Thursday, December 10, 2009

His Ways

Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

Every day Lily asks me; "Mommy, you happy?" Like everyone else I am not happy everyday, but usually I can say "your smile makes me happy" or something like that in those moments. She just wants to know that something makes me happy. I honestly think it is joy she is asking about, and I have taken a lot of time lately to contemplate this, and will probably post about it soon.

Today I couldn't even muster up a small amount of happiness for her. She is sick again, and it makes my heart so sad. I am not a person prone to crying. I am much more likely to get angry than cry, but right now I cannot stop crying! I was holding my little girl this morning. Her fever warming us both as she fussed in my lap, and the tears just streamed down. She kept telling me that water was falling from my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. When she realized that I was not happy she got very sad herself, and started telling me over and over again; "I sorry, I sick mommy. I sorry I sick." Wow. Talk about some massive heart break!

As I have said before, last winter was hard with back to back illnesses. I have had some fear that this winter will be the same, and so far it has proven me right. I just cannot seem to handle it. Last year I carried on with life, cleaned the house, made the meals, and took care of my baby. This year I seem to be paralyzed on the couch with her. My house is still a mess, and my heart is an even bigger mess.

God and I have been talking today! I know His ways are not my ways. Yet I really want them to be. I really want my baby healthy! I really want to have a normal life. Today we were supposed to make Christmas cookies, and we couldn't go because of sickness. Two weeks ago we missed church. Life goes on for others, and I know that many have been affected by illness this year, yet it seems like they bounce back so much quicker while we are sitting still, dealing with one thing after another. (Yes, I know this is a selfish rant, and that many others have it much worse than we do. I am thankful everyday that we do not deal with some of the health problems of others. I am just sharing the struggles of my day. Hope you understand that.)

I do not feel emotionally able to handle sickness this year. I do not understand God's ways, and am having a really hard time trusting Him right now. It was so much of a struggle for us to have a child, and now we struggle so hard to keep her healthy. I just want to stomp my foot and tell God I don't want your ways if this is it. Yet, I know I must trust my heavenly daddy. I know that He is in control and sees so much more than I see. I know that His ways are greater than mine, even if I struggle with His ways. I know, I know, I know....could someone please connect it with my heart?

All day I have been repeating Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

I don't know if I am taking comfort from it, hoping it will go back and change my day, or if I am trying to convince myself of this truth. I think mostly I am just trying to change my attitude with this scripture. I guess I should keep trying.
I know that God's word speaks to us, and changes us, so I will continue to lean on that.

Emotions have drained me, and now I am very tired. I may go join Lily for a nap. Please continue to pray health for Lily, and strength for me. If God chooses health I will be thrilled, but if that is not His way right now...I am gonna need strength!

1 comment:

Suzie said...

I'm so sorry Amber... :'(