Thursday, April 23, 2009

So Much Going On

It has been a long time since I've posted. Part of me is really not sure what to say. It has been a long but very personal month. So much has happened, and it honestly it has left me very overwhelmed.
Lily was sick last week. The kind of sick that really gets you worried. She started out with the flu. It came out of no where, and just didn't let up. With in the first day she had to be taken in for IV fluids. It is a sad, and scary thing to see your baby hooked up to an IV. It continued for days, and the doctor's recommendation was drink. So she drank, and it came right back up. She developed a UTI The doctor said it must have been caused by the catheter at the hospital. So irritating. The problem was she couldn't keep down the meds for it. I felt so helpless. They finally agreed to give her something to stop the puking-after 5 days of it! She is better now. Worn out a bit more during the day, but better.
My husband started a new job last week. Praise God. He is only supposed to be part time, but for now can get extra hours. So by Fri night he will have worked 36 hours. We hope to see the hours continue, but I know that it could change at a moments notice, and am just trying to leave it in God's hands. In the mean time, he works the night shift. Lily is not doing well with this. She has had her Daddy putting her to bed for the last two years. Ever since he stopped working the night shift. So to suddenly not have Him here at bed time has produced a lot of screaming, and crying. I am hoping she adjusts soon.
We are looking for a place to live. This is probably one of the hardest things going on in my life now. I do not want to look, pack, move, and unpack. I am really hating the idea of this. We have called so many places. The problem we have is finding something in our price range that is lead free. So far nothing has come up. I know that I need to be trusting God right now. Trust is something I have always had an issue with. I am doing better though. Trusting would mean relaxing about it, and I am starting to do that. We have 5 weeks yet at the very longest to be out of the place we are living. It feels like moving out came very suddenly for us. Like it was just dropped in our lap. That is hard for me. I try to live a slow simple really I do. So I don't fair well when things are suddenly heaped on me. I just keep reminding my self that God has a plan for everything, and if we haven't found a place to live yet then he must have one for us. I just hope he shows us soon :)
There are still a few other situations in my life that are hard, but I don't want to talk about those just yet. I do want to share with you what God has been teaching me through them though.
Have you ever realized just how selfish we all are? There are so many things that make me want my own way. Times that I put me first. I have been trying to keep God in the center of everything, but so many times I want to put me in the middle of it all. My feelings, and rights, and wants always creep up. God is showing me that the only way my life will work well, is with Him being my focus. I have always been at loss as to how to do that. So I have started getting in the word. I have started spending time with Him. Tuning my heart, and mind to notice God, when I might not have before. It is a working progress.
I have also come to realize that I have a very hard time saying I'm sorry. I have a hard time repenting. I have a hard time confessing, and asking forgiveness. I also have a hard time forgiving. I am still daily in a constant struggle to do this. I know that my heart is hard in this area, God has shown me that. He is slowly chipping away at the hardness. I have also come up with so visual aids (will explain in a later post) to make myself see my sin. If it is in front of me I will have no choice but to deal with it. I can't stand the sight of anything being messy.
My time is another area that God is working on. I spend so much of it running around like a madwoman then being lazy to recuperate from the craziness. It is a poor use of time, and because so many areas in my life are still lacking, it is also a misuse of my time. God has really been speaking to me about slowing down, but not to a lazy point. A lot of the line of thinking I have now started with the Passover (this post is long enough, I will share my thoughts on Passover and how this all started later) We have set guidelines for ourselves to slow down, yet not become lazy. The problem we have had is sticking to them. It is of course something we will have to continue to work at.
I have also set focuses for my day. I am the kind of person that will make a list and try to do everything because I feel I have to do it once it's there. God has really put it on my heart to pick three things a day to focus on, and once those are done then I go to my list. My first "focus" of course is my time with Him. If I don't do anything else that day I need to have my time with God. My second is my family. If I don't get the house clean, I have at least spent time with my family. My third is to create one thing a day. I long to be creative, it a yearning that God puts in each of us. He is the creator, and has created us in His image, therefore we also are to create. It brings us closer to Him. It is also a really good release for emotions. I am also learning to redefine my definition on create. I am creating right now with this post. I create when I cook, when I rearrange my living room, there are so many ways to create. It is not about doing something fancy, it is about the attitude you have! Of course none of these things take all day, so I still get other things done. This is just my basis for the day. The foundation that I lay my day upon.
Well, I think this post is by far long enough. :) There are still so many things in my heart to share, mostly it is a matter of sorting them out first. I will try to be back soon. Now I am going to go create some baked oatmeal for my family.

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