Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Heart Aches and Random Writings

My heart has been stumbling for weeks through a valley. The dark kind, full of self hate talk, rejection, hurt, worthlessness, torment, anger, and emotion. Most of these things directed at myself.
I know of others who have, and are still struggling with some of the same things.
I have been hurt, and hurt others, and this all leads to a very ungodly heart attitude. Sorrow has been living in my heart. My husband told me tonight that I need to take out all the trash in my life. He told me by that he means all the situations that cling to me and pull me down.

I had this dialog with my self a week ago:

Where do broken hearts go to heal?
"God"

How does He heal them?
"With His love"

How does He show His love?
"Through His word~The beauty He creates~The blessings He gives~Time with Him"

How do I receive His love?
"Come to Him~Be still in Him~Breath Him in"

This is so hard to do. To remember, and to live it out on a daily basis seems impossible. Oh Lord, help me.

I read this the other day: When you believe in God your life is a psalm. It will record your downbeats of doubt as you cry out to God with your troubles, and it will chronicle your chords of exultation as he helps you and gives you the desires of your heart.
The theme of your life will be God's faithfulness to you. for when all your days have been documented you will undoubtedly report that He never fails you.

This spoke to me because so many times I run to the psalms when my heart is broken. It is a true book of open emotion that leaves me feeling a little less alone. To think of my life as a psalm, as a work of art, open emotion, well that is something sweet for my soul.

There are so many of the Psalms that I love. I read them over and over again. When I need comfort I come to Psalms 34, and62 and 63. Also Isaiah 43: 1-3a, Jeremiah 17: 7-10
Then there is Philippians 1:6 This verse came to mind for a dear friend yesterday, and I could not remember where to find it. This is for you sweet woman of God.
Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
I encourage all of you to read these scriptures today. Meditate on them, then be still and listen to God. Wait on Him to speak to you....He will.

Here is one more piece of writing then I'm back to bed (I got up to write out of fear that I would not remember any of it in the morning)

I am so tired.
In the dark nights I wait.
The sound of your voice is no longer apparent to me.
I close my eyes and whisper into the night.
I wait....
and again no response.
Are you there God?
Do you hear me?

Ah yes, there you are.
In the sound of the rain.
In my baby's repetitive breath.
In the beauty of the stillness all around me.

I feel you in the calm that you have brought to my spirit.
And in the joy you bring to my soul.

1 comment:

Suzie said...

I LOVE this girl!!! It is in the worst moments of life sometimes that God can manifest himself so much more clearly!! I love this writing... Love you girl!!