Alright, well I said I was going to post about prayer, so here it is.
I have never been one who is very good at praying. For a portion of my childhood we were taught to pray before meals, before bed, and when someone is sick. My dad almost always used the same memorized prayers, that I could probably quote to you this day. My mother, who we heard a little less often, prayed from her heart what ever words came out.
I do have very fond memories of a prayer group that my mother went to for years. A group of women from our church met at one woman's home every Tuesday. They spent most of the time in prayer, and although I was required to stay in the playroom with the other children, I didn't always. I would go out and sit and listen to them pray, and there was something so honest and pure about it. I have often thought in my adult life, if I could just be like that...if I could just be like them.
As an adult I have not had a very easy life, and there have been times that I wanted nothing to do with God, and times that I could go no other place but at His feet. Prayer has been a back and forth kind of thing for me. I know it is wrong, but have not known how to stay on track.
Recently, God has again been working hard in my life, and there have been some very worrisome, and painful situations. Just a few short weeks ago I was asking God, "What do I do? How do I fix this? Show me how to make this better."
Well, God just keep pressing on my heart to pray. While I was a the library I was drawn to the books on prayer. While I was working on my daily to do list, I felt pressed to pray. Everywhere and everything felt like a reminder to me to pray. So I did. I prayed to God and told him, "I don't know how to pray. It feels weird to me. I don't know what to do." So I sat down with one of the books on prayer, and started reading. I read about all the different things I could pray about. I grabbed one of my many journals and wrote to God about the first thing on their list. Writing. That I can do. That is a form of prayer. I have done it almost every day since.
I picked up one of the other prayer books, and the first thing it talked about was a man. This man showed his lover so much affection, so much love. He gave her flowers, and poems, letters, good foods, songs, and conversation. She in return talked to him, occationally. The writer then went on to say that this is a representation of how we are with God. He gives us all that He is, and sometimes we talk to Him. It made me so sad, because it is so true. I am trying to show God my love for him in the things I create, in the way I go about my day.
What I am trying to do is change my whole way of thinking. It is hard. It is also very rewarding. I am enjoying the timeI spend writing my prayers to God, creating things, and the new mindset that I am working on. It has even helped me just talk to God. Now I am able to talk to God while I am going about my day. It is not always easy, but it has vastly improved over the last few weeks. I still don't want to pray aloud with others, but I'm sure that will come too.
Of course, God is giving me plenty to pray about. That is one thing I wish would not happen. When God calls you to pray, there will be things that rise up to pray about, and my trust issues don't like that so much.
Yet, one more thought I have is doesn't trusting God, and praying go hand in hand? I guess that is also something he is working on. Trusting him. I think praying is a good start.