Take this Burden and Pray

I don't know if I have ever been so sad. I know that I have, but in the sad moments of life doesn't it feel like the worst? A friend is hurting. I have come to love this man. He has been a part of my husbands life for 22 years. They are brother's even though blood would prove otherwise. That in and of it's self is enough to love him. My husband doesn't have very good relationships with most of his family. This man is more family than my husband has ever known. Yet it's more than that. I have known him for about 10 years. We have all suffered a great deal, and walked through so much together. He has always taken care of me and looked out for...I am his "brothers wife" after all. A safe place to talk.

A few weeks ago this friend's dad died. His family came. They were not here for support and help. They hurt him. He has always been used and unwanted by most of the people in his life. His family was the worst. Imagine if not only does your family not want you, but then used you in every way they could because of it. They have always taken every ounce of him that they can, tearing him down, and leaving his heart beaten after every encounter. He could never walk away. He didn't know how to say no. He only knew that they were family, and he would do anything for them because of it. God placed in this man a deep desire to help people. It has brought him so much pain.

He has struggled for years and years with addictions, and self hate. He has always been self destructive but usually keeps control on it. He is a christian man. He could tell you more about the Bible than anyone I know. Oh if this man had a different life he would make an awesome pastor!!! He knows and loves God. He tries (like everyone else) to follow the steps of Jesus. He fails. He falls. He hurts. He stands back up.

Last night he could not stand back up. He hurt to much. He talked to my husband. Brian drove an hour to see him. They took a drive. They cried. They hugged. They have never been closer. The hurt is too much for our friend to handle.

He said he was glad that he talked to my husband that night and not me. His reason...because my husband is stronger than I am, and would handle what he had to say better. I think he knows I would have tried to reason logic into him before accepting what he had to say. (Not saying that my husband didn't throw God's word at him a few times.) When it comes down to losing someone I love...he is right, Brian is stronger. I cried just listening to my husband talk about the night.

There is so much I cannot tell you. So much that is privet and personal. I will tell you this. Our family. My husband, myself, my daughter. We love and care about this man. He is hurting. I don't know if I have ever seen someone in so much emotional distress, and that is saying a lot. I am pleading with you today. Please, please pray for him. He needs to be lifted up to God. We, all of us, are his brothers and sisters. Please take him to God today. Please also pray for us. The choices he is making will leave a deep hole in our lives. This sorrow is to much of a burden to carry alone. Please lift some of it for me by praying for him.....

Thank you all so much.

His Ways

Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."


Every day Lily asks me; "Mommy, you happy?" Like everyone else I am not happy everyday, but usually I can say "your smile makes me happy" or something like that in those moments. She just wants to know that something makes me happy. I honestly think it is joy she is asking about, and I have taken a lot of time lately to contemplate this, and will probably post about it soon.

Today I couldn't even muster up a small amount of happiness for her. She is sick again, and it makes my heart so sad. I am not a person prone to crying. I am much more likely to get angry than cry, but right now I cannot stop crying! I was holding my little girl this morning. Her fever warming us both as she fussed in my lap, and the tears just streamed down. She kept telling me that water was falling from my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. When she realized that I was not happy she got very sad herself, and started telling me over and over again; "I sorry, I sick mommy. I sorry I sick." Wow. Talk about some massive heart break!

As I have said before, last winter was hard with back to back illnesses. I have had some fear that this winter will be the same, and so far it has proven me right. I just cannot seem to handle it. Last year I carried on with life, cleaned the house, made the meals, and took care of my baby. This year I seem to be paralyzed on the couch with her. My house is still a mess, and my heart is an even bigger mess.

God and I have been talking today! I know His ways are not my ways. Yet I really want them to be. I really want my baby healthy! I really want to have a normal life. Today we were supposed to make Christmas cookies, and we couldn't go because of sickness. Two weeks ago we missed church. Life goes on for others, and I know that many have been affected by illness this year, yet it seems like they bounce back so much quicker while we are sitting still, dealing with one thing after another. (Yes, I know this is a selfish rant, and that many others have it much worse than we do. I am thankful everyday that we do not deal with some of the health problems of others. I am just sharing the struggles of my day. Hope you understand that.)

I do not feel emotionally able to handle sickness this year. I do not understand God's ways, and am having a really hard time trusting Him right now. It was so much of a struggle for us to have a child, and now we struggle so hard to keep her healthy. I just want to stomp my foot and tell God I don't want your ways if this is it. Yet, I know I must trust my heavenly daddy. I know that He is in control and sees so much more than I see. I know that His ways are greater than mine, even if I struggle with His ways. I know, I know, I know....could someone please connect it with my heart?

All day I have been repeating Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the LORD."

I don't know if I am taking comfort from it, hoping it will go back and change my day, or if I am trying to convince myself of this truth. I think mostly I am just trying to change my attitude with this scripture. I guess I should keep trying.
I know that God's word speaks to us, and changes us, so I will continue to lean on that.

Emotions have drained me, and now I am very tired. I may go join Lily for a nap. Please continue to pray health for Lily, and strength for me. If God chooses health I will be thrilled, but if that is not His way right now...I am gonna need strength!

Work It Out, Baby!

Working out...don't you love it? I do. What I really hate though is finding the motivation to get up off my rump and actually do it! Once I start I love it. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the thought of what it could make me. I just love it. So why is it so hard to get motivated? I really don't know.

