Friday, December 19, 2008

Pray

I can't stop thinking about my husbands family. In less than two hours they will be burying their tiny daughter. I think about how the hours leading up to that must be some of the hardest hours in their lives. How lost, and maybe even numb they must feel. From what we know, they do not have God in their lives.
I don't know what I would do with out God.
How do you come to terms with what has happened without a savior? Where is comfort with out Abba Father to cry to?
Please pray for them with me. This is such a huge thing, and they are hurting so much. Spend time with God today. Renew your relationship with the creator and healer, as you bring them before His throne.
Also, please be reminded how much a blessing your little ones are today. In a moment they could be gone. Take time to love on them.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Only God

How do you have joy in the mist of sadness? I am still learning that. I am still trying to figure out how to rely on God in my pain. He brings me closer to Him, but there are times that I forget to lean in, to lay my head in his lap.
Today we went to a viewing for a 7 month old baby girl. It was heartbreaking. I kept watching the mother wander around. She looked so lost, and far away. I kept crying out to God for her, there was nothing else I could do.
The casket was open. What a beautiful little girl she was. So tiny, so still. It felt so wrong just looking at her. My heart longed to pick her up, and hold her because that is what is right. Babies aren't supposed to be laying in stillness, they are to be held, played with, and loved to bits.
God knows my heart, even when I don't understand His. He can comfort.
Later in the night I was honest with a friend. So honest, I think I disappointed her. I am not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to be ok.
Tonight, my heart is calling for a soothing peace that only God can give.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Learning from Mommy

Today was busy and mostly carefree. I played with Lily, her laugh makes my heart soar. She is growing up so fast. As I was making dinner she wanted to help, so we pulled a chair up to the counter. I sprinkled some flour, and handed her a small cut off of the dough I was working with. She was so cute turning it over in her hands, sprinkling it with flour, and turning it over again. Every time she put flour on the dough she said she was adding ketchup, but that's alright. I saw my daughter tonight as she was taking on her natural role. She was learning and loving it. I was loving it. I got the opportunity to spend time with her while showing her life in the home. She may one day chose to be out side of her home, and that's ok, but seeing the beauty of a little girl choosing to work beside her mother in the home was a heartwarming thing. Not to mention the pure sweetness of that little girl only being two years old.

We made bread bowls and a thick potato bacon soup to fill them for dinner. Tomorrow will be a busy but fun day. Two of "my girls", sweet friends of mine are coming over. We are having a baking day. I am in charge of the making of 250 bread bowls for a fund raiser and we want to try different recipes. We will also be making and frosting christmas cookies, with our little ones. What a day to look forward to!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Random Thoughts on Children Here and Above

