Monday, August 2, 2010

I Am A Pin Cushion

As a child I was really good at finding things with my feet. Rusty nails, glass, pins, needles, and the occasional odd item. If something broke, and we were not sure if it had all been swept up the joke was, just wait, Amber will find it. Well, it hurts! Stepping on things, being poked, then pulling the object out. Not to mention the blood was a pain to deal with. Have you ever tried to walk while bleeding out your foot with out getting it on the floor? Oh, and try keeping your balance when something suddenly stabs the thing you are balancing on!

I tell you this because tonight I feel jabbed. Those feelings of long ago (or just last week) of being jabbed in the foot with something sharp are very present tonight. This time though it's not just my feet. I feel like I have been poked, jabbed, prodded, and stabbed with pins. All over my soul. At this present moment, my soul is a pin cushion. You remember those right? The little red tomato looking things that your mom/grandma wore on her wrist while she sewed? I would watch my mom take pins out of clothing as it passed under the needle, and jab it quickly into her pin cushion. It looked violent.

My soul is jabbed with failure. I feel it. I see it. I hear it. I know it.

Walking out the door while my daughter is screaming because mom has taken a lot of time for herself, and none for her girl. Failure. Pin prick.
House is a mess, dishes piled up, floor hasn't been mopped in a while. No order. Another pin prick. Another stab of failure to my soul.
No money. No gas. No bills being paid out of my own pocket. Failure.Poke. Jam. Jabbed.
Child behind developmentally. Not making time to work with her. Failure. Double stab.
Claiming to be a writer. Not writing. Not creating. Failure. Ouch...
Hurting my husband instead of blessing him. Failure. Pin prick.
Being jealous of friends blessings. Their ability to thrive, to do things, buy things, to not worry. Failure. Pins.
My child causes trouble every time she is at a friend's house. Failure. Prodding.
No job. No income. No provision. Failure. Pain. Stabbings.
Infertility. Not giving him another child. Her a sibling. Missing out again while others succeed. Failure. P..I..N...
Not loosing weight. Shopping with others, no clothes in my size. Knowing I'm twice as big as you. Not being attractive. Trying and getting nowhere. Not being healthy. FAILURE! Forget the pins...did a piano just fall on me?


I know that I mean more to God than this. But, I don't know that I mean more to me than this. Not tonight. I am a pin cushion. Failure are my pins. I am being pricked.

2 comments:

The Schmidts said...

Hey Amber,
This entry makes me sad for your hurting.
You are not alone! We all feel failures in different ways. I struggle all the time with priorities. I try to remind myself that I have to live my day to glorify God. So often I want to make sure I've made Steve proud or been the best mommy but I know that at the root, if I glorify God in my day all the rest will line up. Take baby steps in your days & enjoy the moments when you have done well. Here is a good verse reminder that is just hard to always follow...
The fruit of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. Isaiah 21:17
Love ya!

Amy Bowman said...

Your courage, your heart, your writing--amazing.
You gave me chills. You gave what my soul longs for-someone willing to be real and voice what we all, at times, feel.
THANK YOU!
That "F" word (ha) has haunted me. I've done incredible battle with that word. I think I've had huge victory, then that stupid enemy, the accuser, whispers lies.
I try to counteract with truth, and battles are won, at least some:)
Truth that has helped me:
"He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it"
"Resist the devil, and he will FLEE from you"
"My mercies are new every morning"
"I DELIGHT in you, my child"
"I will NEVER leave you, or forsake you"

Please keep sharing your heart. You have stepped out in faith, brave faith. Do not doubt. Continue to be strong and courageous and real.
Blessings to you!!!