Our town has a mini festival every month. It is called first Fridays, because the first Friday of every month the town comes to life. Vendors come out, live music beckons us, the shops have sales, and the kids run and play. Different events take place every month giving young and old something new to look forward to. If you come, plan on running into people you know, the ones you haven't seen in a really long time. Community fills the streets.
This is what happened to me. I saw people, and enjoyed it. All but one. One tiny little person made my heart break. I ran into a family that we had not seen in a few months. We were at one time close with them, but in the while not so much. The thing is, they have a baby. He was due just two weeks after the baby we lost was due. They would be the same age. It is always bittersweet to see him. I am glad that they have him. I was never one to want others to hurt, but it is always so hard to see him. This time he was so much bigger than I remembered. Still a baby, but not quite as little. He is just at the right size to snuggle with.
I can't believe sometimes how I can be moving in a direction where I think I am healing, and suddenly just lose it all. I stood there next to my friend holding her baby. Stunned into uncomfortable silence, hoping she didn't notice. All I could do for that one moment was stare at him. All I could do was think, this is what my baby would be like now. The size, the way he sat on her hip, the hair coming in, and so many expressions on his face.
Our friends don't argue over who gets to hold the baby, because there is one for each of them to hold.
That horrifying thought in my head, sometimes it just plays over and over. This is what it would be like. This is how my baby would be. Oh my God, this is what we are missing.
God you know best.