I started working out with a friend 6ish weeks ago. We decided to do the Biggest Looser Boot camp work out. Every two weeks we went up a level so by week 5 we were on the toughest level and working our butts off for an hour 5 days a week. Right around week 5 we also stopped working out together. We had a few days that it just didn't work to get together so her husband joined her, and they have been doing it together ever since. I finished out week 5 and started on week 6. I did about 3 days of that finial week and when I weighed I found out that I had gained 3 pounds. My friend has (so far) lost about 10 pounds, and while I am very happy for her I knew than I could not continue doing the program with out getting very frustrated and quitting all together. I also knew that I probably wouldn't have kept doing a program that took me an hour every day by myself. I think my body just needed something different. So I switched to Jillian's (another Biggest Looser coach) 30 day Shred. Their work outs were very similar so I knew it would be challenging enough. After 6 weeks of working my body hard, I needed a challenge, something easier would not have satisfied me! The difference was that I would be working my body just as hard, but more concentrated, and in about a third of the time.
So day one of her program, I debated after doing it if it was easier, harder, or the same as the boot camp work out I had just stopped. It was different. There was more cardio and abs, but less squats. Yet I couldn't really say if it was harder.
Well, day 2 and 3 I had decided she was trying to kill me. It was harder, my heart raced, and I was wheezing like crazy, but I did it!!
I have to do it yet today, and with the exhaustion that I feel right now it is very debatable if I will actually get it done. This is a 30 day program, and I know that if I don't follow it the way it is planned out my results will be much less than hoped for. Yet, I am proud of myself for sticking with working out. It has been a few years since I worked out daily.
It has been very discouraging to me that I haven't lost any thing. After more than 6 weeks of kicking butt there has been no weight loss, no inches lost. Yes I have gained endurance, but come on girls....do we really work out to gain endurance to work out? I don't think so. I would really, REALLY like to see some progress soon! Until then I guess I will keep going at it.
I haven't done a whole lot to change the way I eat, but we were already eating a pretty healthy diet to begin with. I am trying to be conscious of everything I put in my mouth. My biggest help in this area is: I can eat what ever I want when I go out (this usually includes eating at a friend's house) but at home I am limited and healthy. Since I don't go out more than once a week it limits my splurge times. I usually make one sweet thing a week, but give most of it away or send it to work with my husband. It is also very important to me to get all my water drank through out the day.
I guess if I don't see changes soon I am going to have to rethink what I am doing.

What are you doing to keep your body healthy? To loose weight or eat healthy?

Sick, Sad, and Guilty

My daughter is sick again, and I am having a really hard time with it.

I was just saying/thinking last week that I needed to start taking precautions as winter approaches to keep her healthy this year. Last winter she was very sick with back to back illnesses for several months. I really want to avoid that this year.
So last night she suddenly spiked a fever and started crying about a sore throat. I continued to watch her fever and before bed it hit 103.7.....except that several hours later I realized that I forgot to add a degree (I take her temp under her arm) and it smacked me between the eyes that she had really been running a 104.7 temperature. She had hit the danger zone, and I didn't even realize it. Boy did I feel like crap. Here I am, the mother of a child who is sick often, and I let something like that slip my mind! Talk about feeling like a failure.

We were up off and on through out the night. Fever, throwing up, drinks for the sore throat, and just feeling the yuckyness of being sick. All night long she kept telling me "I not sick" over and over again. She wanted so badly to not be sick again that she just kept denying it. My heart broke every time she cried that. By morning she was asking to see her Doctor. I called and talked to him....strep throat. Penicillin.

You see we had family dinners this week to celebrate Thanksgiving, and I later found out that several people had been sick or brought their sick children. There was both flu and strep present that day! Sick children played with my child, sick adults held her. I am not responding to this news very well. I want to scream, cry, and give a piece of my mind to these people! Why, why would you go to a big gathering with sick children?? Why are you not responsible enough to not expose other people? Do I have to keep my child shut in because others do not consider the effects going out sick might have? I just stated not long ago that I do not want to be a shut in this year! Happy Thanksgiving to you, I do not thank you for giving this time!

I am scared that I will not be able to keep her healthy again this winter. No mama likes to see her baby sick. I am scared that her immune system will get worse, and cause more health issues, development issues, lead issues. I am scared she will never be healthy. I am scared that she will not have the quality of life that other kids do.

I am also feeling very guilty. I was supposed to help a friend move today, and I am not there. I know that there are other very capable people that will get the job done, but I feel guilty that I am not there to help them. I feel a responsibility to be there, and am beating myself up for not. I just keep thinking that I am always there when needed, so I feel bad that this time I didn't show up. Some of the people helping are already getting sick, and it's raining. I don't think I will be able to stop myself from feeling some blame if they end up really sick. I know my daughter needs me, and I need to stay healthy, but my husband is home. I could go. I could help. I should rest. I should listen to my husband. I should be able to be everywhere at once to take care of every one...oh wait...is that right?? :)

Well, I am off to take care of my girl, and my self. Trying to find some peace and relaxation in this day. Thanks for listening (reading).

Heart Aches and Random Writings

My heart has been stumbling for weeks through a valley. The dark kind, full of self hate talk, rejection, hurt, worthlessness, torment, anger, and emotion. Most of these things directed at myself.
I know of others who have, and are still struggling with some of the same things.
I have been hurt, and hurt others, and this all leads to a very ungodly heart attitude. Sorrow has been living in my heart. My husband told me tonight that I need to take out all the trash in my life. He told me by that he means all the situations that cling to me and pull me down.

I had this dialog with my self a week ago:

Where do broken hearts go to heal?
"God"

How does He heal them?
"With His love"

How does He show His love?
"Through His word~The beauty He creates~The blessings He gives~Time with Him"

How do I receive His love?
"Come to Him~Be still in Him~Breath Him in"

This is so hard to do. To remember, and to live it out on a daily basis seems impossible. Oh Lord, help me.

