Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Life That Matters

I live in a world of fear. Fear of others, fear of the unknown, fear of the known, but I do not want to know! Fear of war, famine, sickness, and the penniless life. This is not what I fear, although sometimes it would be nice to have a few more pennies in my pocket.

I fear never being anything. Never succeeding at the things that matter to me.
I fear succeeding, then discovering that accomplishment is not what I wanted it to be.
I fear being worthless, or even worse someone that is a failure.
Some one that had some worth, and then became nothing.
I fear not trying hard enough.
I fear trying hard but never getting anywhere
I fear messing up others lives.
Ruining relationships, and taking advantage.
I fear making others a failure by my influence...others like my daughter.
I fear reaching the end of my life and only being remembered for a short time as the woman who never got over her crap.

I want my life to matter. I fear it won't.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline

If I want to matter I must replace my fear with God's power, His love and Self-discipline. I must live these things out. I must live in His power, show His love, and live as a self-disciplined christian because in the end, that is what matters. Him not me. Christ being shown successfully, not my desires. His love being lived out daily, through the power and discipline He equips me with. That is the life that truly matters.

Oh to stop living my life of fear, and self doubt. Oh to live His life of love! This is what matters.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Failed

A few days ago I took a pregnancy test.

This isn't an unusual thing for me to do. We have been trying to have another baby for years now. I take the tests on a regular basis since I do not have periods on a regular basis.

That evening my husband asked me; "Did you take the test"

"Yes I did."

"Well, did you pass or fail?"

" I failed"

That's all I can think. I failed, I failed, I failed. I did not succeed.I do not get to move on.

I failed.



Photo courtesy of slayerphoto

Monday, April 12, 2010

Will Jesus Go Swimming With Me?

Wow, all I can think about right now is jumping on a trampoline with Jesus! My mind can't even wrap it's self around this. I have always thought of walking with Jesus, but not about the fun crazy stuff like jumping, swimming, bowling, and what about bike riding? What a thing to dwell on!

I have for quite some time been following Kate Mcrae's battle with a brain tumor. It is heart wrenching, and inspiring, and thought provoking. Today I read Friday, April 9th's post. Really I can't say anything to do justice to what this little girl speaks. Just go and read it for yourself, then you will understand why I want to go swimming with Jesus.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Do you.....

I came here to blog. Partly because I haven't posted in so long that I am starting to feel guilty. Partly because I desire to write, and seem to have nothing better to do right now. There is also a little bit of me that can't get all my thoughts in order, and I feel like if I were to write then I might be able to organize those thoughts. Honestly though I am not sure my thoughts will ever be in order.
I have this distinct feeling that I am on an amusement park ride that won't stop, and I can't get off. I have stated over the last few days that I feel the only way I am going to be able to slow down would be if I were committed. Really though I just need to listen to the Holy Spirit, to my body, and to logic.
I am not very good at any of that! Are you?

There are so many topics running through me right now. What do I tell you about? Do I tell you about the passover seder that my husband and I hosted last week? Do I tell you about this amazing, and godly woman that I helped out, and how she inspired me? Do I tell you about the challenge that God gave me to read Ezekiel, and about how much I totally do not understand it, and therefore really suck at following through?

How about my struggles in the last few weeks? The struggle of not getting pregnant when a lot of others are? The struggle to teach my daughter something as simple as her letters! I am a writer at heart, and I can't even teach the alphabet! Or the struggle of comparing her to her best friend and feeling like a failure as a mother and role model...do you really want to read about all my dirt?? Do you really want to read about my HUGE struggle with being HUGE???? My struggle with diet, and exercise and comparing myself? Do you really want to hear about the PCOS and how it rules my life? About how much I hate it, and how much it hurts, and how much I hide it from EVERYONE?

Do you want to read about my hopes? My dreams? My favorite things in life? Do you want to read about my loves?? My desires, and all the things I want to someday do, and experience and be?

Well, I am sure you don't want to read my rant any longer. I am sorry. Perhaps it is time for bed....or at least a good long soak in the Word.