It is after 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm not sure if this has any thing to do with the pepsi my husband gave me at 10pm or if my lack of sleep comes from not being able to stop my thoughts tonight. I have so many thoughts racing in my head that I'm not even sure I will be able to capture them, but I am going to try and do so here.
It has been 11 months since my miscarriage. We are coming up on that one year mark and it is looming before me in some not so quiet ways. I am forever reminded of what we have lost. Not that I would ever forget, of course, but there are things and events that make it even more apparent that our Jordan is gone. I thought that we would have a 3 month old baby to show off at holiday dinners. We have been trying to get a family photo done for a while but it feels so wrong only three of us will be there. Our church has always been over run with pregnancy and newborns, now is not any different, and certainly not any easier. Then there is our crib that we have brought back in our home to keep Lily in her room, but seeing it, thinking about Jordan....We have given away most of the baby items.
I'm sure you understand that I miss my baby, I don't need to tell you any more. Moving on. Like I said, many thoughts in my head.
I have a dear friend that is on my mind tonight. She too has survived the loss of a baby. I say survived because losing a baby is not something you ever get over, you just learn how to live again. My dear friend is now pregnant again. The baby is doing well, while making her very sick. It is so bitter sweet for me. Although I have fears for her (God take them again, I think I keep picking them back up) I am also so happy for her, and her family. I feel like this baby is God's grace redeeming her womb. There is beauty coming out of the pain.
Mom you are in my thoughts too. My sweet mother has many children waiting for her hugs in heaven. What a glorious day it will be to hold our precious little ones.
Right now though, I am also thinking of the little ones we can hold. Our babies that God let us keep. That is what I tell Lily: you are my one and only baby that God let me keep. She just smiles and nods. So sweet.
She is getting older and acts it. It is amazing and scary, and a little sad to watch.
Today I was reading a woman's blog and was struck by her words: The worst thing that could ever happen is to have one of my children reject God. I got to thinking about that. Death could happen, but if it is with God there is still hope. To be with out God is to live in death with no hope. The thought of my child going through that distresses me to no end. Then came more thoughts and with it a little poking from the holy spirit. My purpose as a mother is to live my life as an example to my child that will lead her strait to the Father. Have I done that so far as a mother? Of course not. I could say that no one is perfect, but I know the truth is most of the time I fail because of my own selfishness. I watch tv, or read, or sit around idle. I put others needs before those of my child. I could go on, but again, you understand.
So where have my thoughts lead me? To this: our children will see Christ mainly through us. What are we showing them? What are we teaching them? What needs to change?
A note on this last question; there are things in our lives that we can change, and things in our lives that only God can change. Be very careful to separate the two.
Our children, and even our husbands will be spiritually impacted by the way we live our lives. In what way are we impacting them? Wow, what a question! I could keep going on this, but I feel no need to. Conviction and prodding are already at work here.
I am trying to keep my random thoughts to a minimum. I hope I'm not jumping around to much for you. I am also trying to keep this post honest, but not despairing, but really I think I'm just being who I am.
So two things before I sign off, please pray for us as we are without a baby either in our arms or in my belly this holiday and it has taken it's toll on our emotions, and hope.
On a lighter note, Lily has learned the song "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" Which is to say she knows only that particular line of the song. It is very amusing though to hear her sing it over and over again, as loudly and off key as possible. All the way to town and back.