Monday, October 25, 2010

I Know that I Know......But Could Someone Just Tell My Heart??

I know that I have been absent for a while. That was not my intention, of course. I wanted to write, but I have had so much going on that my brain was just not working well enough to compose a post. Even now I wonder if publicly writing what is in my head might possibly the worst idea I have had in a long time.

In just a few short weeks we will have no income. Months ago my husband separated his shoulder. It has prevented him from working in the capacity that he always has, and as a result of that he has been unable to find work. Unemployment has helped, but it ends in a few weeks.
Also in a few weeks we are being asked to move. The landlord wants our space for an office. So with no income we will also be homeless. We have known this for a month, and I have remained calm.Until now.....

Today, I have been struggling greatly with TRUST (among other things). Do you ever just struggle over and over again with something and wonder if you will ever get it? Trust is that thing for me. The words that keep playing over and over in my mind today are trust, hope, faith, peace, grace, safety, provision. For weeks, even months I have done really well with these words. I have grown in them, I have seen, and experianced them. I have not doubted them.

 Then this weekend I woke up several times in the middle of the night totally panic stricken. The feeling has not yet left. I have let doubt creep in, fear, LOTS of fear, sadness, confusion, pain, and anger. I have allowed my circumstances to control my emotions rather than giving my emotions to my Father.
I am not sure what to do about it either. It is one thing to say have faith....it is quite another to get yourself to do just that.

 I know, that I know, that I know that God will take care of us. I also know that it will be His timing which is most commonly not my timing. That it will also be His way, which also has not commonly been my way. I know this. I know I am not forgotten. But my heart just doesn't hear me say that right now.

 So in light of this panic filled weekend, that seems to be slinking it's way into my week. I have spent time praying and searching, and getting in the word. I have spent time with others so as not to be alone in depression. Yet, I struggle. I worry. I panic.

So that is where I am at today. Seeking the Father. Trying not to cry. Knowing of His faithfulness, but not connecting it to my heart.

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