Saturday, December 19, 2009

Take this Burden and Pray

I don't know if I have ever been so sad. I know that I have, but in the sad moments of life doesn't it feel like the worst? A friend is hurting. I have come to love this man. He has been a part of my husbands life for 22 years. They are brother's even though blood would prove otherwise. That in and of it's self is enough to love him. My husband doesn't have very good relationships with most of his family. This man is more family than my husband has ever known. Yet it's more than that. I have known him for about 10 years. We have all suffered a great deal, and walked through so much together. He has always taken care of me and looked out for...I am his "brothers wife" after all. A safe place to talk.

A few weeks ago this friend's dad died. His family came. They were not here for support and help. They hurt him. He has always been used and unwanted by most of the people in his life. His family was the worst. Imagine if not only does your family not want you, but then used you in every way they could because of it. They have always taken every ounce of him that they can, tearing him down, and leaving his heart beaten after every encounter. He could never walk away. He didn't know how to say no. He only knew that they were family, and he would do anything for them because of it. God placed in this man a deep desire to help people. It has brought him so much pain.

He has struggled for years and years with addictions, and self hate. He has always been self destructive but usually keeps control on it. He is a christian man. He could tell you more about the Bible than anyone I know. Oh if this man had a different life he would make an awesome pastor!!! He knows and loves God. He tries (like everyone else) to follow the steps of Jesus. He fails. He falls. He hurts. He stands back up.

Last night he could not stand back up. He hurt to much. He talked to my husband. Brian drove an hour to see him. They took a drive. They cried. They hugged. They have never been closer. The hurt is too much for our friend to handle.

He said he was glad that he talked to my husband that night and not me. His reason...because my husband is stronger than I am, and would handle what he had to say better. I think he knows I would have tried to reason logic into him before accepting what he had to say. (Not saying that my husband didn't throw God's word at him a few times.) When it comes down to losing someone I love...he is right, Brian is stronger. I cried just listening to my husband talk about the night.

There is so much I cannot tell you. So much that is privet and personal. I will tell you this. Our family. My husband, myself, my daughter. We love and care about this man. He is hurting. I don't know if I have ever seen someone in so much emotional distress, and that is saying a lot. I am pleading with you today. Please, please pray for him. He needs to be lifted up to God. We, all of us, are his brothers and sisters. Please take him to God today. Please also pray for us. The choices he is making will leave a deep hole in our lives. This sorrow is to much of a burden to carry alone. Please lift some of it for me by praying for him.....

Thank you all so much.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

His Ways

Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

Every day Lily asks me; "Mommy, you happy?" Like everyone else I am not happy everyday, but usually I can say "your smile makes me happy" or something like that in those moments. She just wants to know that something makes me happy. I honestly think it is joy she is asking about, and I have taken a lot of time lately to contemplate this, and will probably post about it soon.

Today I couldn't even muster up a small amount of happiness for her. She is sick again, and it makes my heart so sad. I am not a person prone to crying. I am much more likely to get angry than cry, but right now I cannot stop crying! I was holding my little girl this morning. Her fever warming us both as she fussed in my lap, and the tears just streamed down. She kept telling me that water was falling from my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. When she realized that I was not happy she got very sad herself, and started telling me over and over again; "I sorry, I sick mommy. I sorry I sick." Wow. Talk about some massive heart break!

As I have said before, last winter was hard with back to back illnesses. I have had some fear that this winter will be the same, and so far it has proven me right. I just cannot seem to handle it. Last year I carried on with life, cleaned the house, made the meals, and took care of my baby. This year I seem to be paralyzed on the couch with her. My house is still a mess, and my heart is an even bigger mess.

God and I have been talking today! I know His ways are not my ways. Yet I really want them to be. I really want my baby healthy! I really want to have a normal life. Today we were supposed to make Christmas cookies, and we couldn't go because of sickness. Two weeks ago we missed church. Life goes on for others, and I know that many have been affected by illness this year, yet it seems like they bounce back so much quicker while we are sitting still, dealing with one thing after another. (Yes, I know this is a selfish rant, and that many others have it much worse than we do. I am thankful everyday that we do not deal with some of the health problems of others. I am just sharing the struggles of my day. Hope you understand that.)