It is after 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm not sure if this has any thing to do with the pepsi my husband gave me at 10pm or if my lack of sleep comes from not being able to stop my thoughts tonight. I have so many thoughts racing in my head that I'm not even sure I will be able to capture them, but I am going to try and do so here.
It has been 11 months since my miscarriage. We are coming up on that one year mark and it is looming before me in some not so quiet ways. I am forever reminded of what we have lost. Not that I would ever forget, of course, but there are things and events that make it even more apparent that our Jordan is gone. I thought that we would have a 3 month old baby to show off at holiday dinners. We have been trying to get a family photo done for a while but it feels so wrong only three of us will be there. Our church has always been over run with pregnancy and newborns, now is not any different, and certainly not any easier. Then there is our crib that we have brought back in our home to keep Lily in her room, but seeing it, thinking about Jordan....We have given away most of the baby items.
I'm sure you understand that I miss my baby, I don't need to tell you any more. Moving on. Like I said, many thoughts in my head.
I have a dear friend that is on my mind tonight. She too has survived the loss of a baby. I say survived because losing a baby is not something you ever get over, you just learn how to live again. My dear friend is now pregnant again. The baby is doing well, while making her very sick. It is so bitter sweet for me. Although I have fears for her (God take them again, I think I keep picking them back up) I am also so happy for her, and her family. I feel like this baby is God's grace redeeming her womb. There is beauty coming out of the pain.
Mom you are in my thoughts too. My sweet mother has many children waiting for her hugs in heaven. What a glorious day it will be to hold our precious little ones.
Right now though, I am also thinking of the little ones we can hold. Our babies that God let us keep. That is what I tell Lily: you are my one and only baby that God let me keep. She just smiles and nods. So sweet.
She is getting older and acts it. It is amazing and scary, and a little sad to watch.
Today I was reading a woman's blog and was struck by her words: The worst thing that could ever happen is to have one of my children reject God. I got to thinking about that. Death could happen, but if it is with God there is still hope. To be with out God is to live in death with no hope. The thought of my child going through that distresses me to no end. Then came more thoughts and with it a little poking from the holy spirit. My purpose as a mother is to live my life as an example to my child that will lead her strait to the Father. Have I done that so far as a mother? Of course not. I could say that no one is perfect, but I know the truth is most of the time I fail because of my own selfishness. I watch tv, or read, or sit around idle. I put others needs before those of my child. I could go on, but again, you understand.
So where have my thoughts lead me? To this: our children will see Christ mainly through us. What are we showing them? What are we teaching them? What needs to change?
A note on this last question; there are things in our lives that we can change, and things in our lives that only God can change. Be very careful to separate the two.
Our children, and even our husbands will be spiritually impacted by the way we live our lives. In what way are we impacting them? Wow, what a question! I could keep going on this, but I feel no need to. Conviction and prodding are already at work here.
I am trying to keep my random thoughts to a minimum. I hope I'm not jumping around to much for you. I am also trying to keep this post honest, but not despairing, but really I think I'm just being who I am.
So two things before I sign off, please pray for us as we are without a baby either in our arms or in my belly this holiday and it has taken it's toll on our emotions, and hope.
On a lighter note, Lily has learned the song "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" Which is to say she knows only that particular line of the song. It is very amusing though to hear her sing it over and over again, as loudly and off key as possible. All the way to town and back.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Red Roses

My husband brought me flowers this morning. Three beautiful red roses with baby's breath. He said he was looking for something, then headed outside, and took the car. When he came back he was carrying the flowers in the door.
I can count, possibly on one hand, the number of times he has gotten me flowers. It is always sweet, and loved when he does this. To think, we've been together about six and a half years, and he still likes to do little things for me. I makes my heart beat for him.
When I asked him why he decided to do this for me he said; I know you had a hard day yesterday, and I wanted to make you feel better.
Thank you my love for caring, and trying to make me better. I love you.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Words

So many words float through my head in a day's time.
Tired, stressed, worried, worn out, selfish, angry, distressed, alone, broken.
Quiet, peace, rest, hope, strength, simple, fresh, life, natural, redeemed.
For all the words that float in my head, some of these words seem to sink in my daily life. The words that I want to represent me seem to always sink to the bottom, while the ones I really don't want present in my life always seem to be floating right at the surface.
I am a selfish person, especially of late. I want things to be done my way, in my time. Heck, I want MY time. I am angry, and hurting. I don't understand all the things that happen. I want some things to be different, and get angry when I can't have it my way (again with the selfishness). I am tired, worn, and worried. So much has happened in my life, I just want a break.
I am alone, and broken. Oh there are people around me, all the time in fact. Yet I feel alone. I feel my pain is just....., that there is no one else to hold me up when I can't anymore. I like being alone, but this is a different kind of alone. Isolated. Sad. My brokenness sometimes consumes me. I feel like I have emotion in a cracked glass, leaking through. Sometimes I just wait for the pressure to shattered me completely.
I feel no peace.I long for peace. I live in a world where everything is busy, and stressful. I wish for quietness. I thrive in the quiet. The banging in my life seems to be getting louder and louder. I don't know what to do anymore. I am pleading, and crying out. In the end all I feel is more worn out than before.

Tonight I spent some time looking at some of these words. I used two sources: the Webster's dictionary, and God's words.
Brokenness in this sense is defined as: made weak, infirm.
I also found another definition: not complete or full. This idea of brokenness seems good to me, because if I am not complete that leaves room for God to really work on me. To make me full.
Peace according to Webster is a state of tranquility or quiet. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. To use interjectionally to ask for silence or calm.
Rest is a peace of mind or spirit.
Redeemed means: to by back, to free from what distresses or harms, and to change for the better.
Thank you God for all these great words that you can bring to my life! All of these meanings speak to my spirit, they nourish my soul. I am in waiting for God to bring these things into my life. For I know my God can do anything.

