Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sick, Sad, and Guilty

My daughter is sick again, and I am having a really hard time with it.

I was just saying/thinking last week that I needed to start taking precautions as winter approaches to keep her healthy this year. Last winter she was very sick with back to back illnesses for several months. I really want to avoid that this year.
So last night she suddenly spiked a fever and started crying about a sore throat. I continued to watch her fever and before bed it hit 103.7.....except that several hours later I realized that I forgot to add a degree (I take her temp under her arm) and it smacked me between the eyes that she had really been running a 104.7 temperature. She had hit the danger zone, and I didn't even realize it. Boy did I feel like crap. Here I am, the mother of a child who is sick often, and I let something like that slip my mind! Talk about feeling like a failure.

We were up off and on through out the night. Fever, throwing up, drinks for the sore throat, and just feeling the yuckyness of being sick. All night long she kept telling me "I not sick" over and over again. She wanted so badly to not be sick again that she just kept denying it. My heart broke every time she cried that. By morning she was asking to see her Doctor. I called and talked to him....strep throat. Penicillin.

You see we had family dinners this week to celebrate Thanksgiving, and I later found out that several people had been sick or brought their sick children. There was both flu and strep present that day! Sick children played with my child, sick adults held her. I am not responding to this news very well. I want to scream, cry, and give a piece of my mind to these people! Why, why would you go to a big gathering with sick children?? Why are you not responsible enough to not expose other people? Do I have to keep my child shut in because others do not consider the effects going out sick might have? I just stated not long ago that I do not want to be a shut in this year! Happy Thanksgiving to you, I do not thank you for giving this time!

I am scared that I will not be able to keep her healthy again this winter. No mama likes to see her baby sick. I am scared that her immune system will get worse, and cause more health issues, development issues, lead issues. I am scared she will never be healthy. I am scared that she will not have the quality of life that other kids do.

I am also feeling very guilty. I was supposed to help a friend move today, and I am not there. I know that there are other very capable people that will get the job done, but I feel guilty that I am not there to help them. I feel a responsibility to be there, and am beating myself up for not. I just keep thinking that I am always there when needed, so I feel bad that this time I didn't show up. Some of the people helping are already getting sick, and it's raining. I don't think I will be able to stop myself from feeling some blame if they end up really sick. I know my daughter needs me, and I need to stay healthy, but my husband is home. I could go. I could help. I should rest. I should listen to my husband. I should be able to be everywhere at once to take care of every one...oh wait...is that right?? :)

Well, I am off to take care of my girl, and my self. Trying to find some peace and relaxation in this day. Thanks for listening (reading).

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Heart Aches and Random Writings

My heart has been stumbling for weeks through a valley. The dark kind, full of self hate talk, rejection, hurt, worthlessness, torment, anger, and emotion. Most of these things directed at myself.
I know of others who have, and are still struggling with some of the same things.
I have been hurt, and hurt others, and this all leads to a very ungodly heart attitude. Sorrow has been living in my heart. My husband told me tonight that I need to take out all the trash in my life. He told me by that he means all the situations that cling to me and pull me down.

I had this dialog with my self a week ago:

Where do broken hearts go to heal?
"God"

How does He heal them?
"With His love"

How does He show His love?
"Through His word~The beauty He creates~The blessings He gives~Time with Him"

How do I receive His love?
"Come to Him~Be still in Him~Breath Him in"

This is so hard to do. To remember, and to live it out on a daily basis seems impossible. Oh Lord, help me.

I read this the other day: When you believe in God your life is a psalm. It will record your downbeats of doubt as you cry out to God with your troubles, and it will chronicle your chords of exultation as he helps you and gives you the desires of your heart.
The theme of your life will be God's faithfulness to you. for when all your days have been documented you will undoubtedly report that He never fails you.

This spoke to me because so many times I run to the psalms when my heart is broken. It is a true book of open emotion that leaves me feeling a little less alone. To think of my life as a psalm, as a work of art, open emotion, well that is something sweet for my soul.

There are so many of the Psalms that I love. I read them over and over again. When I need comfort I come to Psalms 34, and62 and 63. Also Isaiah 43: 1-3a, Jeremiah 17: 7-10
Then there is Philippians 1:6 This verse came to mind for a dear friend yesterday, and I could not remember where to find it. This is for you sweet woman of God.
Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
I encourage all of you to read these scriptures today. Meditate on them, then be still and listen to God. Wait on Him to speak to you....He will.

Here is one more piece of writing then I'm back to bed (I got up to write out of fear that I would not remember any of it in the morning)

I am so tired.
In the dark nights I wait.
The sound of your voice is no longer apparent to me.
I close my eyes and whisper into the night.
I wait....
and again no response.
Are you there God?
Do you hear me?

Ah yes, there you are.
In the sound of the rain.
In my baby's repetitive breath.
In the beauty of the stillness all around me.

I feel you in the calm that you have brought to my spirit.
And in the joy you bring to my soul.

Talking Scripture

I have spent the last two days reading several passages of scripture that God is really using to speak to me. I will post about it more soon. I'm just wondering, what scriptures have been speaking to you lately? What do they say to you and why does it mean so much.
Hope you feel free to share.
A~