I read this the other day: When you believe in God your life is a psalm. It will record your downbeats of doubt as you cry out to God with your troubles, and it will chronicle your chords of exultation as he helps you and gives you the desires of your heart.
The theme of your life will be God's faithfulness to you. for when all your days have been documented you will undoubtedly report that He never fails you.

This spoke to me because so many times I run to the psalms when my heart is broken. It is a true book of open emotion that leaves me feeling a little less alone. To think of my life as a psalm, as a work of art, open emotion, well that is something sweet for my soul.

There are so many of the Psalms that I love. I read them over and over again. When I need comfort I come to Psalms 34, and62 and 63. Also Isaiah 43: 1-3a, Jeremiah 17: 7-10
Then there is Philippians 1:6 This verse came to mind for a dear friend yesterday, and I could not remember where to find it. This is for you sweet woman of God.
Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
I encourage all of you to read these scriptures today. Meditate on them, then be still and listen to God. Wait on Him to speak to you....He will.

Here is one more piece of writing then I'm back to bed (I got up to write out of fear that I would not remember any of it in the morning)

I am so tired.
In the dark nights I wait.
The sound of your voice is no longer apparent to me.
I close my eyes and whisper into the night.
I wait....
and again no response.
Are you there God?
Do you hear me?

Ah yes, there you are.
In the sound of the rain.
In my baby's repetitive breath.
In the beauty of the stillness all around me.

I feel you in the calm that you have brought to my spirit.
And in the joy you bring to my soul.

Talking Scripture

I have spent the last two days reading several passages of scripture that God is really using to speak to me. I will post about it more soon. I'm just wondering, what scriptures have been speaking to you lately? What do they say to you and why does it mean so much.
Hope you feel free to share.
A~

Intentions

My intention was to post every day this week. I was doing food posts to keep myself accountable. Food is easy for me, so I thought it would take no effort.
The problem was the rest of my life takes effort. This week has been full of emotion. I don't know what God has been trying to do with my heart this week, so I just have to hang on while He takes me through it.
I will finish my food posts soon. My goal is now next week. Thanks for being understanding.
A~

When you feel the Need to Kneed

MMMmmmm, I can smell it already. Can't you? The yeast, the warmth it brings your home, the beautiful brown color. That's right, I'm talking about bread. Those loves that sustain us from day to day.
Bread is one thing I can do well. So here I'm going to give you some of my best bread recipes. Starting with...

French Bread~ This is my favorite soup bread. It is perfect for dipping into just about anything, but especially soups!

• 1 Tablespoon yeast
• 1 1/2 cup warm water

1. Mix in a large bowl until dissolved
2. Add:

• 1 Tablespoon sugar
• 1 1/2 tea salt
• 1 Tablespoon oil
• 4 cups flour
  

1. Mix well
2. Add 3- 4 cups of flour One cup at a time until dough is easy to handle
3. Knead for 5-10 min. Until dough is elastic and smooth.
4. Let it rise to double. Punch down and divide into 2. Roll out into ropes about 14 in long. Place on a cookies sheet side by side or in a french bread baking pan if you have one. Cut 3 or 4 slashes in the top with a very sharp knife. Let rise again while oven preheats to 375
5. Bake 25-30 min. Remove from pan at once.

Ready for something else to dip? How about some bread sticks? Yummy soft ones that are fabulous with cheese.

• 1 cup warm water
• 2 1/2 teaspoons yeast
  
• 3 Tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 cup oil
• 2-3 cups flour

1. Mix yeast in water, dissolve
2. Add the rest of the ingredients
   
3. Kneed, Rise 1 hour
4. Roll out as thick or thin as you want them
5. Using a pizza cutter or something of the like, cut into strips as wide as you would like
6. Twist, tie in knots, stretch, or leave them the shape they are
7. Let rise on a greased baking sheet about 1 hour
8. If you would like just before baking them sprinkle with Parmesan cheese, garlic powder, spices, or anything else that comes to you.
9. Bake at 400* for 15 minutes or until browned.
   

So many more breads to choose from what do I tell you about next? I recently discovered this recipe and love it (note the singing tone here)! It is Focaccia that I use for our pizza crust! Tastes so good you will think you are at a restaurant. I have only used this for pizza, and it makes it last 3 times longer because we can only eat one piece before we are full.

• 4 cups flour
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 2 1/2 teaspoons yeast
• 1 2/3 cups water
• 3 Tablespoons oil

1. Put flour and salt in a bowl
2. In a separate bowl mix the yeast water and oil
3. Make a well in the flour, and pour the liquid in the center
4. Stir then kneed until soft and elastic~It will be wetter than bread
5. Rise 1-2 hours
6. Pour dough from the bowl strait into a greased jelly pan. DO NOT punch down or fold over in any way, just plop it right in.
7. Use your fingers to stretch it out in the pan. If it won't keep shape let it rest a few minutes then try again.
   
8. For true Focaccia brush it with olive oil then sprinkle sea salt and rosemary over the top
9. Bake at 400* just until light brown, about 15 minutes.
   
10. If you are making pizza out of it, after baking just throw on your sauce, cheese and toppings, and put back in the oven til hot

Well, I have 3 more recipes to tell you about. Rolls, I know everyone can make rolls. You can even buy them cheap, but not these. Every Christmas I am asked to make these rolls because they are so rich. Something so good should not be so simple, yet it is. Always have a good roll recipe. If you don't have one, email me!

I almost posted my bread bowl recipe, but if you know me I am guessing you already have it. Early this year I was asked to head up the making of 250 bread bowls for a fund raiser. Yes, in my insanity I agreed. Then the ovens we were going to use became unavailable so the whole operation got moved to my house, and we started baking. I had some amazing sidekicks, partners, friends. We spent the next 4 days round the clock, non stop, insane baking!! It was an emotional time. We laughed, we cried, we were covered in flour! Over all I have mostly fond memories from that week...oh the pig tails :) I still have the recipe, and it is still as wonderful as ever.

