Yesterday, we went through all of our daughters baby clothes. It was good, and very hard all at once.
We were told we wouldn't have children, and it took us about three years before God blessed us with Lily. She grew so fast that she really wasn't in any of her clothes very long until she reached about a year old. Yet, even though she didn't need those clothes, and the chances of us getting pregnant again were right back in the slim to none category, we still couldn't let go of those clothes.
So they have just sat in boxes, in the back of a closet. When we moved, those clothes came with us. When we cleaned out closets, those clothes stayed right were they had always been. Eight months ago we were amazed to find out that we were again receiving a blessing in the form of the baby. A week later our baby was gone.
So now I have been left with all these baby clothes that I have no use for. My sweet daughter can no longer wear them, and my precious baby will never need them.
This saddens me. I have been faced with a situation that calls for me to go through these clothes. So that is what I did. Five hours of grueling work. Heartbreakingly, folding up, boxing, and removing these clothes from my house.
I recognize the fact that it was good for me to let go of these clothes. I have been hanging on to something materialistic, something that makes me feel depressed anytime I see them. Boxing those clothes up was a way of letting go of something that could only hurt to hang on to.
Yet, at the same time, in the mist of this being healing, it also hurts. I am letting go of a dream, of a hope. Knowing that I have clothes for "just in case" was a comforting thought. Getting rid of them makes me feel like having another baby is a little less likely to ever happen. I know this sounds silly, but I'm hoping you will understand, at least a little bit of what I am saying.
Then there was a whole other hurt that came with getting rid of the baby clothes. Our baby that we lost at the beginning of this year would have been due very soon. Our due date is in three days. I had these running thoughts while sorting clothes that I should be using these clothes in the next week or two. I should be having a baby to wear our baby clothes, and instead they are going out the door.
Those clothes got use for such a short time, and I feel cheated to not be able to use them now. Now when I should be due with a healthy baby, and am not.
Now don't get me wrong, although I am still letting God work on how I feel about the loss of my baby, I do understand that he is all powerful, and in control. God always does the best for his children, so now it is a matter of learning to trust my heavenly daddy.