother and role model...do you really want to read about all my dirt?? Do you really want to read about my HUGE struggle with being HUGE???? My struggle with diet, and exercise and comparing myself? Do you really want to hear about the PCOS and how it rules my life? About how much I hate it, and how much it hurts, and how much I hide it from EVERYONE?

Do you want to read about my hopes? My dreams? My favorite things in life? Do you want to read about my loves?? My desires, and all the things I want to someday do, and experience and be?

Well, I am sure you don't want to read my rant any longer. I am sorry. Perhaps it is time for bed....or at least a good long soak in the Word.

I've Been Here Before

2010-03-14T23:43:00.004-04:00

Feels like I've been here before

This chest pain, head pain, back pain

All over my body pain.

Hacking my lungs out

Can't breath

Can't speak

Can't function in this daily life.

Laying here cold, weak, and weary

Wondering why my body hates me so much

"What did I ever do to you?" I ask

Oh yeah....

I beat you

I used you

I worked you until you couldn't take any more

Then I made you push harder.

I misused you,

I abused you,

Until I couldn't push you any farther.

I fed you junk

I didn't sleep enough

I gave of you with out rest

Then I really put you to the test.

Oh yes....

I've been here before

More than a time or two

I've looked for healing

I've looked for relief

I've begged and I've pleaded

To Him who made me.

I moaned and complained

I searched and researched

I looked high and low

for the answers I needed.

The tube have stretched out my arms before

The oxygen breathing, machines all beeping

I've laid in wait for what will one day come.

I've tasted the pain

time and again

I've tasted the fear

I've wondered; why do I have to be here?

I've felt sickness drain my body

I've reached for comfort

For some understanding.

I've been here before, I say to myself~

But then again, so has He.

Lessons Learned Through Independence

2010-03-14T10:08:00.007-04:00

Lily discovered independence full force this week! Two days ago she caught us off guard with the most bold thing she has ever tried. It was a laugh with some seriousness behind it. The story goes like this....

Lily had gotten up, and dressed herself almost first thing, while my husband and I still sat on the sofa in our pj's. As we were talking about what the day would hold for us, Lily preceded to put her mud boots, and coat on. She then marched over to where my husband sat, and told him, "I going to get Jabez, and Kota, and bring them back here to play with me today." Jabez is her best friend, whom I am sure she could not survive with out! Kota is Jabez's 7 month old baby brother~Lily is convinced that Kota also belongs to her. She was very matter of fact in telling us what she was going to do. No asking, no questioning in her voice, not a single drop of insecurity about accomplishing what she wanted to do.

She then, to our shock, went to the door and tried to leave. She couldn't get it open, and asked for help. After questioning her we discovered two things; that she was going to walk the mile and a half to her friends house, and that she really believed she could do this on her own! We decided to let her try, knowing that there would be something to learn at the end, not wanting to crush the dreams of what she thought she could do, and doubting that she would make it far. So laughingly, my husband opened the door.

Our almost 4 year old girl marched right down the stairs and into the driveway! I watched through the window as she looked at the road, and looked at the car. We were keep a close eye on her for when we needed to bolt if she headed to the highway. I watched her looking back and forth, then she turned around and came right back up the stairs. "I forgot my keys, I going to take the car" she said. Again we were a bit shocked, and asked her if she thought she was going to drive the car. She replied with a yes, and asked where her keys were!! So we gave her Brian's keys, knowing that it was very touchy and she would never be able to get it right.

We watched again as she marched down the stairs, to the car, and climbed in the drivers seat. She shut the door, and then we saw the hazards turn on, then the head lights. She was trying. We watched her play around with the buttons and knobs. Finally she opened the door. Then she yelled for help! She simply wanted us to turn it on, then she could drive!! Wow, what independence. We told her that if she wanted to do this she would have to try. We were not going to get the boys. So she closed the door again, and tried for a minute more.

Then we watched as she crawled out of the car, and came back upstairs. We thought she had given up. Boy were we wrong. "I forgot my baby. I need to take my baby." she told us in reference to her baby doll. We watched as she grabbed her baby, took it down the stairs and buckled her into her own car seat! Then she went back to the drivers seat and climbed back in. About a minute later she opens the door again, and asks if we would come sit in the seat next to her...the passenger seat! Of course we were not going to miss the opportunity to see what she was up to, so we went. Me in the front, and Brian in the back we waited to see what she would do. She continued to mess with everything she could reach. Then she asked me to work it for her. :) I told her no. Then I told her that perhaps she is not ready to drive a car yet. My husband following my lead said "Lily can you see over the steering wheel? Because if you can't then how will you be able to drive." Not missing a beat she replied, "I can if I sit on my knees." Then she demonstrated. We told her that we just didn't think the car was going to drive for her today. That was all it took, she got out of the car.

Then she announced "Ok, I'll walk!" She headed strait for the road. I decided that I would let her go, but follow close behind since we live on a busy road. She was so determined. Usually I would not let her take anything this far, but I was totally at peace with it, and felt we should continue. So I told my husband to follow us in the car in case she couldn't make it the 1 1/2 miles, and I followed her on foot. We stopped to look at worms, and talk to birds. There are several side roads before the one we needed. She took the first road, walked about 1/2 a block, then realized this is not the right road. So we turned around. The next block we came to the same thing happened. We walked part way, then turned back around. I was not helping her in any way. She was so sure she could do this, and by this point I was really wondering if she could! The third side street we came to, she stopped, looked down it, and decided it was not the right road because "This not it, it has no cars on it." The next road was the one we needed, and as we got closer she recognized that. She started yelling, "This is it, this is the road! I so happy, I going to get Jabez and Kota!!" So we turned down the road, and kept walking, jumping, skipping, and marching, depending on the level of excitement at that very moment! Boy she was a trouper! I watched as my husband followed us with his hazards on. He was keeping enough distance to not be seen by our daughter.

At one point she told me that because we didn't have the car, "Mommy you carry Kota back, and Jabez can hold my hand." Making sure I had understood her, she wanted me to carry an 18 lb baby 1 1/2 miles back while she expected her friend to walk right along with her. Yup, that's right.

The longer we walked the slower she got. Twice she asked me to carry her. I told her, "No, I won't carry you. Either we can keep walking, or we can go home and you can play with the boys a different day." She would not give up! She was taking it all in, the houses, the lines on the road, the trash on the side of the road, she even informed me that the storm drain was "Yucky, and where snakes live" as we walked past it. As we approached our friend's road, she said "I want my stroller" and turned around. I asked her if we were almost there? She looked around and said yes, and continued to march on.

It was right about that time I looked back at my hubby in the car to see that he had been pulled over by a cop!! It wasn't a surprise, several had drove by and I had been keeping an eye on him following us in the car. I had to laugh, and we kept right on walking, knowing that it wasn't a big deal. As we kept walking, I realized they held him there for quite a while. I also realized that he, like me, was still in his pj's and probably did not have his wallet on him! That's right the whole time this is taking place we are still in pajamas. I was walking down the road in old bottoms, flip flops, and no bra!!

After what seemed like a very long time I see a cop pull up to sit with my husband, and another cop pulls up along side me. He asks me what is going on, and I confirm that yes, he is my husband, and yes, I did ask him to follow me in the car. No, he is not a stalker. The the officer asked me, "Why are you walking, while he is driving? What happened between you guys?" I explain to him that nothing happened. I told him a very short version of Lily wanting to see her friends. He then replies with, "This little one, she can't make up her mind like that" Oh you want to bet!! Obviously she did! I continued walking the whole time mind you, and kind of just made him walk right along beside us. They finally decided that my husband's story and mine matched, and they let him go. Apparently, he is not a stalker!

The rest of the walk passed slowly, my little girl had slowed down tremendously. It was rather uneventful from here out. I talked to her about asking if her friends could play, and not just demanding, and expecting it. So she made it! 1 1/2 miles, and was very happy to see her friend's house. She marched up, and rang the bell. Oh the shocked look on my friend's face to see us there. You see I didn't mention...I am sick. Have been for a while. Coughing my lungs out the entire way. But, so worth it to follow this through. So I told Lily to ask, and indicated to my friend to say no. After Lily heard no, I knelt down and told her that maybe next time it would be a better idea to talk to mommy, and call before walking all the way over here.
You should have heard the gasp my friend let out! Of course after explaining that I walked with her I think my friend was only slightly more at ease. :)

Lily accepted that she would not get to take her friends home, and so we loaded up in the car and left. When we got home, we sat down and talked to her about learning to make the best choices. I think she could honestly see that walking was not the best choice, calling was. We also talked to her about independence, and while we think it is a good thing to try something she should always ask first, not demand. I do think it was good for her to try doing this, because even though she didn't succeed, she learned that it is ok to try. It is ok, to reach for something even if you don't get it. She learned to accept it when something doesn't turn out the way you want it to. She had fun while trying. I'm sure these lessons will need to be learned over and over again, but we now have a reference when talking to her about choices, independence, and trying to do things. It was worth it for those lessons, but the laughs and fun we had would have been enough.

I Neglect My Child

2010-03-05T09:29:00.007-05:00

Time moves very quickly. All my spaces in the day get filled up with cooking, and cleaning, and going places, and then when night hits I am so worn out that I crash on the couch to be mindless. In the mist of my mothering through out the day; the disciplining, and teaching, and feeding, and baths, how often do I hold my child?

This is the question that has been on my mind this week. How often do I hold her? How often do I just sit, and talk with her? How often do I hear her heart? Am I missing my child?

Monday was busy as always. We did some running around, some baking and picking up the house, some rest because I was feeling sickish. I went to "girls night", and when I came home, she was still awake. That beautiful, energetic little girl of mine. She wanted me, so I got her out of bed, and went to the couch. That's when I realized, I had totally missed her today. I was with her all day long, and yet I couldn't remember one time that I had talked to her. I had not fully focused on her, looking her in the eyes, holding her close, listening only to her. I had been so caught up in the day, and going from one thing to the next, that I missed seeing her, hearing her, loving on her.

She of course knows that I love her. I, of course, had heard her though out the day, and we had conversations, but I had not really talked with her. I had seen her, I did her hair, pulled her in and out of the car, she was around me the whole time I cooked and cleaned, but I had not really looked at her. I had not really spent one on one time with her. I had not really seen, or heard my child. As I thought about it more, I realized that I rarely do. I rarely take the time to focus only on her. I have become so good at multi-tasking that I multi-tasked my daughter right into my day, instead of taking time to focus on her.

This realization made me so sad. I felt like I had neglected my little girl. I felt like I had failed her. I thought about how I would feel if my heavenly Daddy had went about His day so busy that I was part of the background, and He didn't really listen to, or see me. I wondered how many times do I put Him in the background and not in focus??? (Scary thought!)

Then I determined to hold my baby every day. To talk to her. To focus on her. I know there will be days I fail, but I know my God can help me. I only get one shot at this thing called "Motherhood". I really want to be the best that I can possibly be. I know you do too.

Maybe this isn't an issue for you. Maybe you spend one on one time with your children every day. That's great! Yet, maybe it's something you struggle with. Maybe it never occurred to you that your child (and you) may need that time. Maybe you keep putting that time off for other things that keep you busy. Maybe you are just moving from one thing to the next, and not really focusing. Baths to storybook, storybook to teeth, teeth to bed....I just wanted to write, and ask you to please keep them in focus. They will be grown before you know it. Enjoy your children, they are such a blessing.

Let's hold each other accountable. Let's love on our babies, and gently remind each other often to do so.

Time, Where Did You Go??

2010-02-24T00:47:00.004-05:00

Wow, I am so far behind with my blogging! Time completely gets away from me. Life has been so busy...you understand don't you? I am wearing myself down. I can feel it. My body has been trying to get sick for almost two days now. Not good!

I know that I need to slow down. I told my husband tonight "What is the point of God calling me to be a Stay at Home mom, if I am never at home? If I am running around, and not taking care of my self and my family??" Seriously, sometimes I feel like I am doing everything backwards.

So this week yet, I am making/decorating a cake with a friend...should be lots of fun!! Then girls prayer night, where I am sharing the verses...yikes!! By the end of the week I plan on having all of my daughters school stuff for the year! Shopping here I come! Also taking some time to cuddle up with my best friend's babies. Always a peaceful break in my week when she is loving enough to let me do that :) (It's her date night this week...she doesn't have a choice but to hand those babies over! Lucky me!!)

Hopefully next week I will be living slower, simpler, and listening to God a bit more about my time!! Hubby has been laid off, so that doesn't help with my schedule much. There is some adjusting to do, but I know that God can get me on track yet!

All You Need is love from BANDAGED TOGETHER

2010-02-14T21:42:00.001-05:00

In the spirit of Valentine's Day I give you a fun song from the past, redone!!

What's New Pussy Cat???

2010-02-08T14:14:00.007-05:00

We have named the cat! His name is Argon. It is Greek, and means; inactive. Very fitting for a cat I do believe! There is one slight problem though....it seems I am allergic! I thought my cold was still lingering, but yesterday while at church I got better! I came home, and got worse. Then went to a friends house, and again amazingly got better!! When I got back home with in an hour I was sick again. Congested, sinus pressure, and a very dry, raw throat. It only happens at home...stinkin' allergies!! This mama will be taking lots of stuff for it, because I couldn't bear to ask my girl to get rid of her cat!

Last night I found Lily with her head over the sink. She was soaking wet after trying to straighten her hair with soap water. We (my dear friend and I) dried her off, and then much to her pleasure, straightened her hair with a flat iron. I had been saying for quite some time that I needed to cut her hair, but I was procrastinating. Have you ever seen her curls, or noticed the fact that she acts like she has ants in her pants ALL THE TIME!!?? Well, then you understand why I was avoiding cutting her hair. After we straightened it though, we really noticed how deadened it was on the bottom. Her hair was so long, about at her waist. We took off about six inches. It still hits a few inches below the shoulders, and looks sooo cute! It looked amazing straightened too. Although Brian did not think so, he loves the curls too much! Thankfully she did not loose her curl with the cut!

My Hubby's phone just died. The funeral is set for later today, as he was very attached to it. His previous phone is so close to the end. It should be in a nursing home, but we will try to revive it. Worst case, he will have to go with out a phone for a while. What would he do with all the silence?? (Gasp!)