Lastly I come from Jewish decent (several generations back). Growing up we celebrated some of the Jewish holidays, and traditions. Partly because of my family's heritage, and partly because the bible tells us to keep the holiday's Jesus kept. Of course he was Jewish so..... One of my favorite breads comes out of this. Hala Bread is the Jewish braided bread that is used every week in the Sabbath dinner. It is a wonderful tradition that I wish we still carried on in my own home. This bread is only good fresh, unless it is used in french toast or grilled cheese. I think it is only good right away because it is only meant to be used in one meal~Sabbath dinner~and not made again until the next week. It is a food that I hold precious because of the memories and legacy that has been left to me.

Before I go, there is one more thing I would like to leave with you.
Matthew 4:4
But He answered and said "It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."
Don't just feed your family bread, feed them God's word. While you are feeding your body today I encourage you to feed your soul.

Chopping, Browning, Boiling, and Spicing. We are Making......

Alright, here we go! Grab your pen, and paper. Get ready for some yummyness here this week! I will be doing a post a day on my favorite foods. Oh, what a challenge. I will be sharing some recipes, and keeping others safely locked in the family vault ;) If I don't post one you want ask me. If it's one I can't give out, I will find one that is similar for you. Even if I don't post the recipe you will have lots of ideas. Promise!
So are you ready?

Today is....SOUPS!

How much do I love soup? It is the best comfort food, well it ranks with mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and sweets. Those fall and winter days when the cold chills you isn't it wonderful to sit with a hot bowl of soup? Yes, yes it is. I love the whole process of soup. The chopping, browning of meat, the spices. Yum, I can almost smell it now. Oh yes the smell of soup slow cooking is such a wonderful thing to my nose. Then there is the dipping...bread oh bread, well we will get to that later.

My all time favorite soup is Irish Stew. So many flavors that play on your taste buds. I have experimented with this more than any other soup.

Next we have Zuppa Toscana. Ever been to Olive Garden? I have a recipe that will compare so well it will knock your socks off. Here you go:

• 1 lb ground Italian sausage
• 1½ tsp crushed red peppers
• 1 large diced white onion
• a few pieces of bacon
  
• many cloves of garlic
  
• 10 cups of chicken broth (bought or made with bullion, your choice)
  
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 lb sliced Russet potatoes, or about 3 large potatoes
• ¼ of a bunch of kale, although I love it and add almost the whole thing!
  

1. Sauté Italian sausage and crushed red pepper in a large pot. Drain excess fat, refrigerate while you prepare other ingredients.
2. In the same pan, sauté bacon, onions and garlic for approxiamtly 15 mins. or until the onions are soft.
3. Mix together the chicken bouillon and water, then add it to the onions, bacon and garlic. Cook until boiling.
4. Add potatoes and cook until soft, about half an hour.
5. Add heavy cream and cook until thoroughly heated.
6. Stir in the sausage.
7. Add kale just before serving.
8. Delicious, severs 6-8.
   

The next, most perfect soup I am going to share with you is:
White Chicken Chili
This soup is so good. It can be made two ways. If you make it in a crock pot you will have a yummy broth, but if you put it in a dutch oven it will be a thicker creamer soup. I personally use a dutch oven. I love the creaminess.
Also, I don't measure things a lot so when I pulled this out to copy here I did not have any measurements written down, these are all approximates.
This is another one of those recipes that can be adjusted for your family's taste. You will need:

• Olive oil
• One or two large onions
• Lots and Lots of garlic...I'm talking like a ton
• Jalapenos~when I use these I only put in one or two fresh that I have removed the seeds and chopped.
• 1 can green chili peppers
  
• Minimum 2 Teaspoons Cumin, I put it Tablespoons of it!
  
• Approximately 1 teaspoon of oregano, and cyanne
• About 1/2 teaspoon of crushed red peppers
  
• 6ish cups of chicken broth...you can use up to 8 cups.
• Chicken, cooked and cut up, at least a pound.
  
• Great Northern Beans~I use a full bag of dried and soak them the night before. If you want to use canned I think you would need about 3 cans
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Monterrey cheese. Use as much as you want~I use a full bag usually, but most recipes call for one cup. Just make sure you put it in far enough ahead of time to melt down and not clump.
  

1. Saute onions, and garlic in dutch oven
2. Add the rest of the ingredients, except the cheese.
   
3. A while before serving add cheese.
4. Best when served with homemade french bread to dip in it. (Recipe to come)

On we go! Ready for some Minestrone? I have rarely made this, but I love throwing it together when we have nothing left in the house. Usually these ingredients will be on hand.

• olive oil
• 1 onion
• a few cloves of garlic
• 6-8 cups of broth-your choice
  
• a few chopped carrots
• 1-2 stalks chopped celery
  
• Several teaspoons of Italian seasoning or oregano, parsley, basil
  
• a sprinkle of rosemary, and thyme
  
• I also use Mrs. Dash tomato, basil, and garlic seasoning
• Beans~Most recipes use white beans, but I use black and it is just as good. I use dried that I soak over night, you can use canned, (1-2 cans depending on how much you like beans). Just remember to rinse them as most of the gasses are in the juice
• small pasta
• 1-2 cans of diced tomatoes
• zucchini cut into small bit size slices
  
• Parmesan cheese to garnish
• Most minestrone soups are meat less but I like to add meatballs, I cut them in half. You can also used ground meat or anything else you have on hand. :)

1. Saute onion, garlic in oil.
   
2. Add carrots, celery, seasonings, and about 1/2 the broth. Boil about 15 ish minutes
3. Add Beans, tomatoes, remaining broth, zucchini, and noodles. (This would also be the time to add the meat)
   
4. Cook until noodles are just hardly done. If you cook any longer the noodles will turn to mush as it sits. Check seasonings and adjust.
5. Garnish with Parmesan cheese.
6. Note: Many people also put in spinach. I have never done this but would like to try sometime, just thought I would pass that on.