His words say this:
John 14:25-27
These things I have spoken to you while being present with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.

He gives peace. It's not of this world, but of the spiritual world. His Holy Spirit was sent to teach and in that bring us peace. He tells me not to be troubled or afraid. Again He says:

Isaiah 41:9-10,13
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, You are My servant. I have chosen you, and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you Fear not, I will help you.

Wow, God holds my hand. He upholds me with His hand. He will strengthen me, help me. He has chosen me, called me. Most importantly, He is with me. He tells me not to have fear. He tells me to not be dismayed.
There are so many words in my life. I want His words, His peace. His life flowing though mine. Upholding me.

This is the kind of peace I hope for in my life. God bring it about in fullness.

One more verse, one of my favorites, is Isaiah 61:3. I could talk so much on this one verse, but for tonight, I will just show it to you. Tell me what you think, and I will soon tell you my thoughts.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Enduring Hope

Our Hope Endures
Natalie Grant
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness, but she marches on?
Oh, cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged


Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged


I added music to my blog last night, and this is one song that I really wanted and couldn't find. I feel like she is talking about me, although I can't say that my hope is always that strong. There are days when I wonder haven't we had enough. That my body just wants to give out, and I just want a break. For the sun to shine for a while instead of hiding it's warmth.
I am thankful though that I know even when I don't feel hopeful, God's hope is enough. Knowing that He is in control, and will at very minimum be beside us should be enough to sustain me. So many days I fail to remember that. So many days God uses little things to remind me that Hope~in Him~is enough to make the earth quake.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

New Background with Annoying Ad

Alright, well as you can see I've added a background to my blog. I really like it, but am having one problem, I can't get the image advertisement off. It keeps following every post, and covering up the post title. Very frustrating. I would really like to keep the background, so if any one knows how to get the ad off I would appreciate some help. In the mean time, I left clicked on the image and then right clicked on "block images from...." This removed it from my page, but when I looked at the blog under my husbands account it was still there. So I guess until we figure out how to remove this image completely I suggest you block the image the same way I did.
If this is too much of a problem I will just remove the background completely. Just let me know how this is working for you.
Also, if we can figure this out, the site that I got the background from had over 200 backgrounds, all free! Might be something to check out.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

What is God doing? My life on a roller coaster.

My life has been a roller coaster for the last few weeks....months.....years, who knows. It always seems to be one thing after another, and I am left crying "God what are you doing? Why???!!!"
My husband Brian has been searching for a job for almost two months now, and the area we live in is in such distress when it comes to jobs. We are barely making it, not even getting all our bills payed. In the mist of this we have taken in my sister, and although we want to help her, it is of course a finical stress, among other things. My daughter has lead poisoning, and that is a whole other post. Then there is the whole I'm unhealthy and can't get pregnant bit.
I just don't know what to see in this. What is He saying, and what am I supposed to be learning? I just wrote in my journal; I am not strong enough for this. A big part of me wants to think of all the things I've made it through in my life, and say; Girl, you came out of that ok, and you will this too. I just think I'm a different person now. That person may have been able to handle parting with babies, and taking care of a sick one, living off nothing, and almost dying for crying out loud, but I just don't feel like I can do this. I am an emotional mess.
I so did not want my blog to be a place of complaints. I hate it when others just go on and on about all the things they think are so hard in their lives. I really do have a list of good things to blog on, stuff that has been on my mind, I'm just unsure why I can't seem to snap out of this long enough to write on those things.
So the really honest portion of this rant starts now. I don't know what God is doing, and it scares me. I am angry at people who abuse my love for them. I am upset that my life is upside down, and returning to normal seems now where in sight. I am sad that I can't seem to be who I want to be, who I hope God wants me to be. I am frustrated with people who are ungrateful for all the things God has put before them. I am down right furious at people who think they can raise my daughter better than I can, and have no problem telling me so, and even stepping in.
It is completely depressing to me that in addition to these people, I too have done every one of these things to myself.
I was reading my ~About Me~ on the left side of my blog today, and realized that I said I crave for my life to be as natural, simple, and beautiful as possible, and it feels like nothing in my life comes even close to resembling that.
Well, now that I've thrown all this crap out into web land for all of you to read I will try to make an effort to be kinder, and uplifting in the next post.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Unstable,Craziness

