Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Post

Well, I had a dear friend ask me a little while ago if I'm going to get a new post up soon. I have a few ideas rambling around in my head, but have no time to post right now. So I am promising to be back soon (hopefully by the end of the week).
In the mean time I want to pose a question: what do you think I should write about???
I look forward to getting suggestions.
I'll be back to blog at you soon.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Potty Training Fiascoes

We have been working with Lily for a little while to potty train her, and all seems to be going well. She tells us most of the time, when she needs to go, and sometimes will just go on her own.
Yesterday was one of the "do it myself" times. We heard her in the bathroom but didn't think twice about it until we heard a piercing scream. We ran in the bathroom to find our tiny two year old wedged in the regular toilet. She had pushed the potty chair up to the toilet and used it as a stool. Sat down, then fell in. The only thing sticking out was her head and feet. Her butt sunk in the blue water completely. After many tears she calmed down, and we had a good discussion about her height not being compatible with the toilet. It seemed at the time she would not be attempting to use the big person potty soon.
So today, she decided to take a different approach to this over sized potty that she desired so much to use. I walked into the bathroom to find her standing in front of it, her hands holding down south to aim, as she was about to try the pee standing up method. I immediately stopped her, explained to her that girls can't preform this incredible trick, and asked her to use the little potty. Not a minute later I turned around to find her trying this neat trick again. At the little potty!
Oh the joys of potty training. She is usually so enthusiastic about it, and we don't want to do anything to change that.
I just don't know that laughing at these fiascoes is really helping much, but I thought if I'm going to laugh, I may as well share the funniness.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Truth and Trust

I'm having a hard time trusting God right now. I can't see anything ahead of us, except bad days. I don't understand. I want to know why. I just can't see the end, and am having a hard time with that.
I know he provides, but where is that provision?
I know he is always here, but why am I not comforted?
I know he is in control, so why is my world spinning?

I also know that trusting Him doesn't always make sense. That things can look bleak until the last second, and that sometimes, things don't get better.
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that right now.
I don't know how to have that much faith.

This night looks very long, and dark.
If I took a step back I would probably argue with myself right now. I would probably tell myself that God knows what he is doing, and to trust that.
Please pray, I know truth, it just isn't connecting very well right now.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Living Worship

My husband posted today on his blog Lucky Irishman, about our child in heaven and our child on earth worshiping the same God, together.
I want to expand on that a little. In heaven we will live a life of worship. Everything done in heaven is to praise a worthy God. My child in heaven spends his days living his heavenly life, walking with Jesus, praising an almighty God. His whole life consists of living in worship.
Our days on earth are full of sin, and selfishness, but aren't we supposed to also be living a life of worship? Doing everything to honor, and praise God? Now I know that in this life it's impossible to be perfect, but we are called to imitate the one who is perfect.(Ephesians 5:1) We are called to live a life fully following God.
One day all followers will be in heaven, alive, well, and worshiping. For now, we must do our best to live the way we will in heaven. Isn't that what following Christ is about?
I still have a daughter here on earth, and she likes to imitate everything we say, and do. If I want to teach her to follow Christ, shouldn't my life be and imitation of his? It seems to me that would be the best way for her to learn.
One day, when I am face to face with my baby I want to know that my life on earth was a glimpse of the life of worship I will be privileged to lead with him in heaven. I would love to lead that life here on earth with the child we've lost, but since I can't I want to be sure that I am living my life as close to his life of worship as I can. I want to be sure that I am showing my daughter a life of worship that will change her for all eternity. I want to live a life of worship for all my children.
More importantly I want to live a life of worship for my God, whom I will one day be blessed to worship at His feet.
What a beautiful thing it will be to live out worship in heaven (I'm a bit jealous of my baby for getting that opportunity before me~crazy, right?). Yet, what a privilege it is to live that life on earth, for my daughter to see.
What a beautiful thing.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Today

Today is my baby Jordan's due date.
Today is my day to be sad.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Pain is Never for No Reason

Yesterday, I met with one of the pastors at our church. I was dealing with a lot of stuff as our due date for our miscarried baby quickly approaches. One thing he said really stuck with me, "Pain is never for no reason. God isn't a jerk, he won't allow you to go through pain for no reason".
This is really simple, and yet profound. There is so much pain in the world. Sometimes the pain we go through seems harsh, useless, and unexplained. It makes you question God. Wonder why, and how he could allow it.
Yet, over and over in my mind all I hear is: pain is never for no reason. There is always a reason God allows us to go through pain. There is always something He is going to use it for. It's really hard to see that sometimes, but looking back it has always proven to be true. God has never allowed me to go through anything with out being there, teaching me, teaching others, comforting me, making me more aware of Him, and drawing me closer to Him.
I'm thinking, how different I could respond in life if I could just remember this simple truth. If I could just get myself firmly ground in this. How would my thoughts, speech, actions, and attitude change if I would just remember that God does not allow the pain in my life for no good reason.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Obedince