Ok. Last one, my goal was 5. My husband just got home, so I will leave you to dream about his favorite soup: Ham and Bean. I make it spicy, so this is what you want to eat if you need your sinuses cleared out!!

Well, have fun making soup. Come back tomorrow for more tasty ideas, and don't miss the french bread to dip in your soup!

Giveaway

Hey all! There is this beautiful giveaway over at Like a Warm Cup of Coffee.
She is giving away Biblical wall art! The art is from a great company called Red Letter Art. They have so many encouraging things to place around your home.
My favorite is Hannah's Prayer. It is 1 Samuel 1:20 I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of Him. It is on black canvas and so beautiful. Of course, it touches me personally. So I am hoping to win, but sending you all over to take your own chance at winning. Good luck!

Coming Soon....

I love food! Boy, does it show ;) Soups, breads, sweets, comfort foods! Coming soon I will be doing a weeks worth of posting. My favorite foods, recipes, tips, and more! Stay tuned...

Why Did God Give Adam a Wife First?

I have just spent the wee hours of the morning with a friend. We spent about three hours talking about marriage. I said a lot of stuff in three hours, most of which I do not remember. The one thing that really stuck with her though was that our husband should be our number one priority on this earth, second only to our relationship with God.
I told her that we must have boundaries in all other parts of our life in order to protect the marriage relationship. She said I was so sure, and she had never thought of having to protect the relationship, but I told her that if there are not boundaries all of the other things in our life will creep in, and take over until our husbands are no longer top priority. Even the things that God leads us to do in our life should come second to our spouse. He should always be our number one God give priority, with all the other God given things coming after our marriage.
She asked me why I was so sure, and I didn't really have any verses on hand (I'm very bad at that and must improve). I did have a few reasons for her, but one really sticks out in my mind even now. I told her that marriage is the first relationship created by God after His relationship with His people. God said it wasn't good that Adam was alone, so he created a wife for him. I told her; God could have given Adam parents, friends, even children, but he choose to give Adam a wife. I find that very interesting. Why did God give Adam a wife first? Was it perhaps because this is the relationship He was going to hold primary in a humans life? I know that I personally have learned more in from my marriage than any other relationship I have been in. I have also come closer to, seen God more, and learned more about God from my marriage than any other relationship. I have some thinking to do about all this, but thought I would throw some of my thoughts out there.
I also told her that as a Christian woman our focus in life should be serving God, but as a christian wife our focus expands to include serving our husbands. Isn't a HUGE part of marriage learning to serve? It's not just for us either girls, think of all the ways your husband has learned to serve since you married him. Learning to serve can only happen though if you are making it a priority to do so. We are not serving people by nature...just in case you haven't noticed. This is part of why making your husband a top priority is important, with out doing that you will not serve him. At least not in the way God intends for you serve.
Oh so many thoughts. So much marriage can teach. I'm going to stop before I hit the babbling stage of my thoughts. Feel free to post your thoughts in the comments...I would love to read them.

Backgrounds

This morning I found a new place to get free blog backgrounds. Shabby Blogs does not have as many backgrounds as the program I have been using. Yet, they have backgrounds of shall we say a sweeter nature. They are a more feminine company. Something I think I could use a little more of sometimes.
I have chosen this particular background because it is simple. There were several others that I liked so much better, but when I put them on my blog they looked way to busy. I seem to always be busy, and wanted my blog to be one place where I could come, and be at peace in the simpleness of it.
I am not sure if this background will be my final choice. In fact knowing my self it will change again soon, because I get restless and start rearagning things~including my blog. In the mean time, I do hope that you enjoy the simpleness of it with me.
Let me know what you think...I am always open to feed back.

A link to Housewife Superstars

My mother recently did a post on women leaving outside jobs to stay at home. It included a link to an interview aired on Austria's 60 Minutes. The interview titled Housewife Superstars was about women who wanted to leave work to become "domestic goddesses". Returning to women of the 50's.
I have just now gotten the chance to watch it, and wanted to share it with you. It was interesting, inspiring, and left you wanting to bake a cake :)
So jump on over to her blog, read it, then click her link for the interview. It is totally worth the time to watch it.
Enjoy, and don't forget to let me know what you think!

I am Emotional

I feel very emotional today. I have cried so much....
My week has been busy and I'm sure that is alot of it.
I have picked tomatoes twice. Yesterday it was 30 gallons of them, and 10 gallons of peppers.
I have made salsa, spent time with friends, and family. Baked alot! Ran errands.
Today after church I rested alot. I really didn't have a choice, my body and emotions were on the fritz.
I am feeling alot like I over do it with my friends. That I get to needy and then they need space. I don't know how to deal with this. I am just emotional.
Today is also a year since my due date for Jordan, so the thought can not escape me that we would have a one year old right about now. It's hard and I have many thoughts, emotions, and hurt to go along with that. This week I have more time with friends, more canning, more places to go, a house to clean after canning, and bible study. A full week for sure.
I think I just need some time to regroup....what ever that means.
My internet has been down for a week so I am writing this quick at a friends house....
Just to get out a very small bit of what I am feeling.