Well, I wrote this a week ago, and had no intention of publishing it. Once I read it I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy I sounded, and of course didn't want others to see that unstable, craziness about me. A friend actually told me I should post it, and after briefly thinking about it, I decided who cares what everyone else thinks of my insane feelings. Most of you have probably felt this way at one point or another, and if you haven't well, do you live in the real world? So here is what I was going through a week ago, and maybe still going through now.

My life is so crazy right now. I hardly feel in control. I am exhausted, and just plain worn out. There has been so much going on, and I think my thoughts, everything going through my mind, and all that I've been feeling are even much more crazy than my daily life.
I feel fragile, and on the verge of breaking. My life is a tornado, and I am caught in the middle, I can't get out.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Four Person Family

At the beginning of this year we thought that we would be having another baby, resulting in a four person family. We thought that by the end of Sept. we would have another child in our home. This obviously is not the case.
To our surprise though, we are now a four person family. Today is Oct. 1st, and a week ago today my sister moved in with us. Although she is 23, she still hasn't taken on the full mindset of being an adult yet, and needed a place to just be for a while.
In January, I never would have imagined getting my four person family in this form, but here it is.
It hadn't really occurred to me in this way until Sat afternoon. Our table has been set up for three people. I decided that with Brooke here that needed to change. As I was pulling our table out away from the wall my husband said to me "What are you doing?". Without thinking I responded, "Making room for our family". That is when the thought popped into my head. We have four people in our family.
OK I know I'm sounding redundant here. I have a point. I wanted so badly to have a fourth in our home. I deeply wanted that fourth to be a baby. Well, God gave me my fourth. She is not a baby, and as sad as not having a baby is, I am still grateful. Although I am still trying to see how to make this work, and what God is doing. I am also brought to the realization that God works in so many ways we would never expect. God sees what we want, and although not always, he usually brings that about, even if it's in a completely different way than we asked for. Although I have so many questions, and mixed feelings about all of this, I am reminding myself everyday, this is an opportunity. One that God has given, perhaps in response to my request. I must seek Him. I must breath God in so that He can breath out through me. I must keep close in my thoughts; this is a person that needs me, what can I do today? I must show love.
My family has grown, not in any ways that I was hoping, or wanting, but in ways that God has brought about for a reason. Therefore, I am happy to serve. To make the best of what He has given. Although I know there will be hard days, I am glad to have a fourth.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Post

Well, I had a dear friend ask me a little while ago if I'm going to get a new post up soon. I have a few ideas rambling around in my head, but have no time to post right now. So I am promising to be back soon (hopefully by the end of the week).
In the mean time I want to pose a question: what do you think I should write about???
I look forward to getting suggestions.
I'll be back to blog at you soon.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Potty Training Fiascoes

We have been working with Lily for a little while to potty train her, and all seems to be going well. She tells us most of the time, when she needs to go, and sometimes will just go on her own.
Yesterday was one of the "do it myself" times. We heard her in the bathroom but didn't think twice about it until we heard a piercing scream. We ran in the bathroom to find our tiny two year old wedged in the regular toilet. She had pushed the potty chair up to the toilet and used it as a stool. Sat down, then fell in. The only thing sticking out was her head and feet. Her butt sunk in the blue water completely. After many tears she calmed down, and we had a good discussion about her height not being compatible with the toilet. It seemed at the time she would not be attempting to use the big person potty soon.
So today, she decided to take a different approach to this over sized potty that she desired so much to use. I walked into the bathroom to find her standing in front of it, her hands holding down south to aim, as she was about to try the pee standing up method. I immediately stopped her, explained to her that girls can't preform this incredible trick, and asked her to use the little potty. Not a minute later I turned around to find her trying this neat trick again. At the little potty!
Oh the joys of potty training. She is usually so enthusiastic about it, and we don't want to do anything to change that.
I just don't know that laughing at these fiascoes is really helping much, but I thought if I'm going to laugh, I may as well share the funniness.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Truth and Trust

I'm having a hard time trusting God right now. I can't see anything ahead of us, except bad days. I don't understand. I want to know why. I just can't see the end, and am having a hard time with that.
I know he provides, but where is that provision?
I know he is always here, but why am I not comforted?
I know he is in control, so why is my world spinning?