Hubby is also on layoff from work. 6-8 weeks long. We have set up a schedule, and a list of things to accomplish while he is home. In the past, him being home has always been a very stressful thing for me. I like schedule, and lists, and things to stay all clean!! This does not happen when he is home. So taking these things into account, we have planned, and are hoping to be around each other quite nicely while he is off work.

I have been doing some looking into school curriculum. We have chosen to home school and it is time for me to get cracking!! I am thinking that for preschool I am going to create my own program using Sonlight's book list, and coming up with the rest on my own. As she gets older though, right now my plan is to combined Sonlight, and CLE I really like Sonlight's literature, and CLE's workbooks. I totally realize though that anything can change!

I have been trying a lot of new recipes, and loving them! So I thought I would include a link to my favorite cooking blog~Enjoy!

Other then that life is ...well life! Work outs, Bible study, family, cooking, cleaning~everyday....you get the idea.

What does your life look like right now??

Name that Cat

2010-02-05T23:24:00.006-05:00

Today we got a cat. The idea is mostly to have something for my daughter to love on, take care of, and play with. She is so lonely sometimes. Raising an only child can be so heart breaking. We have entered into problems I never imagined we would have to deal with. (Don't hear what I am not saying! I love having her, wouldn't trade her for anything, and am not distraught about raising her. I just wish she had someone to share childhood with.) Being close to other family's helps in some ways, and makes it worse in other ways.
Today though we decided to do something pro-active for her. We got her a cat! Here he is:

Now we have a real problem...we don't know what to name him! So I'm opening it up to you, dear readers, suggestions please? We want something strong, and possibly unusual for this fellow. He tends to be timid, and we would like to counteract that with a great name!
What names do you propose??

I'm Being a Baby

2010-02-04T10:23:00.004-05:00

Oh, How I hate being sick!! Yet, here I am again. It's only a cold this time, but it has taken over my body! I can't breath, I have a vice around my head, and neck. Life just isn't fun when you are sick!
I really want to blog my heart out here but I don't feel like I could write that long with out my head going fuzzy. You understand.
Part of me wants to say, I'm not that bad. I'm just being a baby. I have been so much sicker than this before!
The other part of me knows, I have to take care of myself! So that is what I am trying to do.
I am not letting my house lack because of my sick state. I couldn't handle that, but if I'm not cleaning I am sitting.

The thing I am really struggling with about being sick (Other then hating it!) is that God told me to be healthy, live healthy, take care of myself this year. Remember the post on Intentional Health? Yet, I have found myself sick twice this year already! It doesn't make sense. I don't understand, and I really want to know what God is up to! So I am praying, and searching, and hoping God shares His reasoning with me :)

Well, I'm off to make some oatmeal, and get some reading done before my little girl wakes up. I hope to be blogging better stuff soon. Praying you all stay healthy!

The Rich and the Poor

2010-01-31T22:41:00.004-05:00

We talked about our money, and giving to the poor this morning. Our church was studying James 5:1-6. We were shown that we are rich (even if you feel poor), comparatively. I have two pages of notes from the sermon it's self, but these are the thoughts I had personally. If you know us you know that having the fiances to live is a struggle. I have been dealing with a lot on my mind lately and money is a part of what explodes up in there on a daily basis. This is a whole different perspective, and I haven't quite worked it all out, but I thought I would share:

People who are poor are necessary to fulfill Jesus' teachings on how to treat people. With out the poor we would avoid a lot of living out the New Testament. Do poor people exist partly to grow us as Christians? Why then do we just assume that God is against us if we struggle financially? What if God's plan for our life is to be poor so that we can challenge others to give and to live out Jesus' teachings? On the flip side of that; Do the rich also exist in our lives to teach and challenge the poor? To teach them contentment and thankfulness??

The thing that gets me the most about this is, are we struggling financially to grow others? I think I would be much more ok with struggling for someone's benefit then because of something I have done, but it does put struggles in a different light to think about it this way. I haven't totally worked out what I think of this yet....just throwing my thoughts out there. I do know that these thoughts do not apply to every person struggling with money. Sometimes it really is the consequences of our own life. I was just thinking of this in perspective of the person that is faithful and responsible and still struggles. I was thinking of this personally, not necessarily as a whole.

Soooo .......tell me what you think!

Quote

2010-01-25T22:20:00.004-05:00

“The thing about losing a child is that you do not just lose them once, but you go on experiencing the loss of what they would have been.”

-Sarah Williams

This was quoted in the comments of a blog I was reading tonight. The truth of this woman's sadness resonates within me.

Running.....

2010-01-25T17:19:00.007-05:00

I live such a busy life! Sometimes I think if you were to look at me from above all you would see is flashes of color as I run from one place to the next. Ok, so that may be a bit of an exaggeration. Seriously though, I just went from being down a week to being the Roadrunner

I am feeling better than I was. Mostly I lack energy, still feel somewhat weak, and drained, but I'm pushing through.

Friday night was soup, and game night with friends. We all made something, and ended up with: Pistou Soup, french bread, yummy chocolate chip cookies. Then we played Settlers of Catan and Last Word. We got home about 11pm.

Saturday not long after waking up we went to look at a house with my parents. Loved the woodwork, but not sure if it's what they really need. From there we did our shopping, and came home to make BLT Pasta It was so good! Healthy too, which is always a plus for me. I tried to take a nap, but did not succeed. Then Hubby and I had our bi weekly date! We tried a new food joint; Five Guys It was really yummy. I don't think it would be a favorite but I could probably eat there a few times a year! From there we went to Barnes and Noble, where my Hubby bought me a beautiful soft leather journal. I had a lot of fun looking at books for my daughter. I finally choose Amelia Bedelia I remember reading it as a young girl, and my little girl is just as happy with her. We got back fairly late, and each did our own thing for a while at home then we watched a movie and didn't get to bed until about 2 am.

Sunday, oh what a crazy day! I got up, got ready, and ran out the door by 10. Lily and I went to church while Brian saw a doctor. He has a yucky infection. :( We waited after church for him to pick us up, then we went to Arby's with a friend from church. As soon as lunch was done, I was off again. I took Brian and Lily home for naps and met my dear friend for a peaceful afternoon out at Starbucks. We then ran to our storage unit, and dug for a long time only to not find the clothes we were looking for. We went from there to Wal-Mart for Hubby's prescriptions. This takes us up to 6 pm, and so far I had not really been home. Well, from there I went to our church for a church family meeting (or update night) I was out of there by about 8 o'clock. So then I ran to Kroger to return a movie, and while I was there I found someones iPhone in the bathroom. I spent 15 minutes with the manager trying to help her locate the owner. It was very obviously a teenager's phone, and after calling all the "Dad" numbers, and the phone company, a girl walks up yelling at me for having her phone. The manager asked if she could prove it was her phone (she could have just been someone watching us, it was obvious we were trying to locate the owner) The girl yelled at me more, but finally proved she was the owner, and I handed her the phone. She was very mad. It is very sad when someone is treated so disrespectfully when they are trying to help. I just kept thinking; This girl is pretty lucky, most people would have walked off with it!! From there I went back to church because Lily had left her baby doll there, then to drop off 4 day late books and movies at the library. All the running had basically taken the place of dinner so I stopped to pick up a pizza, and then to the video store. I walked back in my door about 12 hours after I had first walked out it!

Today has been another busy day. Worked on then went to bible study most of the morning, lunch and time with Lily when I got home. A heart to heart talk with Hubby who stayed home from work because of the infection. Then de-cluttering!! We started about 5 hours ago and managed to get about 1/2 way done. I wish we could get it all done tonight, but I know if I don't rest now I will fall over, or worse MELTDOWN! So I am going to go find something for dinner now and hope to finish my house tomorrow. I did not work out today, but I'm hoping cleaning out my couch counts! :D

An ER Visit, A Shocked Doc, and A plan

2010-01-21T13:47:00.003-05:00

Well, I took myself to the ER last night and got strep throat confirmed. The Doctor gave me a stronger, double the dose medication, and said I should be felling better really soon. He also had to give me a dose of steroids because the swelling in my throat was so bad it was obstructing my breathing. I didn't realize how right he was until it worked! I was able to sleep laying down....what a big relief for this girl, who is totally freaked out to sleep sitting up. (Another story for another time)
I was finally able to sleep a decent stretch of time and woke up feeling a lot better! Although my throat is still hurting, I can breath, move my neck with only a bit of stiffness, and that horrible head ache is dulling. I got some house work done before feeling exhausted, and now I think I will just rest for the afternoon.

Today a wonderful, dear friend blessed me by running out in the cold with her children and filling my prescription for me. I was unable to do it in the middle of the night, and she took time out of her ever so busy day to help me. I very much appreciated it. Thank you for showing such love to me dear friend. Your willingness to help me brings tears to my eyes. (Yes, literally)

Ok so the funny part; the Doctor was in a huge hurry, and as he was trying to bolt out the door I stopped him. I asked him when it was ok for me to return to my high impact work out. You should have seen the look of shock on his face. It. Was. Great. :) I don't think to many fat sick women ask about returning to working out. He kind of stuttered about taking it slow, but being able to get back to it soonish. When I really pressed him, he said don't start until next week. Then he told me to do a low impact work out for a few days, and if I feel well enough and am not getting worn out then I can move up.
Seriously?? Who doesn't get worn out?
I have been doing Jillian's (Biggest Looser) 30Day Shred and wow does she kick your butt! I have a love/hate relationship with that work out. I was almost ready to move up to the next level, in fact that would have been today. Now I am thinking I will have to start all over :(
I do get really concerned that I will have a hard time being motivated to start over. I am the kind of person who has to do all or nothing, this start and stop thing is just not working for me. This will be the third time I will have to start her work out! I just want to get through it all once. Gesh is that to much to ask?? I guess I will do what I have to do in order to take care of my body.
If I trust my scale (which I really don't) then I have lost 4 pounds this week. Most of it in the last two days. I am hoping to keep it off, and continue the loss. I know that in order to do that I will have to keep my calories lower then I was (since I have hardly eaten while sick) and bring on the work outs. A good balance should do it! Since I can't work out hard right away I am going to start Monday with some yoga work outs. I have wanted to add that to my day anyway so now is a good time to start. I have also been looking into green smoothies and my goal (if it doesn't get to expensive) is to have one for breakfast every morning. That should help my body a lot...in so many ways. ;)

Well, that's a long enough update. I think I am going to lay down a while.

I HATE Being Sick!!

2010-01-20T10:45:00.004-05:00

I hate being sick! I have had throat/ear issues for over a week and a half now. But Sunday I started really feeling run down so I took a nap and thought nothing of it. Monday I woke up and my throat which usually got better as the day went on did not get better! By the time I woke up from a nap on Mon my throat was on fire!! I have had ear pain, throat pain!! cold chills, fever (I woke up in the middle of the night the last two nights completely drenched in sweat!) head and neck both feel like they have been in a vice, and even walking to the bathroom was a challenge because I was so weak. Pretty sure I had/have strep. Yuck!
We had some penicillin on hand so I have been taking that, but only about 5 days worth (1/2 the amount of time they would usually have you on meds for strep) So I am also trying every thing natural that I have on hand. I thought I would share that here: Cold care tea, Hot toddy's, the whiskey raises your temperature to help fight infection while also burning the heck out of your throat as it kills bacteria on the way down! Grapefruit extract, also kills Bactria but tastes nasty! Pro biotic to replenish good bacteria and fight off the bad! Advil for pain and fever.....didn't really do much good. Zicam for the congestion. Hot pad on neck, hot wet towel on ears, and rest. Also gargled salt water, but almost threw up doing it!
I haven't been able to sleep much more than about 20 minutes in every hour for the last few days, but last night I took every pillow we had available and propped my self up. I hate sleeping sitting up! But it helped. It kept the draining going with out pooling in the back of my throat. I woke up this morning having slept a few hours strait off and on all night, my throat is still raw, but at least it doesn't make me scream to drink water! The ear that had not been hurting now hurts like mad...I don't really understand that. But at least we have improvement.

Tonight I was supposed to go grocery shopping. My husband doesn't want me leaving the house until I am a little better, so he is convinced he can do the shopping. We will see. He is the guy who throws lots of extras in the cart. Always junk food. Sounds scary to me.

I am trying to eat as healthy as possible to heal bodies and prevent more sickness. I am eating very limited because of the pain. If I'm lucky this sickness will jump start my weight loss :) I am not working out while sick....but I wish I could.

So breakfast this morning was: scrambled eggs~plain, whole wheat toast~w/ homemade pear butter~spiked with pro biotic, freshly juiced oranges~first cup spiked with grapefruit extract~second cup spiked with beni-fiber. It hurt going down, (not as bad as yesterday, though) but I know it will be good for my body.

Hoping to feel better soon. Hoping you and your family stay well!

Do They Remember?

2010-01-14T14:58:00.002-05:00

I worry sometimes that my baby will be forgotten. The baby we lost two years ago. I sometimes think, do they know? Do they remember? Do they care? There was once a life inside of me that we never got to hold. There was once a child that we so gratefully anticipated.

My oldest child (stepson) Cameron is no longer in our life but living. He was a part of my life for almost 5 years. Yet, so many people forget about him. I am left thinking, how can one forget? He was ours, and we miss him so much. Yet, most don't remember.

Then I go on to think that if people can't remember the first child we no longer get to keep. The child that hugged them so many times, how will they ever remember the baby they never got to hold.

I know as a parent it is more important to me than anyone else that my children are remembered. Still, I worry that others will forget.

Coffee and Girl Time

2010-01-13T18:24:00.003-05:00

I need some coffee, and girl time..... Doesn't this look lovely?
This pic was taken at my last coffee/girl time weeks ago. Of course mine is the massive amount of caffeine! Can't wait to do it again....who wants in?

Intentional Living 2010

2010-01-08T12:08:00.004-05:00

God has been speaking to me about living intentionally through out this year. I started out thinking about new year resolutions, and began to realize that they never work because of my mind set. Because I am trying to do them on my own. So then I started thinking about time, and God, and if he has a plan for each year. The more I prayed the more He showed me that God has intentions for my life, for my time, and for each year. This was affirmed through scripture, and also through several people in our church....and they don't even know it!

So then I started praying about what God's intentions for my year would be. I didn't want to make resolutions this year, I wanted to commit to God's intentions! There are several smaller personal goals, family goals, and marriage goals that I want to see brought about. Then there were two BIG things that God showed me needed to change.