T is for Tusday

~Two mile walk
~Toasting in the sun
~Tight achy muscles
~Time with my daughter
~Taking in books
~Toys on the floor
~Talking to friends and family
~Tasty banana muffins
~Trip to the Doctor's office
~Tears in my baby's eyes
~Tiny girl asleep on my couch
~Tuning in to music
~Thinking about making homemade noodles
~Tons of cheese in my calzones
~Thanking my husband for his hard work
~Timing dinner
~Turbulent emotions
~Typing out words
~Twenty sentences in this post

~Till next time

Great Blogs

I just sent this list to a friend of mine. Just thought I would post it here, so you can have something to do on a rainy day. These are some of my favorite blogs. Many of them are on my blog list, but some are not, and this makes it easy for you.
Have fun!



Godly/Teaching/Encouraging Blogs

http://itinerantidealist.wordpress.com/ (The daughter)
http://wholeheart.typepad.com/itakejoy/ (The mother)

http://www.titus2atthewell.com/

http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/ (This one is great, so much teaching!)

http://www.aholyexperience.com/ (Love this one...you will too!)

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/ (So much to drink from ;)




Fun/Creative Blogs:

http://soulemama.typepad.com/soulemama/

http://twentytwowords.com/ (In this blog, his posts are only 22 words a day. I couldn't do it. I'm to obsessed with what I say)

http://abowlofmossandpebbles.com/
http://www.simplyvintagegirl.com/blog/ (These last two; they are sisters and both have some Godly teaching and a lot of creativeness)

http://tollipop.typepad.com/tollipop/ (Another one of my favorites)

http://jumpintothewildblue.blogspot.com/ (This is all poems, by the author of like a warm cup of coffee...)

Don't Come To Me

Don't come to me,
if you are trying to get pregnant

If you are being two faced,
And cannot listen to what your doctor says.

Don't come to me, if you wear whitey tightys
And still expect them to swim.

Don't come to me, if you smoke all day, every day,
and then cry about how hard it has been

Don't come to me, if you drink every night,
And still expect to see your wife with child.

Don't come to me, if you don't eat enough
because you are trying to watch your figure,
but whine about how you never see two lines.

Don't come to me, if you have to medicate
every little problem in your life,
and yet expect it to be ok for your child's growth

Don't come to me, if you take a vitamin for every thing possible
No, you do not need those prostate pills,
you are a woman for crying out loud!

Don't come to me, and expect me to hold you
listen to you, cry with you, and feel sorry for you
if you are causing your own problems.

Don't come to me, and tell me that you have no money for treatments
then spend thousands of dollars on a new "toy".

Don't come to me, and say I don't understand!!!!

If you listen to your doctor, come to me.

If you have done all you can, then come to me.

If you have no where else to go, then come to me.

If you are hurting, the kind of hurt that makes you do each and every last thing that you can do, then come to me.

I will listen, I will hold you, I will cry, and I will understand. Only if you really want something will you then go through anything, give up anything, become anything to reach it. That is when you can come to me.

Just don't hurt me.

Top 10 Reasons to do Your Canning in the Middle of the Night

Top 10 reasons to do your canning in the middle of the night:

10) You get time to yourself.

9) No kids under your feet.

8) It's not as hot at night.

7) No one around to complain about being forced to help.

6) Sometimes it goes faster.

5) You can listen to what ever you want and no one changes it.

4) You can eat whatever you want and no one sees it.

3) You can be creeped out by the "garden bugs" that came in with your produce and no one is around to laugh at you.

2) You can sleep in the next morning because all your canning is done.

1) You are usually awake anyways.

Dizzy with Randomness

Well, I do question if anyone actually reads this, and what their thoughts may be. Oh well, I may never know. I am feeling a bit random, so be warned ;)

My dear friend had her baby this week. He is the sweetest little boy I have ever seen, and I have a slight fear of getting to attached to this little gift she is oh so willing to let me hold. I love him already!

My life is busy and crazy.....or is it just in my head? I am trying to slow down, and say No to more things, but so far I haven't been to successful. We have finished our study on Ester, and I was so sad to see it go. I have not been nearly as faithful about getting into God's word since then, although I am better than I was before so I guess I have at least improved. I learned so much during that time, and am still taking some of it in. There was one exercise she had us do that I thought I would post here.
Read Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 She then had some of it written out and we were to fill in the words missing based on our own experience. Mine looked like this. The words I filled in are in italics

I will exalt You, O Lord for you
comforted me when I was down
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You
restored me
O Lord, You brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from
myself
Your turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth
and clothed me with
Your calmness
that my heart may sing
to you and not be silent
O Lord my God,
I will give you praise forever

Try it see what you come up with, it is very refreshing.

A few of the things I have been doing are: cleaning, cooking yummy things like Toffee Bars, and Fruit Tarts, fresh green beans, and chicken pot pie. I have also been looking at school stuff for my almost pre schooler. We are planning on homeschooling, and I need to get a move on it. Painting, journaling, watching movies with my family, reading....only a little. Life is always busy.

Last Fri night I went with a friend to the Morris Civic Theater. We saw Mama Mia. The Broadway performers were wonderful. Local groups are fun, but Broadway is best! I'm telling you it was so much better live! From there we walked down to the local "Pub" an Irish place called Fiddler's Hearth. It was amazing, I loved it. The performers were there, and signed our programs, and waved to us as they left! It was a place where you have to be friends, there are only long tables and you just sit down with other people. I had a German beer that I can't even pronounce the name of, and fish and chips served in newspaper. Just like Ireland. I got home about 2 am.

Well, I could go on but I'm sure I have made you dizzy with my randomness, so farewell for now.

Opportunities

When God tells you to do something He gives you opportunity to do it.

First, He gives you opportunities to learn how to do it. Then He gives you more opportunities so you can get in the habit of doing it. Then He gives you more so you can grow while doing it.....finally, He gives you opportunities so you will keep doing it. Sometimes, these opportunities come because He loves it when you do what He asks. Sometimes, out of need for you or someone else, and sometimes, well, there are so many reasons God could have, and while I don't know all of them I do know that God tells us to do things, and it all comes together for His purpose.