I also know that trusting Him doesn't always make sense. That things can look bleak until the last second, and that sometimes, things don't get better.
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that right now.
I don't know how to have that much faith.

This night looks very long, and dark.
If I took a step back I would probably argue with myself right now. I would probably tell myself that God knows what he is doing, and to trust that.
Please pray, I know truth, it just isn't connecting very well right now.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Living Worship

My husband posted today on his blog Lucky Irishman, about our child in heaven and our child on earth worshiping the same God, together.
I want to expand on that a little. In heaven we will live a life of worship. Everything done in heaven is to praise a worthy God. My child in heaven spends his days living his heavenly life, walking with Jesus, praising an almighty God. His whole life consists of living in worship.
Our days on earth are full of sin, and selfishness, but aren't we supposed to also be living a life of worship? Doing everything to honor, and praise God? Now I know that in this life it's impossible to be perfect, but we are called to imitate the one who is perfect.(Ephesians 5:1) We are called to live a life fully following God.
One day all followers will be in heaven, alive, well, and worshiping. For now, we must do our best to live the way we will in heaven. Isn't that what following Christ is about?
I still have a daughter here on earth, and she likes to imitate everything we say, and do. If I want to teach her to follow Christ, shouldn't my life be and imitation of his? It seems to me that would be the best way for her to learn.
One day, when I am face to face with my baby I want to know that my life on earth was a glimpse of the life of worship I will be privileged to lead with him in heaven. I would love to lead that life here on earth with the child we've lost, but since I can't I want to be sure that I am living my life as close to his life of worship as I can. I want to be sure that I am showing my daughter a life of worship that will change her for all eternity. I want to live a life of worship for all my children.
More importantly I want to live a life of worship for my God, whom I will one day be blessed to worship at His feet.
What a beautiful thing it will be to live out worship in heaven (I'm a bit jealous of my baby for getting that opportunity before me~crazy, right?). Yet, what a privilege it is to live that life on earth, for my daughter to see.
What a beautiful thing.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Today

Today is my baby Jordan's due date.
Today is my day to be sad.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Pain is Never for No Reason

Yesterday, I met with one of the pastors at our church. I was dealing with a lot of stuff as our due date for our miscarried baby quickly approaches. One thing he said really stuck with me, "Pain is never for no reason. God isn't a jerk, he won't allow you to go through pain for no reason".
This is really simple, and yet profound. There is so much pain in the world. Sometimes the pain we go through seems harsh, useless, and unexplained. It makes you question God. Wonder why, and how he could allow it.
Yet, over and over in my mind all I hear is: pain is never for no reason. There is always a reason God allows us to go through pain. There is always something He is going to use it for. It's really hard to see that sometimes, but looking back it has always proven to be true. God has never allowed me to go through anything with out being there, teaching me, teaching others, comforting me, making me more aware of Him, and drawing me closer to Him.
I'm thinking, how different I could respond in life if I could just remember this simple truth. If I could just get myself firmly ground in this. How would my thoughts, speech, actions, and attitude change if I would just remember that God does not allow the pain in my life for no good reason.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Obedince