So I have spent time over the last few weeks praying, and writing out the changes God wants to make in my life. I say God wants to make these changes because there is no way in my humanness that I could do it myself.

I thought I would share these two things here with you. I spent some time today crafting these lists onto beautiful paper to hang in my home where I can be reminded of them often.

So, the first thing God intends for my next year is :

Intentional Health
I mean come on, how often are we intentionally caring for our body? The biggest thing that God showed me~changing my whole perspective on the loose weight resolution, which is so easy to break~is that with out a healthy body, I am hindering what God could be doing through me! If I were healthy, not tired, not weak, ect....God could use me so much more! I know that our body is God's temple, but telling me that always caused me frustration...on the other hand, if you tell me that by not taking care of my body I am not available to all God could have me doing....that is a scary thought.

Intentional Health for me means

Work out Daily (videos, yoga, walking,ect)
Eat only whole foods: nothing processed or fake
Keep sugar out (or at least very minimal!)
Limit food intake, sticking with food plans made for my body (For those of you who don't know, I have had a lot of health problems in my life. As a result of that I am supposed to be following food plans set up by the doctor...so hard!)

I also included a verse when I posted this in my home:

Psalm 119:37
Turn away my eyes from beholding vanity (idols and idolatry); and restore me to vigorous life and health in Your ways

The second thing God is showing me to keep intentional for 2010 is my walk with Him
These are the things God gave me to live out intentionally in my walk with Him. All the things God is prompting me to do I should have been doing daily as a christian anyway. They are basic things, and I could make excuses but I won't. I will say that writing them out today and searching for verses to go with each thing was a challenge in itself, and I am hoping that will help me stay focused.
This is what I wrote;

Keep me abiding that I may bear fruit. John 15:4-7 Look it up! ;)

Get in the Word Psalm 119:50 This is my comfort and consolation in my affliction: that your word has revived me and given me life!
Memorize the Word Psalm 119:11 Your word I have laid up in my heart that I might not sin against You.
Prayer and Thanksgiving (This should be obvious~Pray and Be thankful!) Colossians 4:2 Be earnest and unwearied and steadfast in your prayer life, being both alert and intent in your praying with thanksgiving. (Amp. Bible) Pray diligently. Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude. (Mes. Bible)
Leading Lily to God Deuteronomy 11:19 Teach them (My words) to your children. Talk about them where ever you are, sitting at home, or walking in the street: Talk about them from the time you get up until you go to bed. (I took the Message, and Amplified and paraphrased to fit on my paper)

So there is a little bit of what God has been prompting me toward.

What is God asking of you this year??

Do as I say, not as I do!

2010-01-06T12:53:00.004-05:00

Today I find myself saying "Why won't you obey? Do you think you only have to obey when you want to?"

Apparently my daughter thinks so.

Then I started thinking....Am I much different? Do I always obey? When God is prompting me, do I do what he asks? Do I follow his word, His instruction?

Do I ignore Him? Do I wait until He has to tell me three, maybe four times? Do I do it, but protest with all that's in me?

After yelling at Lily for what seemed like the millionth time today, I began to wonder...how often do I act like this to God? Why do we expect full, immediate, joyful obedience from our children, but then not expect the same thing from ourselves?

How can I expect obedience from my daughter when I do not always hold the same expectations for myself? Talk about hypocrisy.

Parenting is bringing out the selfishness in me today. I am so thankful that God does not respond in selfishness when I am being a pain in the rear!

I'm Yellow!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-01T01:30:00.001-05:00

Holy Crap I'm yellow and orange!!

Today I got a new computer. A wonderful guy from church decided that our very slow, outdated one was just not good enough. Especially if he was going to come over and use our computer while he is here. So this amazingly great computer guy gave us a new computer. This is the first time I have had to check it out, and low and behold I come to my blog and what do I see??? I thought it was green and black, but nnnooooo!! I am yellow and orange! Crazy!!

So I don't know if I was always yellow or if this is because the screen needs adjusted, would someone please tell me what colors I was before and what colors I am now??? Is it my old computer playing tricks with my eyes or my new one??

Well, not the new year post I had planned, but it will have to do. I'm off to bed now. Wow, what a first discovery of the new year!

Take this Burden and Pray

2009-12-19T09:31:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I have ever been so sad. I know that I have, but in the sad moments of life doesn't it feel like the worst? A friend is hurting. I have come to love this man. He has been a part of my husbands life for 22 years. They are brother's even though blood would prove otherwise. That in and of it's self is enough to love him. My husband doesn't have very good relationships with most of his family. This man is more family than my husband has ever known. Yet it's more than that. I have known him for about 10 years. We have all suffered a great deal, and walked through so much together. He has always taken care of me and looked out for...I am his "brothers wife" after all. A safe place to talk.

A few weeks ago this friend's dad died. His family came. They were not here for support and help. They hurt him. He has always been used and unwanted by most of the people in his life. His family was the worst. Imagine if not only does your family not want you, but then used you in every way they could because of it. They have always taken every ounce of him that they can, tearing him down, and leaving his heart beaten after every encounter. He could never walk away. He didn't know how to say no. He only knew that they were family, and he would do anything for them because of it. God placed in this man a deep desire to help people. It has brought him so much pain.

He has struggled for years and years with addictions, and self hate. He has always been self destructive but usually keeps control on it. He is a christian man. He could tell you more about the Bible than anyone I know. Oh if this man had a different life he would make an awesome pastor!!! He knows and loves God. He tries (like everyone else) to follow the steps of Jesus. He fails. He falls. He hurts. He stands back up.

Last night he could not stand back up. He hurt to much. He talked to my husband. Brian drove an hour to see him. They took a drive. They cried. They hugged. They have never been closer. The hurt is too much for our friend to handle.

He said he was glad that he talked to my husband that night and not me. His reason...because my husband is stronger than I am, and would handle what he had to say better. I think he knows I would have tried to reason logic into him before accepting what he had to say. (Not saying that my husband didn't throw God's word at him a few times.) When it comes down to losing someone I love...he is right, Brian is stronger. I cried just listening to my husband talk about the night.

There is so much I cannot tell you. So much that is privet and personal. I will tell you this. Our family. My husband, myself, my daughter. We love and care about this man. He is hurting. I don't know if I have ever seen someone in so much emotional distress, and that is saying a lot. I am pleading with you today. Please, please pray for him. He needs to be lifted up to God. We, all of us, are his brothers and sisters. Please take him to God today. Please also pray for us. The choices he is making will leave a deep hole in our lives. This sorrow is to much of a burden to carry alone. Please lift some of it for me by praying for him.....

Thank you all so much.

His Ways

2009-12-10T11:39:00.008-05:00

Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

Every day Lily asks me; "Mommy, you happy?" Like everyone else I am not happy everyday, but usually I can say "your smile makes me happy" or something like that in those moments. She just wants to know that something makes me happy. I honestly think it is joy she is asking about, and I have taken a lot of time lately to contemplate this, and will probably post about it soon.

Today I couldn't even muster up a small amount of happiness for her. She is sick again, and it makes my heart so sad. I am not a person prone to crying. I am much more likely to get angry than cry, but right now I cannot stop crying! I was holding my little girl this morning. Her fever warming us both as she fussed in my lap, and the tears just streamed down. She kept telling me that water was falling from my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. When she realized that I was not happy she got very sad herself, and started telling me over and over again; "I sorry, I sick mommy. I sorry I sick." Wow. Talk about some massive heart break!

As I have said before, last winter was hard with back to back illnesses. I have had some fear that this winter will be the same, and so far it has proven me right. I just cannot seem to handle it. Last year I carried on with life, cleaned the house, made the meals, and took care of my baby. This year I seem to be paralyzed on the couch with her. My house is still a mess, and my heart is an even bigger mess.

God and I have been talking today! I know His ways are not my ways. Yet I really want them to be. I really want my baby healthy! I really want to have a normal life. Today we were supposed to make Christmas cookies, and we couldn't go because of sickness. Two weeks ago we missed church. Life goes on for others, and I know that many have been affected by illness this year, yet it seems like they bounce back so much quicker while we are sitting still, dealing with one thing after another. (Yes, I know this is a selfish rant, and that many others have it much worse than we do. I am thankful everyday that we do not deal with some of the health problems of others. I am just sharing the struggles of my day. Hope you understand that.)

I do not feel emotionally able to handle sickness this year. I do not understand God's ways, and am having a really hard time trusting Him right now. It was so much of a struggle for us to have a child, and now we struggle so hard to keep her healthy. I just want to stomp my foot and tell God I don't want your ways if this is it. Yet, I know I must trust my heavenly daddy. I know that He is in control and sees so much more than I see. I know that His ways are greater than mine, even if I struggle with His ways. I know, I know, I know....could someone please connect it with my heart?

All day I have been repeating Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

I don't know if I am taking comfort from it, hoping it will go back and change my day, or if I am trying to convince myself of this truth. I think mostly I am just trying to change my attitude with this scripture. I guess I should keep trying.
I know that God's word speaks to us, and changes us, so I will continue to lean on that.

Emotions have drained me, and now I am very tired. I may go join Lily for a nap. Please continue to pray health for Lily, and strength for me. If God chooses health I will be thrilled, but if that is not His way right now...I am gonna need strength!

Work It Out, Baby!

2009-12-08T17:28:00.003-05:00

Working out...don't you love it? I do. What I really hate though is finding the motivation to get up off my rump and actually do it! Once I start I love it. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the thought of what it could make me. I just love it. So why is it so hard to get motivated? I really don't know.

I started working out with a friend 6ish weeks ago. We decided to do the Biggest Looser Boot camp work out. Every two weeks we went up a level so by week 5 we were on the toughest level and working our butts off for an hour 5 days a week. Right around week 5 we also stopped working out together. We had a few days that it just didn't work to get together so her husband joined her, and they have been doing it together ever since. I finished out week 5 and started on week 6. I did about 3 days of that finial week and when I weighed I found out that I had gained 3 pounds. My friend has (so far) lost about 10 pounds, and while I am very happy for her I knew than I could not continue doing the program with out getting very frustrated and quitting all together. I also knew that I probably wouldn't have kept doing a program that took me an hour every day by myself. I think my body just needed something different. So I switched to Jillian's (another Biggest Looser coach) 30 day Shred. Their work outs were very similar so I knew it would be challenging enough. After 6 weeks of working my body hard, I needed a challenge, something easier would not have satisfied me! The difference was that I would be working my body just as hard, but more concentrated, and in about a third of the time.
So day one of her program, I debated after doing it if it was easier, harder, or the same as the boot camp work out I had just stopped. It was different. There was more cardio and abs, but less squats. Yet I couldn't really say if it was harder.
Well, day 2 and 3 I had decided she was trying to kill me. It was harder, my heart raced, and I was wheezing like crazy, but I did it!!
I have to do it yet today, and with the exhaustion that I feel right now it is very debatable if I will actually get it done. This is a 30 day program, and I know that if I don't follow it the way it is planned out my results will be much less than hoped for. Yet, I am proud of myself for sticking with working out. It has been a few years since I worked out daily.
It has been very discouraging to me that I haven't lost any thing. After more than 6 weeks of kicking butt there has been no weight loss, no inches lost. Yes I have gained endurance, but come on girls....do we really work out to gain endurance to work out? I don't think so. I would really, REALLY like to see some progress soon! Until then I guess I will keep going at it.
I haven't done a whole lot to change the way I eat, but we were already eating a pretty healthy diet to begin with. I am trying to be conscious of everything I put in my mouth. My biggest help in this area is: I can eat what ever I want when I go out (this usually includes eating at a friend's house) but at home I am limited and healthy. Since I don't go out more than once a week it limits my splurge times. I usually make one sweet thing a week, but give most of it away or send it to work with my husband. It is also very important to me to get all my water drank through out the day.
I guess if I don't see changes soon I am going to have to rethink what I am doing.

What are you doing to keep your body healthy? To loose weight or eat healthy?

Sick, Sad, and Guilty

2009-11-29T13:21:00.003-05:00

My daughter is sick again, and I am having a really hard time with it.

I was just saying/thinking last week that I needed to start taking precautions as winter approaches to keep her healthy this year. Last winter she was very sick with back to back illnesses for several months. I really want to avoid that this year.
So last night she suddenly spiked a fever and started crying about a sore throat. I continued to watch her fever and before bed it hit 103.7.....except that several hours later I realized that I forgot to add a degree (I take her temp under her arm) and it smacked me between the eyes that she had really been running a 104.7 temperature. She had hit the danger zone, and I didn't even realize it. Boy did I feel like crap. Here I am, the mother of a child who is sick often, and I let something like that slip my mind! Talk about feeling like a failure.

We were up off and on through out the night. Fever, throwing up, drinks for the sore throat, and just feeling the yuckyness of being sick. All night long she kept telling me "I not sick" over and over again. She wanted so badly to not be sick again that she just kept denying it. My heart broke every time she cried that. By morning she was asking to see her Doctor. I called and talked to him....strep throat. Penicillin.

You see we had family dinners this week to celebrate Thanksgiving, and I later found out that several people had been sick or brought their sick children. There was both flu and strep present that day! Sick children played with my child, sick adults held her. I am not responding to this news very well. I want to scream, cry, and give a piece of my mind to these people! Why, why would you go to a big gathering with sick children?? Why are you not responsible enough to not expose other people? Do I have to keep my child shut in because others do not consider the effects going out sick might have? I just stated not long ago that I do not want to be a shut in this year! Happy Thanksgiving to you, I do not thank you for giving this time!

I am scared that I will not be able to keep her healthy again this winter. No mama likes to see her baby sick. I am scared that her immune system will get worse, and cause more health issues, development issues, lead issues. I am scared she will never be healthy. I am scared that she will not have the quality of life that other kids do.

I am also feeling very guilty. I was supposed to help a friend move today, and I am not there. I know that there are other very capable people that will get the job done, but I feel guilty that I am not there to help them. I feel a responsibility to be there, and am beating myself up for not. I just keep thinking that I am always there when needed, so I feel bad that this time I didn't show up. Some of the people helping are already getting sick, and it's raining. I don't think I will be able to stop myself from feeling some blame if they end up really sick. I know my daughter needs me, and I need to stay healthy, but my husband is home. I could go. I could help. I should rest. I should listen to my husband. I should be able to be everywhere at once to take care of every one...oh wait...is that right?? :)

Well, I am off to take care of my girl, and my self. Trying to find some peace and relaxation in this day. Thanks for listening (reading).