God has told me to pray. I thought that meant pray for the problem in my life. One thing in particular. So I started praying. Praying like I have never prayed before. God blessed that time with Him, and although I haven't seen that situation change much, I am glad for what it has done to my prayer life.

What I was not expecting was when God decided it was time to expand my prayer life. Don't you love how He does that? Today, I received three calls, all giving me something to pray about. I was able to talk to each person, and even meet with one of them. More than anything though I have felt that little nudge all day to be at Abba's feet, interceding for these precious people. I have been pushed more by God today than I have in a really long time. He presented me with opportunities that have made me grow, and given me a chance to keep praying. I am thankful that God works this way. This is so much different than I would have once responded. God's work goes on all around us, and in us. Isn't it amazing to step back and see what He has done?

Prayer

Alright, well I said I was going to post about prayer, so here it is.

I have never been one who is very good at praying. For a portion of my childhood we were taught to pray before meals, before bed, and when someone is sick. My dad almost always used the same memorized prayers, that I could probably quote to you this day. My mother, who we heard a little less often, prayed from her heart what ever words came out.
I do have very fond memories of a prayer group that my mother went to for years. A group of women from our church met at one woman's home every Tuesday. They spent most of the time in prayer, and although I was required to stay in the playroom with the other children, I didn't always. I would go out and sit and listen to them pray, and there was something so honest and pure about it. I have often thought in my adult life, if I could just be like that...if I could just be like them.

As an adult I have not had a very easy life, and there have been times that I wanted nothing to do with God, and times that I could go no other place but at His feet. Prayer has been a back and forth kind of thing for me. I know it is wrong, but have not known how to stay on track.
Recently, God has again been working hard in my life, and there have been some very worrisome, and painful situations. Just a few short weeks ago I was asking God, "What do I do? How do I fix this? Show me how to make this better."

Well, God just keep pressing on my heart to pray. While I was a the library I was drawn to the books on prayer. While I was working on my daily to do list, I felt pressed to pray. Everywhere and everything felt like a reminder to me to pray. So I did. I prayed to God and told him, "I don't know how to pray. It feels weird to me. I don't know what to do." So I sat down with one of the books on prayer, and started reading. I read about all the different things I could pray about. I grabbed one of my many journals and wrote to God about the first thing on their list. Writing. That I can do. That is a form of prayer. I have done it almost every day since.

I picked up one of the other prayer books, and the first thing it talked about was a man. This man showed his lover so much affection, so much love. He gave her flowers, and poems, letters, good foods, songs, and conversation. She in return talked to him, occationally. The writer then went on to say that this is a representation of how we are with God. He gives us all that He is, and sometimes we talk to Him. It made me so sad, because it is so true. I am trying to show God my love for him in the things I create, in the way I go about my day.

What I am trying to do is change my whole way of thinking. It is hard. It is also very rewarding. I am enjoying the timeI spend writing my prayers to God, creating things, and the new mindset that I am working on. It has even helped me just talk to God. Now I am able to talk to God while I am going about my day. It is not always easy, but it has vastly improved over the last few weeks. I still don't want to pray aloud with others, but I'm sure that will come too.

Of course, God is giving me plenty to pray about. That is one thing I wish would not happen. When God calls you to pray, there will be things that rise up to pray about, and my trust issues don't like that so much.
Yet, one more thought I have is doesn't trusting God, and praying go hand in hand? I guess that is also something he is working on. Trusting him. I think praying is a good start.

Missing

Our town has a mini festival every month. It is called first Fridays, because the first Friday of every month the town comes to life. Vendors come out, live music beckons us, the shops have sales, and the kids run and play. Different events take place every month giving young and old something new to look forward to. If you come, plan on running into people you know, the ones you haven't seen in a really long time. Community fills the streets.
This is what happened to me. I saw people, and enjoyed it. All but one. One tiny little person made my heart break. I ran into a family that we had not seen in a few months. We were at one time close with them, but in the while not so much. The thing is, they have a baby. He was due just two weeks after the baby we lost was due. They would be the same age. It is always bittersweet to see him. I am glad that they have him. I was never one to want others to hurt, but it is always so hard to see him. This time he was so much bigger than I remembered. Still a baby, but not quite as little. He is just at the right size to snuggle with.
I can't believe sometimes how I can be moving in a direction where I think I am healing, and suddenly just lose it all. I stood there next to my friend holding her baby. Stunned into uncomfortable silence, hoping she didn't notice. All I could do for that one moment was stare at him. All I could do was think, this is what my baby would be like now. The size, the way he sat on her hip, the hair coming in, and so many expressions on his face.
Our friends don't argue over who gets to hold the baby, because there is one for each of them to hold.
That horrifying thought in my head, sometimes it just plays over and over. This is what it would be like. This is how my baby would be. Oh my God, this is what we are missing.
God you know best.

Why does the world not stop?

Sometimes I wonder how the world just goes on. I see things in the news, online, and in real life, and I just can't understand how they go unnoticed. Mostly I think about the children in the world that go through so much. The ones with cancer that will never survive. I think how selfish are we that we don't take the time to pray, to encourage, or support them?
You may say, but I don't know anyone in that situation. Well, they are everywhere. I see their blogs daily, parents pleading for prayer for their children. They are in our churches, and around our towns. Do we not notice them because we are to busy or because we have put a wall up in our mind? No one likes to see pain. No one likes to see struggle.