I have had several things on my mind today that I wanted to post. Unfortunately, this is not one of them. This may be just a rant. We'll see.
Lily has always had trouble sleeping. She doesn't go to sleep very well, and usually doesn't stay that way for more than a few hours before waking again. We have been working on getting her to go to sleep in her own bed, and then actually staying there. It seems like we have been working at this forever, with no progress. We have really tried to step that up here recently, because we are going away in two weeks, and Lily will be staying the whole weekend with my parents. She has never been away from us overnight.
So tonight, like every other, we put her to bed, and she got right back up. This happened again, and again, and again. Every time she got up, we put her right back to bed, after she not so happily faced her consequences of getting up in the first place. Also while putting her back to bed we would always talk to her about how she needs to listen and do what daddy, and mommy say. That this is obedience, and it's good to obey, God wants us to obey.
So this is a thought that ran through my mind tonight after telling her this, again, am I like my daughter when God commands me? Do I continually get up, and do the very thing that will bring me pain in the end? Does God bring me to a place that is good for me, and yet I get up, and go right back to what I want? Even though it will hurt. Even though it will not be best.
When I do not want to be where I am at I very rarely concider that maybe God put me here. Maybe God wants me here because it is best. When there is pain or concequences in my life I rarely concider that maybe it is because I have left the sometimes uncomfortable place God had me, and walked myself right into an even worse spot.*
That is what I see my daughter doing. I have placed her somewhere she doesn't really want to be, somewhere that she may not like. So she in turn gets up, and walks her self right out of it. Into what she wants. Which ends up leading to consequnces, always painful. Yet, even though I don't like these consequences any more than she does, we eventually come to the place I wanted/needed her to be all along.
In that place, she then finds comfort, rest, and peace. She grows, and flourishes there. I think if I were to be more obedient to God, and stay where he leads me, perhaps I too would find that comfort, and peace. Perhaps I too would grow.
This seems to be a very touchy subject in my mind. I am presently arguing with myself over some of the things I've said. Maybe I shouldn't post this, but I'm going to anyway.
One more thought: Does God get as frustrated with me as I do her?


*I am not talking about God punishing our disobedience. Some times there is pain in our lives because we are not following/obeying God and have stepped out from under him. As humans we can put ourselves in a place of hurt with our sin.
I also do not believe that all pain is caused by this. Sometimes we can be walking very closely with God, and still experience pain. Sometimes that pain is where he has us, and only He knows the reason.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Baby Clothes

Yesterday, we went through all of our daughters baby clothes. It was good, and very hard all at once.
We were told we wouldn't have children, and it took us about three years before God blessed us with Lily. She grew so fast that she really wasn't in any of her clothes very long until she reached about a year old. Yet, even though she didn't need those clothes, and the chances of us getting pregnant again were right back in the slim to none category, we still couldn't let go of those clothes.
So they have just sat in boxes, in the back of a closet. When we moved, those clothes came with us. When we cleaned out closets, those clothes stayed right were they had always been. Eight months ago we were amazed to find out that we were again receiving a blessing in the form of the baby. A week later our baby was gone.
So now I have been left with all these baby clothes that I have no use for. My sweet daughter can no longer wear them, and my precious baby will never need them.
This saddens me. I have been faced with a situation that calls for me to go through these clothes. So that is what I did. Five hours of grueling work. Heartbreakingly, folding up, boxing, and removing these clothes from my house.
I recognize the fact that it was good for me to let go of these clothes. I have been hanging on to something materialistic, something that makes me feel depressed anytime I see them. Boxing those clothes up was a way of letting go of something that could only hurt to hang on to.
Yet, at the same time, in the mist of this being healing, it also hurts. I am letting go of a dream, of a hope. Knowing that I have clothes for "just in case" was a comforting thought. Getting rid of them makes me feel like having another baby is a little less likely to ever happen. I know this sounds silly, but I'm hoping you will understand, at least a little bit of what I am saying.
Then there was a whole other hurt that came with getting rid of the baby clothes. Our baby that we lost at the beginning of this year would have been due very soon. Our due date is in three days. I had these running thoughts while sorting clothes that I should be using these clothes in the next week or two. I should be having a baby to wear our baby clothes, and instead they are going out the door.
Those clothes got use for such a short time, and I feel cheated to not be able to use them now. Now when I should be due with a healthy baby, and am not.
Now don't get me wrong, although I am still letting God work on how I feel about the loss of my baby, I do understand that he is all powerful, and in control. God always does the best for his children, so now it is a matter of learning to trust my heavenly daddy.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Gift

At the beginning of this year we were very briefly pregnant. We knew about our precious baby for less than one week before God called him home. So much has come out of this. Some good, and some not so good stuff has been in my life because of this tragedy. This is not what I want to tell you about right now, someday, just not now. This was necessary to tell you though, in light of what is really coming in this post.