Heart Aches and Random Writings

2009-11-03T23:12:00.004-05:00

My heart has been stumbling for weeks through a valley. The dark kind, full of self hate talk, rejection, hurt, worthlessness, torment, anger, and emotion. Most of these things directed at myself.
I know of others who have, and are still struggling with some of the same things.
I have been hurt, and hurt others, and this all leads to a very ungodly heart attitude. Sorrow has been living in my heart. My husband told me tonight that I need to take out all the trash in my life. He told me by that he means all the situations that cling to me and pull me down.

I had this dialog with my self a week ago:

Where do broken hearts go to heal?
"God"

How does He heal them?
"With His love"

How does He show His love?
"Through His word~The beauty He creates~The blessings He gives~Time with Him"

How do I receive His love?
"Come to Him~Be still in Him~Breath Him in"

This is so hard to do. To remember, and to live it out on a daily basis seems impossible. Oh Lord, help me.

I read this the other day: When you believe in God your life is a psalm. It will record your downbeats of doubt as you cry out to God with your troubles, and it will chronicle your chords of exultation as he helps you and gives you the desires of your heart.
The theme of your life will be God's faithfulness to you. for when all your days have been documented you will undoubtedly report that He never fails you.

This spoke to me because so many times I run to the psalms when my heart is broken. It is a true book of open emotion that leaves me feeling a little less alone. To think of my life as a psalm, as a work of art, open emotion, well that is something sweet for my soul.

There are so many of the Psalms that I love. I read them over and over again. When I need comfort I come to Psalms 34, and62 and 63. Also Isaiah 43: 1-3a, Jeremiah 17: 7-10
Then there is Philippians 1:6 This verse came to mind for a dear friend yesterday, and I could not remember where to find it. This is for you sweet woman of God.
Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
I encourage all of you to read these scriptures today. Meditate on them, then be still and listen to God. Wait on Him to speak to you....He will.

Here is one more piece of writing then I'm back to bed (I got up to write out of fear that I would not remember any of it in the morning)

I am so tired.
In the dark nights I wait.
The sound of your voice is no longer apparent to me.
I close my eyes and whisper into the night.
I wait....
and again no response.
Are you there God?
Do you hear me?

Ah yes, there you are.
In the sound of the rain.
In my baby's repetitive breath.
In the beauty of the stillness all around me.

I feel you in the calm that you have brought to my spirit.
And in the joy you bring to my soul.

Talking Scripture

2009-11-03T18:11:00.002-05:00

I have spent the last two days reading several passages of scripture that God is really using to speak to me. I will post about it more soon. I'm just wondering, what scriptures have been speaking to you lately? What do they say to you and why does it mean so much.
Hope you feel free to share.
A~

Intentions

2009-10-23T21:58:00.003-04:00

My intention was to post every day this week. I was doing food posts to keep myself accountable. Food is easy for me, so I thought it would take no effort.
The problem was the rest of my life takes effort. This week has been full of emotion. I don't know what God has been trying to do with my heart this week, so I just have to hang on while He takes me through it.
I will finish my food posts soon. My goal is now next week. Thanks for being understanding.
A~

When you feel the Need to Kneed

2009-10-20T19:10:00.009-04:00

MMMmmmm, I can smell it already. Can't you? The yeast, the warmth it brings your home, the beautiful brown color. That's right, I'm talking about bread. Those loves that sustain us from day to day.
Bread is one thing I can do well. So here I'm going to give you some of my best bread recipes. Starting with...

French Bread~ This is my favorite soup bread. It is perfect for dipping into just about anything, but especially soups!

1 Tablespoon yeast
1 1/2 cup warm water

Mix in a large bowl until dissolved
Add:

1 Tablespoon sugar
1 1/2 tea salt
1 Tablespoon oil
4 cups flour

Mix well
Add 3- 4 cups of flour One cup at a time until dough is easy to handle
Knead for 5-10 min. Until dough is elastic and smooth.
Let it rise to double. Punch down and divide into 2. Roll out into ropes about 14 in long. Place on a cookies sheet side by side or in a french bread baking pan if you have one. Cut 3 or 4 slashes in the top with a very sharp knife. Let rise again while oven preheats to 375
Bake 25-30 min. Remove from pan at once.

Ready for something else to dip? How about some bread sticks? Yummy soft ones that are fabulous with cheese.

1 cup warm water
2 1/2 teaspoons yeast
3 Tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup oil
2-3 cups flour

Mix yeast in water, dissolve
Add the rest of the ingredients
Kneed, Rise 1 hour
Roll out as thick or thin as you want them
Using a pizza cutter or something of the like, cut into strips as wide as you would like
Twist, tie in knots, stretch, or leave them the shape they are
Let rise on a greased baking sheet about 1 hour
If you would like just before baking them sprinkle with Parmesan cheese, garlic powder, spices, or anything else that comes to you.
Bake at 400* for 15 minutes or until browned.

So many more breads to choose from what do I tell you about next? I recently discovered this recipe and love it (note the singing tone here)! It is Focaccia that I use for our pizza crust! Tastes so good you will think you are at a restaurant. I have only used this for pizza, and it makes it last 3 times longer because we can only eat one piece before we are full.

4 cups flour
2 teaspoons salt
2 1/2 teaspoons yeast
1 2/3 cups water
3 Tablespoons oil

Put flour and salt in a bowl
In a separate bowl mix the yeast water and oil
Make a well in the flour, and pour the liquid in the center
Stir then kneed until soft and elastic~It will be wetter than bread
Rise 1-2 hours
Pour dough from the bowl strait into a greased jelly pan. DO NOT punch down or fold over in any way, just plop it right in.
Use your fingers to stretch it out in the pan. If it won't keep shape let it rest a few minutes then try again.
For true Focaccia brush it with olive oil then sprinkle sea salt and rosemary over the top
Bake at 400* just until light brown, about 15 minutes.
If you are making pizza out of it, after baking just throw on your sauce, cheese and toppings, and put back in the oven til hot

Well, I have 3 more recipes to tell you about. Rolls, I know everyone can make rolls. You can even buy them cheap, but not these. Every Christmas I am asked to make these rolls because they are so rich. Something so good should not be so simple, yet it is. Always have a good roll recipe. If you don't have one, email me!

I almost posted my bread bowl recipe, but if you know me I am guessing you already have it. Early this year I was asked to head up the making of 250 bread bowls for a fund raiser. Yes, in my insanity I agreed. Then the ovens we were going to use became unavailable so the whole operation got moved to my house, and we started baking. I had some amazing sidekicks, partners, friends. We spent the next 4 days round the clock, non stop, insane baking!! It was an emotional time. We laughed, we cried, we were covered in flour! Over all I have mostly fond memories from that week...oh the pig tails :) I still have the recipe, and it is still as wonderful as ever.

Lastly I come from Jewish decent (several generations back). Growing up we celebrated some of the Jewish holidays, and traditions. Partly because of my family's heritage, and partly because the bible tells us to keep the holiday's Jesus kept. Of course he was Jewish so..... One of my favorite breads comes out of this. Hala Bread is the Jewish braided bread that is used every week in the Sabbath dinner. It is a wonderful tradition that I wish we still carried on in my own home. This bread is only good fresh, unless it is used in french toast or grilled cheese. I think it is only good right away because it is only meant to be used in one meal~Sabbath dinner~and not made again until the next week. It is a food that I hold precious because of the memories and legacy that has been left to me.

Before I go, there is one more thing I would like to leave with you.
Matthew 4:4
But He answered and said "It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."
Don't just feed your family bread, feed them God's word. While you are feeding your body today I encourage you to feed your soul.

Chopping, Browning, Boiling, and Spicing. We are Making......

2009-10-19T16:10:00.010-04:00

Alright, here we go! Grab your pen, and paper. Get ready for some yummyness here this week! I will be doing a post a day on my favorite foods. Oh, what a challenge. I will be sharing some recipes, and keeping others safely locked in the family vault ;) If I don't post one you want ask me. If it's one I can't give out, I will find one that is similar for you. Even if I don't post the recipe you will have lots of ideas. Promise!
So are you ready?

Today is....SOUPS!

How much do I love soup? It is the best comfort food, well it ranks with mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and sweets. Those fall and winter days when the cold chills you isn't it wonderful to sit with a hot bowl of soup? Yes, yes it is. I love the whole process of soup. The chopping, browning of meat, the spices. Yum, I can almost smell it now. Oh yes the smell of soup slow cooking is such a wonderful thing to my nose. Then there is the dipping...bread oh bread, well we will get to that later.

My all time favorite soup is Irish Stew. So many flavors that play on your taste buds. I have experimented with this more than any other soup.

Next we have Zuppa Toscana. Ever been to Olive Garden? I have a recipe that will compare so well it will knock your socks off. Here you go:

1 lb ground Italian sausage
1½ tsp crushed red peppers
1 large diced white onion
a few pieces of bacon
many cloves of garlic
10 cups of chicken broth (bought or made with bullion, your choice)
1 cup heavy cream
1 lb sliced Russet potatoes, or about 3 large potatoes
¼ of a bunch of kale, although I love it and add almost the whole thing!

Sauté Italian sausage and crushed red pepper in a large pot. Drain excess fat, refrigerate while you prepare other ingredients.
In the same pan, sauté bacon, onions and garlic for approxiamtly 15 mins. or until the onions are soft.
Mix together the chicken bouillon and water, then add it to the onions, bacon and garlic. Cook until boiling.
Add potatoes and cook until soft, about half an hour.
Add heavy cream and cook until thoroughly heated.
Stir in the sausage.
Add kale just before serving.
Delicious, severs 6-8.

The next, most perfect soup I am going to share with you is:
White Chicken Chili
This soup is so good. It can be made two ways. If you make it in a crock pot you will have a yummy broth, but if you put it in a dutch oven it will be a thicker creamer soup. I personally use a dutch oven. I love the creaminess.
Also, I don't measure things a lot so when I pulled this out to copy here I did not have any measurements written down, these are all approximates.
This is another one of those recipes that can be adjusted for your family's taste. You will need:

Olive oil
One or two large onions
Lots and Lots of garlic...I'm talking like a ton
Jalapenos~when I use these I only put in one or two fresh that I have removed the seeds and chopped.
1 can green chili peppers
Minimum 2 Teaspoons Cumin, I put it Tablespoons of it!
Approximately 1 teaspoon of oregano, and cyanne
About 1/2 teaspoon of crushed red peppers
6ish cups of chicken broth...you can use up to 8 cups.
Chicken, cooked and cut up, at least a pound.
Great Northern Beans~I use a full bag of dried and soak them the night before. If you want to use canned I think you would need about 3 cans
Salt and pepper to taste
Monterrey cheese. Use as much as you want~I use a full bag usually, but most recipes call for one cup. Just make sure you put it in far enough ahead of time to melt down and not clump.

Saute onions, and garlic in dutch oven
Add the rest of the ingredients, except the cheese.
A while before serving add cheese.
Best when served with homemade french bread to dip in it. (Recipe to come)

On we go! Ready for some Minestrone? I have rarely made this, but I love throwing it together when we have nothing left in the house. Usually these ingredients will be on hand.

olive oil
1 onion
a few cloves of garlic
6-8 cups of broth-your choice
a few chopped carrots
1-2 stalks chopped celery
Several teaspoons of Italian seasoning or oregano, parsley, basil
a sprinkle of rosemary, and thyme
I also use Mrs. Dash tomato, basil, and garlic seasoning
Beans~Most recipes use white beans, but I use black and it is just as good. I use dried that I soak over night, you can use canned, (1-2 cans depending on how much you like beans). Just remember to rinse them as most of the gasses are in the juice
small pasta
1-2 cans of diced tomatoes
zucchini cut into small bit size slices
Parmesan cheese to garnish
Most minestrone soups are meat less but I like to add meatballs, I cut them in half. You can also used ground meat or anything else you have on hand. :)

Saute onion, garlic in oil.
Add carrots, celery, seasonings, and about 1/2 the broth. Boil about 15 ish minutes
Add Beans, tomatoes, remaining broth, zucchini, and noodles. (This would also be the time to add the meat)
Cook until noodles are just hardly done. If you cook any longer the noodles will turn to mush as it sits. Check seasonings and adjust.
Garnish with Parmesan cheese.
Note: Many people also put in spinach. I have never done this but would like to try sometime, just thought I would pass that on.

Ok. Last one, my goal was 5. My husband just got home, so I will leave you to dream about his favorite soup: Ham and Bean. I make it spicy, so this is what you want to eat if you need your sinuses cleared out!!

Well, have fun making soup. Come back tomorrow for more tasty ideas, and don't miss the french bread to dip in your soup!

Giveaway

2009-10-14T22:21:00.002-04:00

Hey all! There is this beautiful giveaway over at Like a Warm Cup of Coffee.
She is giving away Biblical wall art! The art is from a great company called Red Letter Art. They have so many encouraging things to place around your home.
My favorite is Hannah's Prayer. It is 1 Samuel 1:20 I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of Him. It is on black canvas and so beautiful. Of course, it touches me personally. So I am hoping to win, but sending you all over to take your own chance at winning. Good luck!

Coming Soon....

2009-10-13T10:00:00.003-04:00

I love food! Boy, does it show ;) Soups, breads, sweets, comfort foods! Coming soon I will be doing a weeks worth of posting. My favorite foods, recipes, tips, and more! Stay tuned...

Why Did God Give Adam a Wife First?

