Thursday, December 18, 2008

Only God

How do you have joy in the mist of sadness? I am still learning that. I am still trying to figure out how to rely on God in my pain. He brings me closer to Him, but there are times that I forget to lean in, to lay my head in his lap.
Today we went to a viewing for a 7 month old baby girl. It was heartbreaking. I kept watching the mother wander around. She looked so lost, and far away. I kept crying out to God for her, there was nothing else I could do.
The casket was open. What a beautiful little girl she was. So tiny, so still. It felt so wrong just looking at her. My heart longed to pick her up, and hold her because that is what is right. Babies aren't supposed to be laying in stillness, they are to be held, played with, and loved to bits.
God knows my heart, even when I don't understand His. He can comfort.
Later in the night I was honest with a friend. So honest, I think I disappointed her. I am not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to be ok.
Tonight, my heart is calling for a soothing peace that only God can give.

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