Monday, October 25, 2010

I Know that I Know......But Could Someone Just Tell My Heart??

I know that I have been absent for a while. That was not my intention, of course. I wanted to write, but I have had so much going on that my brain was just not working well enough to compose a post. Even now I wonder if publicly writing what is in my head might possibly the worst idea I have had in a long time.

In just a few short weeks we will have no income. Months ago my husband separated his shoulder. It has prevented him from working in the capacity that he always has, and as a result of that he has been unable to find work. Unemployment has helped, but it ends in a few weeks.
Also in a few weeks we are being asked to move. The landlord wants our space for an office. So with no income we will also be homeless. We have known this for a month, and I have remained calm.Until now.....

Today, I have been struggling greatly with TRUST (among other things). Do you ever just struggle over and over again with something and wonder if you will ever get it? Trust is that thing for me. The words that keep playing over and over in my mind today are trust, hope, faith, peace, grace, safety, provision. For weeks, even months I have done really well with these words. I have grown in them, I have seen, and experianced them. I have not doubted them.

 Then this weekend I woke up several times in the middle of the night totally panic stricken. The feeling has not yet left. I have let doubt creep in, fear, LOTS of fear, sadness, confusion, pain, and anger. I have allowed my circumstances to control my emotions rather than giving my emotions to my Father.
I am not sure what to do about it either. It is one thing to say have is quite another to get yourself to do just that.

 I know, that I know, that I know that God will take care of us. I also know that it will be His timing which is most commonly not my timing. That it will also be His way, which also has not commonly been my way. I know this. I know I am not forgotten. But my heart just doesn't hear me say that right now.

 So in light of this panic filled weekend, that seems to be slinking it's way into my week. I have spent time praying and searching, and getting in the word. I have spent time with others so as not to be alone in depression. Yet, I struggle. I worry. I panic.

So that is where I am at today. Seeking the Father. Trying not to cry. Knowing of His faithfulness, but not connecting it to my heart.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Fear....A Sin??

It was recently pointed out to my by a very sweet, but bold Godly woman that fear is a sin. I had completely NOT remembered this, to which she pointed out that could be a tool of the enemy to keep me in sin. 

Thoughts on this???

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Scent of Worship

The fundraiser went fabulous, and even though I was an emotional mess by the time I got home, and I am still feeling really drained, I am glad I had to opportunity to work with such wonderful people for such a wonderful little boy! It looks like all the money needing to be raised for the dog is now raised!!!! Praise God!

So I have had something on my mind/heart for a few weeks now that I would really like to share with you. I was reading Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You about the loss of her daughter Audrey. She recounted a portion of a sermon she once heard and it has really stuck in my head. I am going to re post part of it from her book here. I would love to post the full 8 pages of this section, but that would be too much. I implore you to get a copy and read it, or even go to Amazon and look up pages 121-128. ( I wouldn't usually recommend this method but seriously if you can't get a copy of the book read it there!)  I greatly encourage you to ponder it, meditate on, live it out.....

 Days after the resurrection of Lazarus a celebration was held in honor of Jesus. Everyone was gathered around the Lord when Mary shattered a bottle of perfume and wiped the lavish scent across His feet with her hair. The scent was to be used in a society where bathing was not frequent so this particular nard was extremely pungent. A few drops would have been more than enough, but with out regard to cost, or what those around her might think she simply poured it all out as an act of worship. Many have speculated that Mary  was preparing her beloved savior for His death and burial, but our pastor went on to explain that-The scent of the perfume surely would have been on His skin a few days later when He was beaten and crucified. So in essence, every time a Roman soldiers whip hit Him, the scent of Mary's worship was released and rose all around Him. A reminder of who He was. 
As Mary and the others who loved Jesus watched Him, they were overcome with desperation. The Lord Himself cried out in hurt, and they stood helpless watching as the breath of this life left Him. At some point she left the site of the crucifixion and I imagine wandered the streets in sadness to visit and mourn with friends and family. Here is the part you many not have considered before now. Every where she went, every step of the way, she was followed. Every person she came into contact with, every stranger who saw her cry, every home she entered was being filled with something intangible, a gift that would be with her for many days to come. It was scent of love fore her Savior, and it was caught in her hair. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine the beauty of this image. She was carrying with her the invisible yet ever present reminder of who He was to her with out a single word she told His story over and over again. 

Taken from "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith pages 121,122,127,128

I would love to hear your feedback on this!