2009-09-30T04:50:00.003-04:00

I have just spent the wee hours of the morning with a friend. We spent about three hours talking about marriage. I said a lot of stuff in three hours, most of which I do not remember. The one thing that really stuck with her though was that our husband should be our number one priority on this earth, second only to our relationship with God.
I told her that we must have boundaries in all other parts of our life in order to protect the marriage relationship. She said I was so sure, and she had never thought of having to protect the relationship, but I told her that if there are not boundaries all of the other things in our life will creep in, and take over until our husbands are no longer top priority. Even the things that God leads us to do in our life should come second to our spouse. He should always be our number one God give priority, with all the other God given things coming after our marriage.
She asked me why I was so sure, and I didn't really have any verses on hand (I'm very bad at that and must improve). I did have a few reasons for her, but one really sticks out in my mind even now. I told her that marriage is the first relationship created by God after His relationship with His people. God said it wasn't good that Adam was alone, so he created a wife for him. I told her; God could have given Adam parents, friends, even children, but he choose to give Adam a wife. I find that very interesting. Why did God give Adam a wife first? Was it perhaps because this is the relationship He was going to hold primary in a humans life? I know that I personally have learned more in from my marriage than any other relationship I have been in. I have also come closer to, seen God more, and learned more about God from my marriage than any other relationship. I have some thinking to do about all this, but thought I would throw some of my thoughts out there.
I also told her that as a Christian woman our focus in life should be serving God, but as a christian wife our focus expands to include serving our husbands. Isn't a HUGE part of marriage learning to serve? It's not just for us either girls, think of all the ways your husband has learned to serve since you married him. Learning to serve can only happen though if you are making it a priority to do so. We are not serving people by nature...just in case you haven't noticed. This is part of why making your husband a top priority is important, with out doing that you will not serve him. At least not in the way God intends for you serve.
Oh so many thoughts. So much marriage can teach. I'm going to stop before I hit the babbling stage of my thoughts. Feel free to post your thoughts in the comments...I would love to read them.

Backgrounds

2009-09-23T10:58:00.002-04:00

This morning I found a new place to get free blog backgrounds. Shabby Blogs does not have as many backgrounds as the program I have been using. Yet, they have backgrounds of shall we say a sweeter nature. They are a more feminine company. Something I think I could use a little more of sometimes.
I have chosen this particular background because it is simple. There were several others that I liked so much better, but when I put them on my blog they looked way to busy. I seem to always be busy, and wanted my blog to be one place where I could come, and be at peace in the simpleness of it.
I am not sure if this background will be my final choice. In fact knowing my self it will change again soon, because I get restless and start rearagning things~including my blog. In the mean time, I do hope that you enjoy the simpleness of it with me.
Let me know what you think...I am always open to feed back.

A link to Housewife Superstars

2009-09-16T13:16:00.003-04:00

My mother recently did a post on women leaving outside jobs to stay at home. It included a link to an interview aired on Austria's 60 Minutes. The interview titled Housewife Superstars was about women who wanted to leave work to become "domestic goddesses". Returning to women of the 50's.
I have just now gotten the chance to watch it, and wanted to share it with you. It was interesting, inspiring, and left you wanting to bake a cake :)
So jump on over to her blog, read it, then click her link for the interview. It is totally worth the time to watch it.
Enjoy, and don't forget to let me know what you think!

I am Emotional

2009-09-06T21:26:00.003-04:00

I feel very emotional today. I have cried so much....
My week has been busy and I'm sure that is alot of it.
I have picked tomatoes twice. Yesterday it was 30 gallons of them, and 10 gallons of peppers.
I have made salsa, spent time with friends, and family. Baked alot! Ran errands.
Today after church I rested alot. I really didn't have a choice, my body and emotions were on the fritz.
I am feeling alot like I over do it with my friends. That I get to needy and then they need space. I don't know how to deal with this. I am just emotional.
Today is also a year since my due date for Jordan, so the thought can not escape me that we would have a one year old right about now. It's hard and I have many thoughts, emotions, and hurt to go along with that. This week I have more time with friends, more canning, more places to go, a house to clean after canning, and bible study. A full week for sure.
I think I just need some time to regroup....what ever that means.
My internet has been down for a week so I am writing this quick at a friends house....
Just to get out a very small bit of what I am feeling.

T is for Tusday

2009-08-18T17:50:00.004-04:00

~Two mile walk
~Toasting in the sun
~Tight achy muscles
~Time with my daughter
~Taking in books
~Toys on the floor
~Talking to friends and family
~Tasty banana muffins
~Trip to the Doctor's office
~Tears in my baby's eyes
~Tiny girl asleep on my couch
~Tuning in to music
~Thinking about making homemade noodles
~Tons of cheese in my calzones
~Thanking my husband for his hard work
~Timing dinner
~Turbulent emotions
~Typing out words
~Twenty sentences in this post

~Till next time

Great Blogs

2009-08-18T00:04:00.002-04:00

I just sent this list to a friend of mine. Just thought I would post it here, so you can have something to do on a rainy day. These are some of my favorite blogs. Many of them are on my blog list, but some are not, and this makes it easy for you.
Have fun!

Godly/Teaching/Encouraging Blogs

http://itinerantidealist.wordpress.com/ (The daughter)
http://wholeheart.typepad.com/itakejoy/ (The mother)

http://www.titus2atthewell.com/

http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/ (This one is great, so much teaching!)

http://www.aholyexperience.com/ (Love this one...you will too!)

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/ (So much to drink from ;)

Fun/Creative Blogs:

http://soulemama.typepad.com/soulemama/

http://twentytwowords.com/ (In this blog, his posts are only 22 words a day. I couldn't do it. I'm to obsessed with what I say)

http://abowlofmossandpebbles.com/
http://www.simplyvintagegirl.com/blog/ (These last two; they are sisters and both have some Godly teaching and a lot of creativeness)

http://tollipop.typepad.com/tollipop/ (Another one of my favorites)

http://jumpintothewildblue.blogspot.com/ (This is all poems, by the author of like a warm cup of coffee...)

Don't Come To Me

2009-08-17T00:09:00.002-04:00

Don't come to me,
if you are trying to get pregnant

If you are being two faced,
And cannot listen to what your doctor says.

Don't come to me, if you wear whitey tightys
And still expect them to swim.

Don't come to me, if you smoke all day, every day,
and then cry about how hard it has been

Don't come to me, if you drink every night,
And still expect to see your wife with child.

Don't come to me, if you don't eat enough
because you are trying to watch your figure,
but whine about how you never see two lines.

Don't come to me, if you have to medicate
every little problem in your life,
and yet expect it to be ok for your child's growth

Don't come to me, if you take a vitamin for every thing possible
No, you do not need those prostate pills,
you are a woman for crying out loud!

Don't come to me, and expect me to hold you
listen to you, cry with you, and feel sorry for you
if you are causing your own problems.

Don't come to me, and tell me that you have no money for treatments
then spend thousands of dollars on a new "toy".

Don't come to me, and say I don't understand!!!!

If you listen to your doctor, come to me.

If you have done all you can, then come to me.

If you have no where else to go, then come to me.

If you are hurting, the kind of hurt that makes you do each and every last thing that you can do, then come to me.

I will listen, I will hold you, I will cry, and I will understand. Only if you really want something will you then go through anything, give up anything, become anything to reach it. That is when you can come to me.

Just don't hurt me.

Top 10 Reasons to do Your Canning in the Middle of the Night

2009-07-31T01:03:00.003-04:00

Top 10 reasons to do your canning in the middle of the night:

10) You get time to yourself.

9) No kids under your feet.

8) It's not as hot at night.

7) No one around to complain about being forced to help.

6) Sometimes it goes faster.

5) You can listen to what ever you want and no one changes it.

4) You can eat whatever you want and no one sees it.

3) You can be creeped out by the "garden bugs" that came in with your produce and no one is around to laugh at you.

2) You can sleep in the next morning because all your canning is done.

1) You are usually awake anyways.

Dizzy with Randomness

2009-07-29T15:23:00.003-04:00

Well, I do question if anyone actually reads this, and what their thoughts may be. Oh well, I may never know. I am feeling a bit random, so be warned ;)

My dear friend had her baby this week. He is the sweetest little boy I have ever seen, and I have a slight fear of getting to attached to this little gift she is oh so willing to let me hold. I love him already!

My life is busy and crazy.....or is it just in my head? I am trying to slow down, and say No to more things, but so far I haven't been to successful. We have finished our study on Ester, and I was so sad to see it go. I have not been nearly as faithful about getting into God's word since then, although I am better than I was before so I guess I have at least improved. I learned so much during that time, and am still taking some of it in. There was one exercise she had us do that I thought I would post here.
Read Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 She then had some of it written out and we were to fill in the words missing based on our own experience. Mine looked like this. The words I filled in are in italics

I will exalt You, O Lord for you
comforted me when I was down
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You
restored me
O Lord, You brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from
myself
Your turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth
and clothed me with
Your calmness
that my heart may sing
to you and not be silent
O Lord my God,
I will give you praise forever

Try it see what you come up with, it is very refreshing.

A few of the things I have been doing are: cleaning, cooking yummy things like Toffee Bars, and Fruit Tarts, fresh green beans, and chicken pot pie. I have also been looking at school stuff for my almost pre schooler. We are planning on homeschooling, and I need to get a move on it. Painting, journaling, watching movies with my family, reading....only a little. Life is always busy.

Last Fri night I went with a friend to the Morris Civic Theater. We saw Mama Mia. The Broadway performers were wonderful. Local groups are fun, but Broadway is best! I'm telling you it was so much better live! From there we walked down to the local "Pub" an Irish place called Fiddler's Hearth. It was amazing, I loved it. The performers were there, and signed our programs, and waved to us as they left! It was a place where you have to be friends, there are only long tables and you just sit down with other people. I had a German beer that I can't even pronounce the name of, and fish and chips served in newspaper. Just like Ireland. I got home about 2 am.

Well, I could go on but I'm sure I have made you dizzy with my randomness, so farewell for now.

Opportunities

2009-07-16T21:56:00.002-04:00

When God tells you to do something He gives you opportunity to do it.

First, He gives you opportunities to learn how to do it. Then He gives you more opportunities so you can get in the habit of doing it. Then He gives you more so you can grow while doing it.....finally, He gives you opportunities so you will keep doing it. Sometimes, these opportunities come because He loves it when you do what He asks. Sometimes, out of need for you or someone else, and sometimes, well, there are so many reasons God could have, and while I don't know all of them I do know that God tells us to do things, and it all comes together for His purpose.

God has told me to pray. I thought that meant pray for the problem in my life. One thing in particular. So I started praying. Praying like I have never prayed before. God blessed that time with Him, and although I haven't seen that situation change much, I am glad for what it has done to my prayer life.

What I was not expecting was when God decided it was time to expand my prayer life. Don't you love how He does that? Today, I received three calls, all giving me something to pray about. I was able to talk to each person, and even meet with one of them. More than anything though I have felt that little nudge all day to be at Abba's feet, interceding for these precious people. I have been pushed more by God today than I have in a really long time. He presented me with opportunities that have made me grow, and given me a chance to keep praying. I am thankful that God works this way. This is so much different than I would have once responded. God's work goes on all around us, and in us. Isn't it amazing to step back and see what He has done?

Prayer

2009-07-08T10:40:00.002-04:00

Alright, well I said I was going to post about prayer, so here it is.

I have never been one who is very good at praying. For a portion of my childhood we were taught to pray before meals, before bed, and when someone is sick. My dad almost always used the same memorized prayers, that I could probably quote to you this day. My mother, who we heard a little less often, prayed from her heart what ever words came out.
I do have very fond memories of a prayer group that my mother went to for years. A group of women from our church met at one woman's home every Tuesday. They spent most of the time in prayer, and although I was required to stay in the playroom with the other children, I didn't always. I would go out and sit and listen to them pray, and there was something so honest and pure about it. I have often thought in my adult life, if I could just be like that...if I could just be like them.

As an adult I have not had a very easy life, and there have been times that I wanted nothing to do with God, and times that I could go no other place but at His feet. Prayer has been a back and forth kind of thing for me. I know it is wrong, but have not known how to stay on track.
Recently, God has again been working hard in my life, and there have been some very worrisome, and painful situations. Just a few short weeks ago I was asking God, "What do I do? How do I fix this? Show me how to make this better."

Well, God just keep pressing on my heart to pray. While I was a the library I was drawn to the books on prayer. While I was working on my daily to do list, I felt pressed to pray. Everywhere and everything felt like a reminder to me to pray. So I did. I prayed to God and told him, "I don't know how to pray. It feels weird to me. I don't know what to do." So I sat down with one of the books on prayer, and started reading. I read about all the different things I could pray about. I grabbed one of my many journals and wrote to God about the first thing on their list. Writing. That I can do. That is a form of prayer. I have done it almost every day since.

I picked up one of the other prayer books, and the first thing it talked about was a man. This man showed his lover so much affection, so much love. He gave her flowers, and poems, letters, good foods, songs, and conversation. She in return talked to him, occationally. The writer then went on to say that this is a representation of how we are with God. He gives us all that He is, and sometimes we talk to Him. It made me so sad, because it is so true. I am trying to show God my love for him in the things I create, in the way I go about my day.

What I am trying to do is change my whole way of thinking. It is hard. It is also very rewarding. I am enjoying the timeI spend writing my prayers to God, creating things, and the new mindset that I am working on. It has even helped me just talk to God. Now I am able to talk to God while I am going about my day. It is not always easy, but it has vastly improved over the last few weeks. I still don't want to pray aloud with others, but I'm sure that will come too.

Of course, God is giving me plenty to pray about. That is one thing I wish would not happen. When God calls you to pray, there will be things that rise up to pray about, and my trust issues don't like that so much.
Yet, one more thought I have is doesn't trusting God, and praying go hand in hand? I guess that is also something he is working on. Trusting him. I think praying is a good start.

Missing

2009-07-05T22:39:00.002-04:00

Our town has a mini festival every month. It is called first Fridays, because the first Friday of every month the town comes to life. Vendors come out, live music beckons us, the shops have sales, and the kids run and play. Different events take place every month giving young and old something new to look forward to. If you come, plan on running into people you know, the ones you haven't seen in a really long time. Community fills the streets.
This is what happened to me. I saw people, and enjoyed it. All but one. One tiny little person made my heart break. I ran into a family that we had not seen in a few months. We were at one time close with them, but in the while not so much. The thing is, they have a baby. He was due just two weeks after the baby we lost was due. They would be the same age. It is always bittersweet to see him. I am glad that they have him. I was never one to want others to hurt, but it is always so hard to see him. This time he was so much bigger than I remembered. Still a baby, but not quite as little. He is just at the right size to snuggle with.
I can't believe sometimes how I can be moving in a direction where I think I am healing, and suddenly just lose it all. I stood there next to my friend holding her baby. Stunned into uncomfortable silence, hoping she didn't notice. All I could do for that one moment was stare at him. All I could do was think, this is what my baby would be like now. The size, the way he sat on her hip, the hair coming in, and so many expressions on his face.
Our friends don't argue over who gets to hold the baby, because there is one for each of them to hold.
That horrifying thought in my head, sometimes it just plays over and over. This is what it would be like. This is how my baby would be. Oh my God, this is what we are missing.
God you know best.

