Thursday, October 9, 2008

What is God doing? My life on a roller coaster.

My life has been a roller coaster for the last few weeks....months.....years, who knows. It always seems to be one thing after another, and I am left crying "God what are you doing? Why???!!!"
My husband Brian has been searching for a job for almost two months now, and the area we live in is in such distress when it comes to jobs. We are barely making it, not even getting all our bills payed. In the mist of this we have taken in my sister, and although we want to help her, it is of course a finical stress, among other things. My daughter has lead poisoning, and that is a whole other post. Then there is the whole I'm unhealthy and can't get pregnant bit.
I just don't know what to see in this. What is He saying, and what am I supposed to be learning? I just wrote in my journal; I am not strong enough for this. A big part of me wants to think of all the things I've made it through in my life, and say; Girl, you came out of that ok, and you will this too. I just think I'm a different person now. That person may have been able to handle parting with babies, and taking care of a sick one, living off nothing, and almost dying for crying out loud, but I just don't feel like I can do this. I am an emotional mess.
I so did not want my blog to be a place of complaints. I hate it when others just go on and on about all the things they think are so hard in their lives. I really do have a list of good things to blog on, stuff that has been on my mind, I'm just unsure why I can't seem to snap out of this long enough to write on those things.
So the really honest portion of this rant starts now. I don't know what God is doing, and it scares me. I am angry at people who abuse my love for them. I am upset that my life is upside down, and returning to normal seems now where in sight. I am sad that I can't seem to be who I want to be, who I hope God wants me to be. I am frustrated with people who are ungrateful for all the things God has put before them. I am down right furious at people who think they can raise my daughter better than I can, and have no problem telling me so, and even stepping in.
It is completely depressing to me that in addition to these people, I too have done every one of these things to myself.
I was reading my ~About Me~ on the left side of my blog today, and realized that I said I crave for my life to be as natural, simple, and beautiful as possible, and it feels like nothing in my life comes even close to resembling that.
Well, now that I've thrown all this crap out into web land for all of you to read I will try to make an effort to be kinder, and uplifting in the next post.

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