Sunday, October 26, 2008

Red Roses

My husband brought me flowers this morning. Three beautiful red roses with baby's breath. He said he was looking for something, then headed outside, and took the car. When he came back he was carrying the flowers in the door.
I can count, possibly on one hand, the number of times he has gotten me flowers. It is always sweet, and loved when he does this. To think, we've been together about six and a half years, and he still likes to do little things for me. I makes my heart beat for him.
When I asked him why he decided to do this for me he said; I know you had a hard day yesterday, and I wanted to make you feel better.
Thank you my love for caring, and trying to make me better. I love you.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


So many words float through my head in a day's time.
Tired, stressed, worried, worn out, selfish, angry, distressed, alone, broken.
Quiet, peace, rest, hope, strength, simple, fresh, life, natural, redeemed.
For all the words that float in my head, some of these words seem to sink in my daily life. The words that I want to represent me seem to always sink to the bottom, while the ones I really don't want present in my life always seem to be floating right at the surface.
I am a selfish person, especially of late. I want things to be done my way, in my time. Heck, I want MY time. I am angry, and hurting. I don't understand all the things that happen. I want some things to be different, and get angry when I can't have it my way (again with the selfishness). I am tired, worn, and worried. So much has happened in my life, I just want a break.
I am alone, and broken. Oh there are people around me, all the time in fact. Yet I feel alone. I feel my pain is just....., that there is no one else to hold me up when I can't anymore. I like being alone, but this is a different kind of alone. Isolated. Sad. My brokenness sometimes consumes me. I feel like I have emotion in a cracked glass, leaking through. Sometimes I just wait for the pressure to shattered me completely.
I feel no peace.I long for peace. I live in a world where everything is busy, and stressful. I wish for quietness. I thrive in the quiet. The banging in my life seems to be getting louder and louder. I don't know what to do anymore. I am pleading, and crying out. In the end all I feel is more worn out than before.

Tonight I spent some time looking at some of these words. I used two sources: the Webster's dictionary, and God's words.
Brokenness in this sense is defined as: made weak, infirm.
I also found another definition: not complete or full. This idea of brokenness seems good to me, because if I am not complete that leaves room for God to really work on me. To make me full.
Peace according to Webster is a state of tranquility or quiet. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. To use interjectionally to ask for silence or calm.
Rest is a peace of mind or spirit.
Redeemed means: to by back, to free from what distresses or harms, and to change for the better.
Thank you God for all these great words that you can bring to my life! All of these meanings speak to my spirit, they nourish my soul. I am in waiting for God to bring these things into my life. For I know my God can do anything.

His words say this:
John 14:25-27
These things I have spoken to you while being present with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.

He gives peace. It's not of this world, but of the spiritual world. His Holy Spirit was sent to teach and in that bring us peace. He tells me not to be troubled or afraid. Again He says:

Isaiah 41:9-10,13
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, You are My servant. I have chosen you, and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you Fear not, I will help you.

Wow, God holds my hand. He upholds me with His hand. He will strengthen me, help me. He has chosen me, called me. Most importantly, He is with me. He tells me not to have fear. He tells me to not be dismayed.
There are so many words in my life. I want His words, His peace. His life flowing though mine. Upholding me.

This is the kind of peace I hope for in my life. God bring it about in fullness.

One more verse, one of my favorites, is Isaiah 61:3. I could talk so much on this one verse, but for tonight, I will just show it to you. Tell me what you think, and I will soon tell you my thoughts.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Enduring Hope

Our Hope Endures
Natalie Grant
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness, but she marches on?
Oh, cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

I added music to my blog last night, and this is one song that I really wanted and couldn't find. I feel like she is talking about me, although I can't say that my hope is always that strong. There are days when I wonder haven't we had enough. That my body just wants to give out, and I just want a break. For the sun to shine for a while instead of hiding it's warmth.
I am thankful though that I know even when I don't feel hopeful, God's hope is enough. Knowing that He is in control, and will at very minimum be beside us should be enough to sustain me. So many days I fail to remember that. So many days God uses little things to remind me that Hope~in Him~is enough to make the earth quake.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

New Background with Annoying Ad

Alright, well as you can see I've added a background to my blog. I really like it, but am having one problem, I can't get the image advertisement off. It keeps following every post, and covering up the post title. Very frustrating. I would really like to keep the background, so if any one knows how to get the ad off I would appreciate some help. In the mean time, I left clicked on the image and then right clicked on "block images from...." This removed it from my page, but when I looked at the blog under my husbands account it was still there. So I guess until we figure out how to remove this image completely I suggest you block the image the same way I did.
If this is too much of a problem I will just remove the background completely. Just let me know how this is working for you.
Also, if we can figure this out, the site that I got the background from had over 200 backgrounds, all free! Might be something to check out.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

What is God doing? My life on a roller coaster.