I have a beautiful daughter, Lilly. I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant. We refused to fully give ourselves over to this brilliant diagnoses, It took three years into our marriage, but we finally got the two lines on the test. We had waited so long and gone through so much to see those two lines. I have never forgotten what a gift my Lily is. It is a wonderful act of God that she is even here.
Of course there are times that she drives me nuts. Times I don't want to be around her. That has never changed the fact that she is a gift to me from my all powerful God.
Losing my baby this year has again helped make that clear(not that I had ever forgotten). Thinking that I would have two wonderful, mischievous children to care for was an exciting blessing to think about. All that was gone so quickly, and then I was back to only having one baby to care for. This makes a mama realize very quickly that every child is a precious gift. That at any time your life could change, and that which means the most to you can be taken away. Savoring the time you have is important. Sometimes with children, especially young ones, we don't always remember that the time we spend with them is the most important time in life. God has given us our children as gifts, and sometimes we take that for granted. Sometimes we don't always realize what a gift that is.
My daughter, may not always be here. She has already had a lot thrown her way (more on that later). She could also be called home at any time.
Right now she is with me. God has given this gift to me to take care of. To lead to Him. To hold.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in the day, and work, and life, and mostly ourselves. We must remember that our children are gifts. That these gifts are not only a part of us, but a part of God.
Let's be careful to remember what a gift he has given us. Treat your gift with care. God gives you something very precious when he gives you a child, weather it's once or ten times. Each child is a gift. Losing one helps you see that. For those of you who have never lost a child, I pray He helps you see that with out the pain.
Because realizing that your child is a gift from God to you, one of the most beautiful gifts He gives, will change your life. It will change the way you see your child, your life, and the world. Seeing your child as a gift will change you, it's a good change.
Each child is a gift.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The Same God

God never changes. He is still the same God he was before this.

Life changes. We change. Things happen in our lives that sometimes can make us feel as though God is different than he once was.
Truth is, He is still the same God during, and after our hardships as he was before them.
He is still just as powerful, even if he didn't stop the hurt from coming.
He is still right beside you, even if you feel alone.
He still has plans for you, even if you don't like the way that looks in your life right now.
He is still in control.
He is still provident.
He still knows what he is doing.
He still loves you.
He is the same God that He has always been.
He is still the same.

I thought this was going to be longer, but I guess simple truth doesn't have to go on and on. I'm sure if I thought about this more I could continue writing, but for now I just wanted to share.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Why?

My first post was not supposed to be like this. I had such high hopes that the first time anyone read anything of mine that it would be encouraging and enlightening.

Things change so quickly. Last night a very dear friend of mine started miscarrying. This hard, cold world is now a bit bleaker because her heart is hurting.
I cry out to our Maker with questions. Questions that will go unanswered because God does not always reveal the "why" that we ask so many times in our heart. So now I am left wondering, how do we go on after a loss so great? How do we as Christians live for Him in the mist of our pain, not knowing why we are allowed this pain in the first place.
My simple, short answer is: I don't know.
Yet, if I were to look deeper I would see that even though we will aways ask why, God will always be there to comfort. He sees deeper into us than we could ever imagine. When we cry God is already crying with us. When we hurt, He is bent over with our pain. When we lay in bed with the agony upon us, God is laying right beside us. God knows that we will always cry out for the unknown reasons to be revealed. Even when he choses not to show us the 'why' He will always be beside us to sit in the quiet. To listen to our hurt and heal us if we let Him. He knows the anger and fear. He is not afraid of our screaming. He is just relived that we come to Him. Even if our coming to Him happens to bring the rage inside. He is always ready to seep into the crevasses of our broken hearts.
He does not heal us in an instant. There would be no greatness in that. There would be no drawing closer, nothing gained. Grief does not come with out darkness, but it comes with hope in the end if we let our Daddy do the healing.

To my dear friend, I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for this thing that has broken you, left you hurting. I am sorry you will not hold your baby on this earth. If I could change it I would, but I can't, so please rest in your Daddy's arms. Although He could have prevented your hurt, He is also capable of healing your pain, and bringing you to a place that makes you more beautiful than you already are.
I am praying for you tonight. I love more than life.