I do not feel emotionally able to handle sickness this year. I do not understand God's ways, and am having a really hard time trusting Him right now. It was so much of a struggle for us to have a child, and now we struggle so hard to keep her healthy. I just want to stomp my foot and tell God I don't want your ways if this is it. Yet, I know I must trust my heavenly daddy. I know that He is in control and sees so much more than I see. I know that His ways are greater than mine, even if I struggle with His ways. I know, I know, I know....could someone please connect it with my heart?

All day I have been repeating Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

I don't know if I am taking comfort from it, hoping it will go back and change my day, or if I am trying to convince myself of this truth. I think mostly I am just trying to change my attitude with this scripture. I guess I should keep trying.
I know that God's word speaks to us, and changes us, so I will continue to lean on that.

Emotions have drained me, and now I am very tired. I may go join Lily for a nap. Please continue to pray health for Lily, and strength for me. If God chooses health I will be thrilled, but if that is not His way right now...I am gonna need strength!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Work It Out, Baby!

Working out...don't you love it? I do. What I really hate though is finding the motivation to get up off my rump and actually do it! Once I start I love it. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the thought of what it could make me. I just love it. So why is it so hard to get motivated? I really don't know.

I started working out with a friend 6ish weeks ago. We decided to do the Biggest Looser Boot camp work out. Every two weeks we went up a level so by week 5 we were on the toughest level and working our butts off for an hour 5 days a week. Right around week 5 we also stopped working out together. We had a few days that it just didn't work to get together so her husband joined her, and they have been doing it together ever since. I finished out week 5 and started on week 6. I did about 3 days of that finial week and when I weighed I found out that I had gained 3 pounds. My friend has (so far) lost about 10 pounds, and while I am very happy for her I knew than I could not continue doing the program with out getting very frustrated and quitting all together. I also knew that I probably wouldn't have kept doing a program that took me an hour every day by myself. I think my body just needed something different. So I switched to Jillian's (another Biggest Looser coach) 30 day Shred. Their work outs were very similar so I knew it would be challenging enough. After 6 weeks of working my body hard, I needed a challenge, something easier would not have satisfied me! The difference was that I would be working my body just as hard, but more concentrated, and in about a third of the time.
So day one of her program, I debated after doing it if it was easier, harder, or the same as the boot camp work out I had just stopped. It was different. There was more cardio and abs, but less squats. Yet I couldn't really say if it was harder.
Well, day 2 and 3 I had decided she was trying to kill me. It was harder, my heart raced, and I was wheezing like crazy, but I did it!!
I have to do it yet today, and with the exhaustion that I feel right now it is very debatable if I will actually get it done. This is a 30 day program, and I know that if I don't follow it the way it is planned out my results will be much less than hoped for. Yet, I am proud of myself for sticking with working out. It has been a few years since I worked out daily.
It has been very discouraging to me that I haven't lost any thing. After more than 6 weeks of kicking butt there has been no weight loss, no inches lost. Yes I have gained endurance, but come on we really work out to gain endurance to work out? I don't think so. I would really, REALLY like to see some progress soon! Until then I guess I will keep going at it.
I haven't done a whole lot to change the way I eat, but we were already eating a pretty healthy diet to begin with. I am trying to be conscious of everything I put in my mouth. My biggest help in this area is: I can eat what ever I want when I go out (this usually includes eating at a friend's house) but at home I am limited and healthy. Since I don't go out more than once a week it limits my splurge times. I usually make one sweet thing a week, but give most of it away or send it to work with my husband. It is also very important to me to get all my water drank through out the day.
I guess if I don't see changes soon I am going to have to rethink what I am doing.

What are you doing to keep your body healthy? To loose weight or eat healthy?