Why does the world not stop?

2009-07-04T10:49:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wonder how the world just goes on. I see things in the news, online, and in real life, and I just can't understand how they go unnoticed. Mostly I think about the children in the world that go through so much. The ones with cancer that will never survive. I think how selfish are we that we don't take the time to pray, to encourage, or support them?
You may say, but I don't know anyone in that situation. Well, they are everywhere. I see their blogs daily, parents pleading for prayer for their children. They are in our churches, and around our towns. Do we not notice them because we are to busy or because we have put a wall up in our mind? No one likes to see pain. No one likes to see struggle.

I wonder though, if we were to take the time to notice....to pray, what it would do? A person would be encouraged, lift their spirits! God would hear the pleading for His own. People could come to know Him, and we might be a little less selfish tomorrow. Would that be so bad?
In all the little petty things I do, when do I think of those hurting? I could go all day, arguing, cleaning, reading, playing. Yet, all the while a parent is holding their hurting baby. Why does my day have to go on like nothing is happening to anyone else but me? Why can't I take time everyday for someone else? I'm asking you today, find someone you don't know, someone hurting, and pray for them through out the day. You get nothing in return, and yes it's time out of your day, but when did it become your day? Is it not God's day? Just pray for them.

Challenges

2009-07-02T11:19:00.001-04:00

Time seems to have passed so quickly lately. So much has gone on in my life, and there has hardly been time to process it all. God has been working in my heart so much, and it hurts!
Have you ever had a time like that? Where the work God is doing in your heart brings about so much that you didn't know was even sitting dormant in there? These last two months have been so challenging, and changing.

We have moved from the house shared with another family into a very tiny apartment above a garage. We now share a room with Lily, and the rest of our space is in another room. It is nice to have our own space again, no matter how small, and I am loving the fact that it is right out side of the town we want to live in. It is a short lease so as time passes it is becoming more of a concern that we will have to come up with the money to move again in just a few short months.

My dear friend is about to have a baby, and it has been an emotionally challenging pregnancy all around. For me personally, I am so glad that she has been given such a gift. It is wonderful to see her happy with the thought of meeting her baby boy soon. It is also hard as we have had issues with pregnancy in our own home, but I am so glad I can be with her through this joy. God is teaching me more, and more that it's just not about me. I have few places to turn to with my thoughts about pregnancy but I am being drawn to his feet more every day, and am learning that He is where my heart needs to rest when it is hurting. While I am laying in God's lap, I also can be at a place where I am able to serve my friend, and for that I am so thankful. I am so grateful for the times that I am reminded by God that it's not all about me.

I have been going through a study on Ester, (from Beth Moore) with 2 of my friends. It has been amazing. I love her studies. It is challenging me to think, dig deep, study, pray, question. It is hard, and time consuming, but so worth it. There have been two weeks that stand out to me the most. Fear, and Wait. Fear has taught me that no matter what is going on in my life, God should be at the end of it all. In other words, if the worst thing that could ever happen to me happens, I should still be on my face seeking Him. Wait was a different lesson, but seemed to go right along with what God was teaching me on fear. I learned that waiting was sometimes what God calls us to because others were not ready and, sometimes because we weren't ready. Yet God always renews us when we wait (Is. 41)

Prayer, oh sweet prayer. I don't even know if I can put into words all that God is speaking to me about prayer. I think I must save that for another post, as I am making lunch....but feel free to share with me, what God has been teaching you.

A Wise Man vs. a Fool's Feelings

2009-05-15T22:32:00.004-04:00

A fool vents all his feelings but a wise man holds them back. Proverbs 29:11

Yikes! I am such a fool. So many times I vent!
Yet right now I am looking close at this verse, and it does not say that the wise man holds them in, he just holds them back. I think there is a difference. Holding in feelings can be a very bad thing. I should know, I became very good at holding in feelings. I could even switch off feelings, make it so I really truly could not access how I was feeling. It hurts you, and makes you angry. It defies the Holy Spirit within you. He is peace.

Holding back, now that is also a very tricky thing.
I think that this means #1 Obviously, you don't vent.
#2 You don't hold on to it. Yup, that would be holding it in.
You forgive, you move on, you don't bring it up. If it's a recurring issue deal with it, then let it go. In order to do this, a release of that feeling is in order~aka~ not holding them in.
As Christian's we are called to deal with our feelings in a Christlike manner. Usually praying. Never in sin, such a gossip-venting. Then let it go. Holding back does not mean holding on to our feelings.

So I guess my paraphrase for this verse would be:
A stupid man reacts, vents, gossips, and holds a grudge. A wise man forgives, lets go, and releases hurt. He holds back the sinful reaction, by responding in a Christ like way.

Just one small note yet,
The amplified says it this way:

A self-confident fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it.

I love the words; stills it. It makes me think of being still with God. That's just how it should be, for isn't that where we need in order to be to become this wise man?

Lily asks Why

2009-05-15T22:12:00.003-04:00

Me: Lily you need to listen to me.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I said so

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I'm the mommy.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God gave you to me.

Lily: Why?

Me: Well, we asked for a baby, and God gave us you.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God likes to bless His people.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because it makes Him happy.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because He loves us.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because He does, that's who God is.

Lily: Why?

Me: I don't know WHY. He just does.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God says so.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because He does. Lily please stop asking why.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I need you to.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I'm the mommy.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God ga....No that's enough. Just because!

Lily: Why????

Joys in my week

2009-04-29T16:44:00.003-04:00

Wow, this week is going by so fast. I have had many blessings befall us, and some sadness too.
Friday, I was so blessed. It was a dear friends due date for the baby she had lost, and I wanted to be close to her, as she was for me. As far as I know she wanted me there too. We spent alot of the day planting her garden. Brian and I have not had a garden due to lack of space to call our own. It was such a joy. I loved being out in the sun, walking barefoot in the squishy dirt (yes, and manure), and helping her plant life. It was such a productive, fulfilling thing to do on that day. I also just loved spending the time with her, creating something to nourish her family, and playing with her sweet little boy. Thank you my dear friend for the opportunity to be a part of your life. You will never know how much you mean to me, as words could never express.
Saturday, my husband, a bit begrudgingly got up early to go garage saleing with me. While many of the sales we went to had nothing of interest to us, we did find a few great things. He found a game for his xbox much cheaper than even if he had gotten it used at the store. We bought 3 sit and spins for $6, giving one away and keeping the other two so no fights will occur with friends. The best find for me was an almost new bread maker for $10! We have already used it several times, and it is great. I love and prefer to make our bread by hand, but this will provide a fresh loaf when ever I am to tired or busy to get it made. Now we can have bread all the time, also saving on our grocery budget.
Sunday, we went out with a sweet couple after church, and although I have known them both separately for years, it was a good time to get to know them better. We were very blessed. That night Brian and I also took some good time to talk.
Monday was a bit harder. A friend was hurting, and so was I. It was a great testing time for me, and still continues to be. That night the support group that I co lead for those who have lost babies met, which is to say that the co leader, and I met since no one ever comes to the meetings. We went and got drinks at the coffee house, which is becoming a normal thing for us :) We used the time to share our hearts, and some struggles. A hard but blessed thing.
These last two days have been dreary, full of rain and clouds. We have been more lazy in the day and productive at night. Last night I did 5 loads of laundry and cleaned every room in my house thoroughly except the kitchen.
Tonight a sweet friend is coming over. We are going to scrapbook. Something I have never been fond of, but it sustains her :) So we will see if she can make a scrapbooker out of me! I also have an art project of sorts that I am working on tonight, and will share with you very soon.
Well, something sweet sounds good, so here I bid you a due, to go in my kitchen and whip up something yummy.

So Much Going On

2009-04-23T09:14:00.003-04:00

It has been a long time since I've posted. Part of me is really not sure what to say. It has been a long but very personal month. So much has happened, and it honestly it has left me very overwhelmed.
Lily was sick last week. The kind of sick that really gets you worried. She started out with the flu. It came out of no where, and just didn't let up. With in the first day she had to be taken in for IV fluids. It is a sad, and scary thing to see your baby hooked up to an IV. It continued for days, and the doctor's recommendation was drink. So she drank, and it came right back up. She developed a UTI The doctor said it must have been caused by the catheter at the hospital. So irritating. The problem was she couldn't keep down the meds for it. I felt so helpless. They finally agreed to give her something to stop the puking-after 5 days of it! She is better now. Worn out a bit more during the day, but better.
My husband started a new job last week. Praise God. He is only supposed to be part time, but for now can get extra hours. So by Fri night he will have worked 36 hours. We hope to see the hours continue, but I know that it could change at a moments notice, and am just trying to leave it in God's hands. In the mean time, he works the night shift. Lily is not doing well with this. She has had her Daddy putting her to bed for the last two years. Ever since he stopped working the night shift. So to suddenly not have Him here at bed time has produced a lot of screaming, and crying. I am hoping she adjusts soon.
We are looking for a place to live. This is probably one of the hardest things going on in my life now. I do not want to look, pack, move, and unpack. I am really hating the idea of this. We have called so many places. The problem we have is finding something in our price range that is lead free. So far nothing has come up. I know that I need to be trusting God right now. Trust is something I have always had an issue with. I am doing better though. Trusting would mean relaxing about it, and I am starting to do that. We have 5 weeks yet at the very longest to be out of the place we are living. It feels like moving out came very suddenly for us. Like it was just dropped in our lap. That is hard for me. I try to live a slow simple life....no really I do. So I don't fair well when things are suddenly heaped on me. I just keep reminding my self that God has a plan for everything, and if we haven't found a place to live yet then he must have one for us. I just hope he shows us soon :)
There are still a few other situations in my life that are hard, but I don't want to talk about those just yet. I do want to share with you what God has been teaching me through them though.
Have you ever realized just how selfish we all are? There are so many things that make me want my own way. Times that I put me first. I have been trying to keep God in the center of everything, but so many times I want to put me in the middle of it all. My feelings, and rights, and wants always creep up. God is showing me that the only way my life will work well, is with Him being my focus. I have always been at loss as to how to do that. So I have started getting in the word. I have started spending time with Him. Tuning my heart, and mind to notice God, when I might not have before. It is a working progress.
I have also come to realize that I have a very hard time saying I'm sorry. I have a hard time repenting. I have a hard time confessing, and asking forgiveness. I also have a hard time forgiving. I am still daily in a constant struggle to do this. I know that my heart is hard in this area, God has shown me that. He is slowly chipping away at the hardness. I have also come up with so visual aids (will explain in a later post) to make myself see my sin. If it is in front of me I will have no choice but to deal with it. I can't stand the sight of anything being messy.
My time is another area that God is working on. I spend so much of it running around like a madwoman then being lazy to recuperate from the craziness. It is a poor use of time, and because so many areas in my life are still lacking, it is also a misuse of my time. God has really been speaking to me about slowing down, but not to a lazy point. A lot of the line of thinking I have now started with the Passover (this post is long enough, I will share my thoughts on Passover and how this all started later) We have set guidelines for ourselves to slow down, yet not become lazy. The problem we have had is sticking to them. It is of course something we will have to continue to work at.
I have also set focuses for my day. I am the kind of person that will make a list and try to do everything because I feel I have to do it once it's there. God has really put it on my heart to pick three things a day to focus on, and once those are done then I go to my list. My first "focus" of course is my time with Him. If I don't do anything else that day I need to have my time with God. My second is my family. If I don't get the house clean, I have at least spent time with my family. My third is to create one thing a day. I long to be creative, it a yearning that God puts in each of us. He is the creator, and has created us in His image, therefore we also are to create. It brings us closer to Him. It is also a really good release for emotions. I am also learning to redefine my definition on create. I am creating right now with this post. I create when I cook, when I rearrange my living room, there are so many ways to create. It is not about doing something fancy, it is about the attitude you have! Of course none of these things take all day, so I still get other things done. This is just my basis for the day. The foundation that I lay my day upon.
Well, I think this post is by far long enough. :) There are still so many things in my heart to share, mostly it is a matter of sorting them out first. I will try to be back soon. Now I am going to go create some baked oatmeal for my family.