My life has been a roller coaster for the last few weeks....months.....years, who knows. It always seems to be one thing after another, and I am left crying "God what are you doing? Why???!!!"
My husband Brian has been searching for a job for almost two months now, and the area we live in is in such distress when it comes to jobs. We are barely making it, not even getting all our bills payed. In the mist of this we have taken in my sister, and although we want to help her, it is of course a finical stress, among other things. My daughter has lead poisoning, and that is a whole other post. Then there is the whole I'm unhealthy and can't get pregnant bit.
I just don't know what to see in this. What is He saying, and what am I supposed to be learning? I just wrote in my journal; I am not strong enough for this. A big part of me wants to think of all the things I've made it through in my life, and say; Girl, you came out of that ok, and you will this too. I just think I'm a different person now. That person may have been able to handle parting with babies, and taking care of a sick one, living off nothing, and almost dying for crying out loud, but I just don't feel like I can do this. I am an emotional mess.
I so did not want my blog to be a place of complaints. I hate it when others just go on and on about all the things they think are so hard in their lives. I really do have a list of good things to blog on, stuff that has been on my mind, I'm just unsure why I can't seem to snap out of this long enough to write on those things.
So the really honest portion of this rant starts now. I don't know what God is doing, and it scares me. I am angry at people who abuse my love for them. I am upset that my life is upside down, and returning to normal seems now where in sight. I am sad that I can't seem to be who I want to be, who I hope God wants me to be. I am frustrated with people who are ungrateful for all the things God has put before them. I am down right furious at people who think they can raise my daughter better than I can, and have no problem telling me so, and even stepping in.
It is completely depressing to me that in addition to these people, I too have done every one of these things to myself.
I was reading my ~About Me~ on the left side of my blog today, and realized that I said I crave for my life to be as natural, simple, and beautiful as possible, and it feels like nothing in my life comes even close to resembling that.
Well, now that I've thrown all this crap out into web land for all of you to read I will try to make an effort to be kinder, and uplifting in the next post.

Monday, October 6, 2008


Well, I wrote this a week ago, and had no intention of publishing it. Once I read it I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy I sounded, and of course didn't want others to see that unstable, craziness about me. A friend actually told me I should post it, and after briefly thinking about it, I decided who cares what everyone else thinks of my insane feelings. Most of you have probably felt this way at one point or another, and if you haven't well, do you live in the real world? So here is what I was going through a week ago, and maybe still going through now.

My life is so crazy right now. I hardly feel in control. I am exhausted, and just plain worn out. There has been so much going on, and I think my thoughts, everything going through my mind, and all that I've been feeling are even much more crazy than my daily life.
I feel fragile, and on the verge of breaking. My life is a tornado, and I am caught in the middle, I can't get out.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Four Person Family

At the beginning of this year we thought that we would be having another baby, resulting in a four person family. We thought that by the end of Sept. we would have another child in our home. This obviously is not the case.
To our surprise though, we are now a four person family. Today is Oct. 1st, and a week ago today my sister moved in with us. Although she is 23, she still hasn't taken on the full mindset of being an adult yet, and needed a place to just be for a while.
In January, I never would have imagined getting my four person family in this form, but here it is.
It hadn't really occurred to me in this way until Sat afternoon. Our table has been set up for three people. I decided that with Brooke here that needed to change. As I was pulling our table out away from the wall my husband said to me "What are you doing?". Without thinking I responded, "Making room for our family". That is when the thought popped into my head. We have four people in our family.
OK I know I'm sounding redundant here. I have a point. I wanted so badly to have a fourth in our home. I deeply wanted that fourth to be a baby. Well, God gave me my fourth. She is not a baby, and as sad as not having a baby is, I am still grateful. Although I am still trying to see how to make this work, and what God is doing. I am also brought to the realization that God works in so many ways we would never expect. God sees what we want, and although not always, he usually brings that about, even if it's in a completely different way than we asked for. Although I have so many questions, and mixed feelings about all of this, I am reminding myself everyday, this is an opportunity. One that God has given, perhaps in response to my request. I must seek Him. I must breath God in so that He can breath out through me. I must keep close in my thoughts; this is a person that needs me, what can I do today? I must show love.
My family has grown, not in any ways that I was hoping, or wanting, but in ways that God has brought about for a reason. Therefore, I am happy to serve. To make the best of what He has given. Although I know there will be hard days, I am glad to have a fourth.