I have had several things on my mind today that I wanted to post. Unfortunately, this is not one of them. This may be just a rant. We'll see.
Lily has always had trouble sleeping. She doesn't go to sleep very well, and usually doesn't stay that way for more than a few hours before waking again. We have been working on getting her to go to sleep in her own bed, and then actually staying there. It seems like we have been working at this forever, with no progress. We have really tried to step that up here recently, because we are going away in two weeks, and Lily will be staying the whole weekend with my parents. She has never been away from us overnight.
So tonight, like every other, we put her to bed, and she got right back up. This happened again, and again, and again. Every time she got up, we put her right back to bed, after she not so happily faced her consequences of getting up in the first place. Also while putting her back to bed we would always talk to her about how she needs to listen and do what daddy, and mommy say. That this is obedience, and it's good to obey, God wants us to obey.
So this is a thought that ran through my mind tonight after telling her this, again, am I like my daughter when God commands me? Do I continually get up, and do the very thing that will bring me pain in the end? Does God bring me to a place that is good for me, and yet I get up, and go right back to what I want? Even though it will hurt. Even though it will not be best.
When I do not want to be where I am at I very rarely concider that maybe God put me here. Maybe God wants me here because it is best. When there is pain or concequences in my life I rarely concider that maybe it is because I have left the sometimes uncomfortable place God had me, and walked myself right into an even worse spot.*
That is what I see my daughter doing. I have placed her somewhere she doesn't really want to be, somewhere that she may not like. So she in turn gets up, and walks her self right out of it. Into what she wants. Which ends up leading to consequnces, always painful. Yet, even though I don't like these consequences any more than she does, we eventually come to the place I wanted/needed her to be all along.
In that place, she then finds comfort, rest, and peace. She grows, and flourishes there. I think if I were to be more obedient to God, and stay where he leads me, perhaps I too would find that comfort, and peace. Perhaps I too would grow.
This seems to be a very touchy subject in my mind. I am presently arguing with myself over some of the things I've said. Maybe I shouldn't post this, but I'm going to anyway.
One more thought: Does God get as frustrated with me as I do her?


*I am not talking about God punishing our disobedience. Some times there is pain in our lives because we are not following/obeying God and have stepped out from under him. As humans we can put ourselves in a place of hurt with our sin.
I also do not believe that all pain is caused by this. Sometimes we can be walking very closely with God, and still experience pain. Sometimes that pain is where he has us, and only He knows the reason.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Baby Clothes

Yesterday, we went through all of our daughters baby clothes. It was good, and very hard all at once.
We were told we wouldn't have children, and it took us about three years before God blessed us with Lily. She grew so fast that she really wasn't in any of her clothes very long until she reached about a year old. Yet, even though she didn't need those clothes, and the chances of us getting pregnant again were right back in the slim to none category, we still couldn't let go of those clothes.
So they have just sat in boxes, in the back of a closet. When we moved, those clothes came with us. When we cleaned out closets, those clothes stayed right were they had always been. Eight months ago we were amazed to find out that we were again receiving a blessing in the form of the baby. A week later our baby was gone.
So now I have been left with all these baby clothes that I have no use for. My sweet daughter can no longer wear them, and my precious baby will never need them.
This saddens me. I have been faced with a situation that calls for me to go through these clothes. So that is what I did. Five hours of grueling work. Heartbreakingly, folding up, boxing, and removing these clothes from my house.
I recognize the fact that it was good for me to let go of these clothes. I have been hanging on to something materialistic, something that makes me feel depressed anytime I see them. Boxing those clothes up was a way of letting go of something that could only hurt to hang on to.
Yet, at the same time, in the mist of this being healing, it also hurts. I am letting go of a dream, of a hope. Knowing that I have clothes for "just in case" was a comforting thought. Getting rid of them makes me feel like having another baby is a little less likely to ever happen. I know this sounds silly, but I'm hoping you will understand, at least a little bit of what I am saying.
Then there was a whole other hurt that came with getting rid of the baby clothes. Our baby that we lost at the beginning of this year would have been due very soon. Our due date is in three days. I had these running thoughts while sorting clothes that I should be using these clothes in the next week or two. I should be having a baby to wear our baby clothes, and instead they are going out the door.
Those clothes got use for such a short time, and I feel cheated to not be able to use them now. Now when I should be due with a healthy baby, and am not.
Now don't get me wrong, although I am still letting God work on how I feel about the loss of my baby, I do understand that he is all powerful, and in control. God always does the best for his children, so now it is a matter of learning to trust my heavenly daddy.