Colorado

2009-03-21T08:05:00.002-04:00

I am in Colorado! Arvada/Denver at the YWAM base. What a trip it has been.....A friend and I took our almost two and almost three year old and set out on an adventure. We left Tuesday morning and came upon our first adventure with in hours. We were coming up to Chicago and missed our exit! I looked, and looked on the map but couldn't find it. So we decided that we were heading in the right direction and would surly pass it. After driving all the way through Chicago, we pulled over because we knew it wasn't right. So as we are sitting on the side of the highway looking at the map a road worker pulls over to help us. As he walks up he says I saw Indiana plates and thought you might need help. So he showed us where we were on the map. Way off course. Then he gave us a new route. The problem was, it turns out that roads we have now did not exist on our 2003 map. We had not seen the exit because it wasn't there in 03. Even the route that the man gave us in part did not exist then. So we got off at the next exit to turn around, but before doing anything else, that old map had a very close encounter with the nearest dumpster. We stopped at the first gas station we saw, and dumped that old map, and got over charged for a new one. The day continued to be off from there. The kids could not stay calm. The friend I was traveling with is pregnant, and was not feeling well. We ended up stopping four hours later than planned. With every one crying. Let me tell you, little kids do not do well away from daddy's the first time. Awake so much during the night. Ex specially that first night.
Wens. travels went much better, the kiddos were good. My friend felt better, and we had a good pace all day. We arrived about 7pm our time 5pm theirs. Seeing old friends and meeting new ones was so nice. Of course hugs all around. We were then taken to the guest house where we were going to stay. What a beautiful condo it is. We each got our own rooms and the kids got theirs too, well sorta. Lily is in the walk in closet in my room, and the other kiddo is in the laundry room. :) We had a night of relaxing.
Thursday was a bit harder. Both of us women were on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Who says only pregnant women are entitled to be emotional, with out being labeled irrational? We went to the store and got food for our kitchen. Spent the afternoon around the condo, walked to a play area for the kids to run off some energy. Then our friend and former pastor's wife came over to hang out. They have been working at the base here on and off for years. What a great time we had. Once we got hungry we headed out to Chick-fil-A, a favorite for all of us. We then went to a huge mall and walked around. It was very cool, they had a giant sand box right in front of the mall for kids. It was like being at the beach. After getting home very late we sat up and talked. Then we decided we wanted chips and chip dip, so my friend jumped in her car to go the the nearby store. When she came home she informed me she had been robbed. Not really but after paying almost 9 dollars for one bag of chips and dip, it sure seemed like it!
Yesterday, I think has been my favorite so far. We went to a morning worship service here on the base. I was all singing, and lead by our former pastor Michael. I so miss him, and his style of worship. It was so refreshing to be there with him again. After worship we went and talked with some of the old staff that my friend knew. It was a nice relaxing morning.
After that we decided that we would take her little car and head up to the mountain peaks. YWAM also has a base up there. So up we went. Very slowly. I was the driver, the roads were very windy, with alot of switchbacks. We made it, but that poor little car was saying "I think I can, I think I can" all the way up. We took in the majestic beauty of the mountains while looking around the base. We ate lunch with them and the kids played. While we were up there it started to snow, but we had heard there was a good coffee place a little ways up the mountain yet. So yes people I am crazy! I drove us up in the snow, up, up , up a curvy road with only a guard rail to keep us from driving off, all for a good cup of coffee. (Insert my husband laughing here, because that is what he did) After all that the place was closed. So we went back down the mountain which was even scarier than going up it. Up meant that I was hugging the side of the mountain, going down meant I was on the edge, sometimes even with out a guard rail. Oh the beauty of it though. Yet there were times when looking over we saw nothing but a drop off, a very deep one at that!
Once we were down we ran to the store again to get stuff to make lazzana. Yesterday was the first day that we didn't eat out, and it was so nice. We came back and made dinner. Not long after a friend came over and we all watched a movie. Put the kids to bed late, and of course us even later. I was the last one to go to bed, as I was on the computer. A blessing for me came out of that too. A friend that I hadn't talked to in years was on facebook and chatted with me. It was so great to have him talk, he has been through so much in the last two years and cut everyone off. I love that I was able to reach out to him last night and that he responded. Thank you God!
What a good day. We have many plans for today, but I will save it for another post as I have keep you and me long enough. If I don't get going soon our day will be behind.

Ear Infections

2009-03-10T10:03:00.002-04:00

Well, it seems that alot of kids are sick lately, and a big problem seems to be the ears.
I have been in contact with an old friend who was about to have tubes put in her son's ears, but the doctor told her that her baby needs to have two more ear infections before doing anything. Of course no one wants their kid to have to get sick more before getting help! I wrote out a few things to naturally help her son stay free of infections. I thought that I would just re post that letter here. Hope it helps someone.
May your family be healthy!

Hi Tasha,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. There are a few things you should try for your little one. First, you should know that one of the biggest causes of ear infections in young children is food allergies. Most likely dairy. Dairy products cause a high production of mucus,(and an overproduction if a child is allergic) which can get trapped in the middle ear, causing ear infections. You might want to try taking him off dairy for a few weeks and see if it makes a difference. Also if you are giving him regular milk from the store, most of the cows that produce this milk have been given antibiotics, so your child may be taking in antibiotics through him milk. While antibiotics can be good, in your milk, not so much. Organic is best.
You should most definitely have him on a really good multi vitamin, and acidophilus. It is good bactira. The way antibiotics work they kill Bactria, but cannot tell which is good and which is bad so they kill both. Acidophilus replenishes the good Bactria that antibiotics kill. It also replenishes what the infection is killing off. You can get chewable at the health food store, or Walgreen has them for about $9. You can also get chewable immune boosters at the health food store, and I even think walmart may have them now. It will just help build up his immune system so he can fight infections.
Sugar of course is a bad thing, every tea spoon of sugar lowers your immune system for 6 hours. Take how many grams of sugar are in a serving and divide by four, that is how many tea spoons you are getting. ( A can of pop averages 40grams of sugar, that's 10 teaspoons!!)
Something else you could use in addition is garlic oil. You can make your own, (cut the top off a head of garlic, cover it with olive oil, and boil for about half and hour) or you can buy garlic gel capsules. You will poke a hole in them with a needle and squeeze the oil right into his ear, and rub it on the glands around his ear. The garlic fights infection.
Holding a very warm wet wash cloth over his ear will help with the pain, and help draw the oil into his ear. You can use this as a pain reliever even if you don't use garlic oil.
I do know that most health food stores sell drops for ear aches, I don't know how well they work though. I have a friend that tried them.
Lastly, I would highly recommend taking him to a chiropractor. You can start a child in chiro. care when they are just a few days old. Everything in your body is connected to your spine, if it is out of place you could be pinching or blocking something. (Most babies vertebra are out of place just from coming through the birth canal) But when your neck is out of place it can stop your ears from draining properly. Find one that can also adjust his ears, to open them up to fully drain. Once you get his ears drained out the infections may stop.
My sister Rachael was supposed to have tubes put in her ears but after having a chiropractor adjust her the infections stopped and it was not a problem again.
Also I do not know if you know but my Lily has had lead poisoning since she was a baby. She also was having alot of ear infections, she has a compromised immune system, colon problems, and more. Since then we have used many of the things I have suggested here. And although she has alot of challenges ahead of her she has improved tremendously. But as for her ear infections, she has only had one in about a year and a half. Which is a vast improvement, as she was having them about every 2 months.
Well I hope this helps.
Let me know if there is anything else you need.
Amber

I Miss.....

2009-02-25T23:52:00.004-05:00

There are so many things I am missing tonight.
A dear friend of my mom's. She is a wonderful, and dare I say, very feisty woman of God through my teen years. I was just gleaning so much wisdom from her, through her blog. It amazes me almost to tears how much I have missed her. It has been about 6 years since I have seen her, and I still miss her so badly some times.
Bible study is also a great "miss" of mine lately. Last year I attended a Beth Moore bible study with a friend. It was such an experience. I love learning. I love being brought to a passionate place with my God. I love being challenged. Bible study does that for me. I also miss the relationships you have in a women's bible study. I miss so much about that time.
I miss debating with my husband. Deep conversations that could go on for hours. After being married for almost six years life can sometimes be more about surviving than living. I miss that time in our relationship that was new and intellectual not just every day normal.
I miss being creative. I could be still, I know that. You just stop though. After a while my life just became to busy. My focus became more about taking care of people than about nurturing the writer/chef/craftswomen/fashion artist/ect... in me. I miss that.
I miss working out. Oh yes, you heard me right. I am a fat woman that loved to work out. I miss the feel of muscles stretching. I miss the thrill of my heart pounding in my chest, and every part of me-even the ones I didn't know I had- being sore the next day. I miss that! (Don't tell me to get up and do it-that doesn't seem to work.)
I miss living a slow simple life. Not being busy all the time. Not going constantly. I miss having my day free. Free of appointments, and things that need to be done, and thoughts that won't stop racing in my mind. Free of my long list of things to do. I know that you all feel what I'm talking about here.
There are so many things that I miss in my life. Yet, I am blessed. For all the things I miss there is something I can be grateful for. That doesn't change the fact that I want the things I miss. It just means I have other things to be joyful about. It means that when I say I miss my baby in heaven, I can still be joyful for my Lily on earth. It doesn't change how I feel about one, it just increases the joy I have for the other thing in my life. It's not always easy to remember to be joyful when you are missing something you have lost. It is growth.
Well, it's late, and I'm not sure this made sense to anyone, but thanks for listening.

A Good Day

2009-02-18T13:55:00.006-05:00

Today had been productive and fun! While getting ready to make breakfast my little girl came in and asked "can-cakes?" Her way of saying pancakes, which is one of her favorite foods. So after I told her yes we can make can-cakes :) She said to me "counter". Which is her way of asking to sit on the counter. So I pulled her up, and handed her the whisk. I put the ingredients in the bowl, and she started to stir. This is the way pancakes get made at my house. I measure, and she stirs. So while they were on the griddle we set the table, getting out the apple sauce and syrup. My husband came in and joined us for breakfast, where Lily stopped us from eating twice to pray.
Shortly after there was a lovely battle of wills about taking vitamins. Something that we do daily, she doesn't get a choice. After Brian left, I got Lily dressed, and put her hair up in a bun. She looked so sweet. Just like a ballerina. She then "talked" with me, and brushed my hair.
We mixed up molasses cookies, that are now in the fridge waiting for me to bake them. She also took the bucket of flour being out to mean that it was play time. So after dumping a substantial amount onto the worst carpet to clean. She took off all her clothes and jumped in it!
We decided that maybe it was time to do a little more work on her potty training, so after getting her clothes and panties we set off to do dishes. I looked over to see that she had taken the bottom rack out of the dishwasher and was pushing it around the house like a car. With canning jars still in it! So after putting it back I found out she had also hid my silverware basket, which took about 1/2 an hour to find. It was under my bed.
By the time the dishes were done it was time for lunch. As I was pealing her orange she stood next to me. Then she suddenly looked up and very matter-a-factly stated "I peed." Sure enough she stood in a puddle. So we changed her. Then she took her orange to sit in a box with cups and her baby doll, who I later discovered Lily had been trying to feed her oranges to. Sticky baby doll!
Well, now she is napping. I have laid down to read, but am now up. I am off to clean house, make cookies, lazzana, bread sticks, and shower. Company tonight, and hopefully a little more time to myself yet today.
This has been a good day. Any day when Lily is not sick, and is acting like a kid is a good day.

Hey There,

2009-02-16T17:39:00.004-05:00

Hey there, it's been a while. I have been so busy, but since I'm back I thought I would give my blog a little make over.
I tried changing my background yesterday, and found out this morning that it wasn't working. So I have spent the last hour or so trying to fix it, and I think I've finally got it. Now I just need to keep up the posting. What discipline it takes. Although I guess most things in our lives do.
We have been on the run for almost a week strait now. Before that there was a lot of sickness in our home. I am so ready for things to just slow down!
I was once very much into living a simple life, at home. Now I seem to be living an insanely busy one everywhere else. This is going to change! I am not giving myself a choice :O (Now we will have to see if I can stick with that)
There has been so much going on in my life, physically, with getting sick. Spiritually, oh boy that is a whole post to itself. Even my marriage and life as a mother seem to have changed so much in the last few months.
I have also started a group with my dear friend for mothers who have lost babies through miscarriage and still birth. Although not much has happened with it yet, just the planning to get it off the ground was much more on me emotionally than I thought it would be.
Again I need to run, I have a list to get done. Hopefully having my home in order will give me more time to simply be, but it takes work to get it that way. So soon I will return, until then, pray, live, and love.......
Amber

Moderation and Motivation

2009-01-16T14:27:00.003-05:00

I think just about everyone out there can agree, it is cold out. This morning it was -19 with a wind chill of -40! I keep looking out my window thinking, but the snow is so beautiful! How can something with so much beauty be so harmful? So breathtaking, and yet so harsh at the same time.
I know this is the way life is. There are always things that will take our breath away in it's beauty, but can be so detrimental. This is sin. There are so many things in the world that are simple, yet tempting. I find my self thinking more and more about all the things I am doing wrong. All the things I want to change in my life. Oh, but the wonder of relaxing! That is where my biggest downfall lies. I love to relax. To take things slowly. This is not a bad thing mind you. It can be very beneficial. Until I decide to go online instead of exercise, to nap instead of clean my house, to watch tv instead of teach my daughter. Even things like eating out, reading, talking endlessly, all of these things can be bad if not done in moderation.
I am still learning the word moderation. To stop resting when I should be doing something, but to know when I need rest. (When there are things to be done but I am in NEED of rest is not the same as just resting because you don't want to get up, and get things done) Another area where I fall is food. I love food. I love making food, trying new food, even just the smells are amazing to me. Yet, I don't always remember moderation. Which can be a bit of a problem when you are always hungry, such as I am. Moderation in my activities is often a down fall too. It is balance that I crave, and strive towards, sometimes.
Yet another word God is teaching me is motivation. I think this goes along with wanting to relax too much. I am just not motivated enough to get up, and do the things I know I ought to do. I know in my head when I am being lazy, the problem I have is putting some action behind it! Even my spiritual life is in great need of motivation. So many times there are things I would rather do, or feel I need to do than speed time in God's word, praying, or just listening to him.
As I said, these are things God has been teaching me, well speaking to my heart/head may be a better way of putting it. So I am very much a working progress, and will continue to be the rest of my life.
For me it hasn't so much been the things I read, hear, or learn that are leading me to moderation, and motivation. It is purely a nudge from God. The conviction I get, (or sore bones:D) from doing one thing to long, when I know God has more for me. I know this is something he will continue to teaching me about for a long time.
I just want to ask you, where are you at in your daily life concerning moderation, and being motivated? Are you enjoying so much of a good thing that it becomes bad? Are you keeping your heart moving both in life and spiritually? How do these word affect you, where you are right now?

Blessings and Challenges

2009-01-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a week! There are so many ways to describe this week, so much happened. I don't even know where to start. Well, here is my attempt. ;)
On Tuesday my friends and I went shopping. We bought 250 lbs of flour among many other things. That was the beginning to a very long week of service. At 8pm that night we started making the sponge for 250 bread bowls. Why so many??
Our church has a team in Sudan, Africa. They serve by building, and working in medical clinics, reaching out to hurting people, and just loving on them. I love Africa. I have never been there, but there is a bit of my heart that has always been softened for them. Every year or two our church sends a team of people for a few weeks to go help the team living there. It is very costly to go, but it is a calling, so we go. It is as simple as that. Almost. There is still the hard part; raising the money to go. Here is where the 250 bread bowls came in. We were a part of a fundraiser to send our team. Our church held a soup and sweets benefit. Two kinds of soup, served in a homemade bread bowl, and so many yummy deserts. Such a good night, and very filling.
So that brings you up to date about the why. Here is the week.....
We started making the bread at 8 pm Tus. There were 3 of us doing the main work and a few other girls that came some for hours, some for the entire night to help us. We worked around the clock, no stopping. Although we did rotate from time to time to get some sleep. The last bowls were pulled out of the oven at 5:30 am Fri. morning. 58 hours after the first sponge was started! Of course there was also clean up, the shopping, and prep time. Not to mention the benefit its self, which some of us worked at until it was over. So in the end we are figuring apox. 70-75 hours from Tus through Fri. What a week! I personally got about 5 hours of sleep in that time. Crazy!!!
There were many ups and downs during that time. Physically and Emotionally. In the chaos of it all my two year old was very sick, and by my side as much as she could be. Those of us married basically neglected our husbands, who were so great about helping us all they could. Even to the point of learning how to make the bread. That's right people, my husband who is very well known for not cooking learned how to make bread. He then took over the entire operation for two hours by himself and sent us main girls out to lunch with our date money. All because he could see the stress mounting to great proportions. We were all so blessed by my husband. I am so lucky :) Thank you honey!
There were so many hours of uncontrollable laughing, and probably just as much crying. It was not easy, but the time spent together was well worth it. The people that will be helped makes it well worth it. So many things make me glad that I've done it. Although my body is still catching up with me :p
We all spent New Year's night together. We talked about our last year and the coming year. Most of you that know me already know that I did not have a very good year, and I am hoping for many changes this year. I spent some time with my two closest friends that night. I shared with them a box of things I have from my baby Jordan. We cried so hard. Yet, I was very blessed to be able to share that with them, to talk, and cry, and be loved by my dear ones through that pain. I can not express in words how grateful I am for that time with them. Bringing in the new year with out my baby was something I worried about. God sent them I know. He had them there at just the right time. Thank you girls. I love you.
There was a lot of sharing this week, a lot of encouragement, and godly advice. I wanted to post it all, but really for now I feel like just storing it all up in my heart.
There were also a lot of challenges. We were very tired, and not always nice to be around. We ran out of stuff, and were worried about time. There was also a person that God was definitely using to test us. I got angry more than once. It was a hard week and we made it through, but there was so much going on in my house, and my heart, and my mind. It was emotionally straining.
I have learned much, I have felt much, I have loved much, and I have grown much. Again though I don't know what to say. I don't know how to express all God has done this week. Maybe soon.
So I will move ahead. The benefit went well. I believe somewhere around 1600$ was raised. We ran out of soup, although we had about 80 bread bowls left, and the deserts were sssoooooooo good. It was a night of fun, and exhaustion. We really could have used so many more volunteers, but it was great to have the ones we did! I stayed until most of the clean up was done.
Afterward the sweet girl that put the whole thing together sat down with me, and we started talking, and talking, and talking. We then decided to take our conversation out for coffee, so off we went. I didn't get home until 3 am. Oh, but I was so blessed. We had so many life giving, encouraging, teaching talks in those hours. We got to know each other. No matter how tired I was, I would not have traded sleep for that time. I so love this girl, and will say again, I was so blessed. I would love to share with you some of the wonderful things I am thinking on from this time, but for now, it will wait.
Of course Sat I slept. My husband wouldn't let me do anything else. Now with some sleep, and of course coffee, I am starting to feel half way human again.
One major thing I will share with you is something God told me this morning. I was sitting during worship this morning,(God understood that my body was to weak to stand) as I started singing. From somewhere deep down in my heart I was so focused on honoring God when I had this thought pop into my head. God I haven't done anything for you this week. I haven't read your word, I haven't spent time with you. I haven't done anything to really teach my daughter about you. I haven't worshiped you. I have been so horrible. Then very clearly I felt God say to me: You honored me with your life, you worshiped me with your service, you taught your daughter by being an example for her. God told me that making bread bowls honored Him. That my service was living my life in a godly way. Now I am not telling you this to boast. Please know that. I am telling you because it was so humbling you guys. I have never felt so loved by the Father than this morning. I have never been so encouraged about how I live than I was at the moment. It was such honey on my spirit. I was so close to crying, and still am as I write this. God is so amazing, in the mist of my tiredness, stress, and other things that infuriated me this week, God has blessed me in my heart so much. I hope that makes sense.
This was my week. There is so much more in my heart. I was planning on posting it all. This was not the way I was thinking about this post, but now that I have written I feel this is the way it should be for now. I will store up the treasures from this week. I will let them seep in my spirit, and soon I will be back to share them with you. Maybe one at a time, maybe all at once, I don't know. We will just have to see what God leads. Until then I will be praying blessings for all of you.

Pray

2008-12-19T10:16:00.002-05:00

I can't stop thinking about my husbands family. In less than two hours they will be burying their tiny daughter. I think about how the hours leading up to that must be some of the hardest hours in their lives. How lost, and maybe even numb they must feel. From what we know, they do not have God in their lives.
I don't know what I would do with out God.
How do you come to terms with what has happened without a savior? Where is comfort with out Abba Father to cry to?
Please pray for them with me. This is such a huge thing, and they are hurting so much. Spend time with God today. Renew your relationship with the creator and healer, as you bring them before His throne.
Also, please be reminded how much a blessing your little ones are today. In a moment they could be gone. Take time to love on them.

Only God

2008-12-18T21:42:00.000-05:00

How do you have joy in the mist of sadness? I am still learning that. I am still trying to figure out how to rely on God in my pain. He brings me closer to Him, but there are times that I forget to lean in, to lay my head in his lap.
Today we went to a viewing for a 7 month old baby girl. It was heartbreaking. I kept watching the mother wander around. She looked so lost, and far away. I kept crying out to God for her, there was nothing else I could do.
The casket was open. What a beautiful little girl she was. So tiny, so still. It felt so wrong just looking at her. My heart longed to pick her up, and hold her because that is what is right. Babies aren't supposed to be laying in stillness, they are to be held, played with, and loved to bits.
God knows my heart, even when I don't understand His. He can comfort.
Later in the night I was honest with a friend. So honest, I think I disappointed her. I am not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to be ok.
Tonight, my heart is calling for a soothing peace that only God can give.

Learning from Mommy

2008-12-11T00:18:00.000-05:00

Today was busy and mostly carefree. I played with Lily, her laugh makes my heart soar. She is growing up so fast. As I was making dinner she wanted to help, so we pulled a chair up to the counter. I sprinkled some flour, and handed her a small cut off of the dough I was working with. She was so cute turning it over in her hands, sprinkling it with flour, and turning it over again. Every time she put flour on the dough she said she was adding ketchup, but that's alright. I saw my daughter tonight as she was taking on her natural role. She was learning and loving it. I was loving it. I got the opportunity to spend time with her while showing her life in the home. She may one day chose to be out side of her home, and that's ok, but seeing the beauty of a little girl choosing to work beside her mother in the home was a heartwarming thing. Not to mention the pure sweetness of that little girl only being two years old.

We made bread bowls and a thick potato bacon soup to fill them for dinner. Tomorrow will be a busy but fun day. Two of "my girls", sweet friends of mine are coming over. We are having a baking day. I am in charge of the making of 250 bread bowls for a fund raiser and we want to try different recipes. We will also be making and frosting christmas cookies, with our little ones. What a day to look forward to!

Random Thoughts on Children Here and Above

2008-12-10T03:10:00.003-05:00

It is after 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm not sure if this has any thing to do with the pepsi my husband gave me at 10pm or if my lack of sleep comes from not being able to stop my thoughts tonight. I have so many thoughts racing in my head that I'm not even sure I will be able to capture them, but I am going to try and do so here.
It has been 11 months since my miscarriage. We are coming up on that one year mark and it is looming before me in some not so quiet ways. I am forever reminded of what we have lost. Not that I would ever forget, of course, but there are things and events that make it even more apparent that our Jordan is gone. I thought that we would have a 3 month old baby to show off at holiday dinners. We have been trying to get a family photo done for a while but it feels so wrong only three of us will be there. Our church has always been over run with pregnancy and newborns, now is not any different, and certainly not any easier. Then there is our crib that we have brought back in our home to keep Lily in her room, but seeing it, thinking about Jordan....We have given away most of the baby items.
I'm sure you understand that I miss my baby, I don't need to tell you any more. Moving on. Like I said, many thoughts in my head.
I have a dear friend that is on my mind tonight. She too has survived the loss of a baby. I say survived because losing a baby is not something you ever get over, you just learn how to live again. My dear friend is now pregnant again. The baby is doing well, while making her very sick. It is so bitter sweet for me. Although I have fears for her (God take them again, I think I keep picking them back up) I am also so happy for her, and her family. I feel like this baby is God's grace redeeming her womb. There is beauty coming out of the pain.
Mom you are in my thoughts too. My sweet mother has many children waiting for her hugs in heaven. What a glorious day it will be to hold our precious little ones.
Right now though, I am also thinking of the little ones we can hold. Our babies that God let us keep. That is what I tell Lily: you are my one and only baby that God let me keep. She just smiles and nods. So sweet.
She is getting older and acts it. It is amazing and scary, and a little sad to watch.
Today I was reading a woman's blog and was struck by her words: The worst thing that could ever happen is to have one of my children reject God. I got to thinking about that. Death could happen, but if it is with God there is still hope. To be with out God is to live in death with no hope. The thought of my child going through that distresses me to no end. Then came more thoughts and with it a little poking from the holy spirit. My purpose as a mother is to live my life as an example to my child that will lead her strait to the Father. Have I done that so far as a mother? Of course not. I could say that no one is perfect, but I know the truth is most of the time I fail because of my own selfishness. I watch tv, or read, or sit around idle. I put others needs before those of my child. I could go on, but again, you understand.
So where have my thoughts lead me? To this: our children will see Christ mainly through us. What are we showing them? What are we teaching them? What needs to change?
A note on this last question; there are things in our lives that we can change, and things in our lives that only God can change. Be very careful to separate the two.
Our children, and even our husbands will be spiritually impacted by the way we live our lives. In what way are we impacting them? Wow, what a question! I could keep going on this, but I feel no need to. Conviction and prodding are already at work here.
I am trying to keep my random thoughts to a minimum. I hope I'm not jumping around to much for you. I am also trying to keep this post honest, but not despairing, but really I think I'm just being who I am.
So two things before I sign off, please pray for us as we are without a baby either in our arms or in my belly this holiday and it has taken it's toll on our emotions, and hope.
On a lighter note, Lily has learned the song "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" Which is to say she knows only that particular line of the song. It is very amusing though to hear her sing it over and over again, as loudly and off key as possible. All the way to town and back.

Red Roses

2008-10-26T01:37:00.001-04:00

My husband brought me flowers this morning. Three beautiful red roses with baby's breath. He said he was looking for something, then headed outside, and took the car. When he came back he was carrying the flowers in the door.
I can count, possibly on one hand, the number of times he has gotten me flowers. It is always sweet, and loved when he does this. To think, we've been together about six and a half years, and he still likes to do little things for me. I makes my heart beat for him.
When I asked him why he decided to do this for me he said; I know you had a hard day yesterday, and I wanted to make you feel better.
Thank you my love for caring, and trying to make me better. I love you.

Words

2008-10-23T20:45:00.001-04:00

So many words float through my head in a day's time.
Tired, stressed, worried, worn out, selfish, angry, distressed, alone, broken.
Quiet, peace, rest, hope, strength, simple, fresh, life, natural, redeemed.
For all the words that float in my head, some of these words seem to sink in my daily life. The words that I want to represent me seem to always sink to the bottom, while the ones I really don't want present in my life always seem to be floating right at the surface.
I am a selfish person, especially of late. I want things to be done my way, in my time. Heck, I want MY time. I am angry, and hurting. I don't understand all the things that happen. I want some things to be different, and get angry when I can't have it my way (again with the selfishness). I am tired, worn, and worried. So much has happened in my life, I just want a break.
I am alone, and broken. Oh there are people around me, all the time in fact. Yet I feel alone. I feel my pain is just....., that there is no one else to hold me up when I can't anymore. I like being alone, but this is a different kind of alone. Isolated. Sad. My brokenness sometimes consumes me. I feel like I have emotion in a cracked glass, leaking through. Sometimes I just wait for the pressure to shattered me completely.
I feel no peace.I long for peace. I live in a world where everything is busy, and stressful. I wish for quietness. I thrive in the quiet. The banging in my life seems to be getting louder and louder. I don't know what to do anymore. I am pleading, and crying out. In the end all I feel is more worn out than before.

Tonight I spent some time looking at some of these words. I used two sources: the Webster's dictionary, and God's words.
Brokenness in this sense is defined as: made weak, infirm.
I also found another definition: not complete or full. This idea of brokenness seems good to me, because if I am not complete that leaves room for God to really work on me. To make me full.
Peace according to Webster is a state of tranquility or quiet. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. To use interjectionally to ask for silence or calm.
Rest is a peace of mind or spirit.
Redeemed means: to by back, to free from what distresses or harms, and to change for the better.
Thank you God for all these great words that you can bring to my life! All of these meanings speak to my spirit, they nourish my soul. I am in waiting for God to bring these things into my life. For I know my God can do anything.

His words say this:
John 14:25-27
These things I have spoken to you while being present with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.

He gives peace. It's not of this world, but of the spiritual world. His Holy Spirit was sent to teach and in that bring us peace. He tells me not to be troubled or afraid. Again He says:

Isaiah 41:9-10,13
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, You are My servant. I have chosen you, and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you Fear not, I will help you.

Wow, God holds my hand. He upholds me with His hand. He will strengthen me, help me. He has chosen me, called me. Most importantly, He is with me. He tells me not to have fear. He tells me to not be dismayed.
There are so many words in my life. I want His words, His peace. His life flowing though mine. Upholding me.
This is the kind of peace I hope for in my life. God bring it about in fullness.

One more verse, one of my favorites, is Isaiah 61:3. I could talk so much on this one verse, but for tonight, I will just show it to you. Tell me what you think, and I will soon tell you my thoughts.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Enduring Hope

2008-10-16T19:55:00.000-04:00

Our Hope Endures
Natalie Grant
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness, but she marches on?
Oh, cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

I added music to my blog last night, and this is one song that I really wanted and couldn't find. I feel like she is talking about me, although I can't say that my hope is always that strong. There are days when I wonder haven't we had enough. That my body just wants to give out, and I just want a break. For the sun to shine for a while instead of hiding it's warmth.
I am thankful though that I know even when I don't feel hopeful, God's hope is enough. Knowing that He is in control, and will at very minimum be beside us should be enough to sustain me. So many days I fail to remember that. So many days God uses little things to remind me that Hope~in Him~is enough to make the earth quake.