I wonder though, if we were to take the time to notice....to pray, what it would do? A person would be encouraged, lift their spirits! God would hear the pleading for His own. People could come to know Him, and we might be a little less selfish tomorrow. Would that be so bad?
In all the little petty things I do, when do I think of those hurting? I could go all day, arguing, cleaning, reading, playing. Yet, all the while a parent is holding their hurting baby. Why does my day have to go on like nothing is happening to anyone else but me? Why can't I take time everyday for someone else? I'm asking you today, find someone you don't know, someone hurting, and pray for them through out the day. You get nothing in return, and yes it's time out of your day, but when did it become your day? Is it not God's day? Just pray for them.

Challenges

Time seems to have passed so quickly lately. So much has gone on in my life, and there has hardly been time to process it all. God has been working in my heart so much, and it hurts!
Have you ever had a time like that? Where the work God is doing in your heart brings about so much that you didn't know was even sitting dormant in there? These last two months have been so challenging, and changing.

We have moved from the house shared with another family into a very tiny apartment above a garage. We now share a room with Lily, and the rest of our space is in another room. It is nice to have our own space again, no matter how small, and I am loving the fact that it is right out side of the town we want to live in. It is a short lease so as time passes it is becoming more of a concern that we will have to come up with the money to move again in just a few short months.

My dear friend is about to have a baby, and it has been an emotionally challenging pregnancy all around. For me personally, I am so glad that she has been given such a gift. It is wonderful to see her happy with the thought of meeting her baby boy soon. It is also hard as we have had issues with pregnancy in our own home, but I am so glad I can be with her through this joy. God is teaching me more, and more that it's just not about me. I have few places to turn to with my thoughts about pregnancy but I am being drawn to his feet more every day, and am learning that He is where my heart needs to rest when it is hurting. While I am laying in God's lap, I also can be at a place where I am able to serve my friend, and for that I am so thankful. I am so grateful for the times that I am reminded by God that it's not all about me.

I have been going through a study on Ester, (from Beth Moore) with 2 of my friends. It has been amazing. I love her studies. It is challenging me to think, dig deep, study, pray, question. It is hard, and time consuming, but so worth it. There have been two weeks that stand out to me the most. Fear, and Wait. Fear has taught me that no matter what is going on in my life, God should be at the end of it all. In other words, if the worst thing that could ever happen to me happens, I should still be on my face seeking Him. Wait was a different lesson, but seemed to go right along with what God was teaching me on fear. I learned that waiting was sometimes what God calls us to because others were not ready and, sometimes because we weren't ready. Yet God always renews us when we wait (Is. 41)

Prayer, oh sweet prayer. I don't even know if I can put into words all that God is speaking to me about prayer. I think I must save that for another post, as I am making lunch....but feel free to share with me, what God has been teaching you.

A Wise Man vs. a Fool's Feelings

A fool vents all his feelings but a wise man holds them back. Proverbs 29:11

Yikes! I am such a fool. So many times I vent!
Yet right now I am looking close at this verse, and it does not say that the wise man holds them in, he just holds them back. I think there is a difference. Holding in feelings can be a very bad thing. I should know, I became very good at holding in feelings. I could even switch off feelings, make it so I really truly could not access how I was feeling. It hurts you, and makes you angry. It defies the Holy Spirit within you. He is peace.

Holding back, now that is also a very tricky thing.
I think that this means #1 Obviously, you don't vent.
#2 You don't hold on to it. Yup, that would be holding it in.
You forgive, you move on, you don't bring it up. If it's a recurring issue deal with it, then let it go. In order to do this, a release of that feeling is in order~aka~ not holding them in.
As Christian's we are called to deal with our feelings in a Christlike manner. Usually praying. Never in sin, such a gossip-venting. Then let it go. Holding back does not mean holding on to our feelings.

So I guess my paraphrase for this verse would be:
A stupid man reacts, vents, gossips, and holds a grudge. A wise man forgives, lets go, and releases hurt. He holds back the sinful reaction, by responding in a Christ like way.

Just one small note yet,
The amplified says it this way:

A self-confident fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it.

I love the words; stills it. It makes me think of being still with God. That's just how it should be, for isn't that where we need in order to be to become this wise man?

Lily asks Why

Me: Lily you need to listen to me.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I said so

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I'm the mommy.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God gave you to me.

Lily: Why?

Me: Well, we asked for a baby, and God gave us you.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God likes to bless His people.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because it makes Him happy.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because He loves us.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because He does, that's who God is.

Lily: Why?

Me: I don't know WHY. He just does.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God says so.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because He does. Lily please stop asking why.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I need you to.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because I'm the mommy.

Lily: Why?

Me: Because God ga....No that's enough. Just because!

Lily: Why????

Joys in my week

Wow, this week is going by so fast. I have had many blessings befall us, and some sadness too.
Friday, I was so blessed. It was a dear friends due date for the baby she had lost, and I wanted to be close to her, as she was for me. As far as I know she wanted me there too. We spent alot of the day planting her garden. Brian and I have not had a garden due to lack of space to call our own. It was such a joy. I loved being out in the sun, walking barefoot in the squishy dirt (yes, and manure), and helping her plant life. It was such a productive, fulfilling thing to do on that day. I also just loved spending the time with her, creating something to nourish her family, and playing with her sweet little boy. Thank you my dear friend for the opportunity to be a part of your life. You will never know how much you mean to me, as words could never express.
Saturday, my husband, a bit begrudgingly got up early to go garage saleing with me. While many of the sales we went to had nothing of interest to us, we did find a few great things. He found a game for his xbox much cheaper than even if he had gotten it used at the store. We bought 3 sit and spins for $6, giving one away and keeping the other two so no fights will occur with friends. The best find for me was an almost new bread maker for $10! We have already used it several times, and it is great. I love and prefer to make our bread by hand, but this will provide a fresh loaf when ever I am to tired or busy to get it made. Now we can have bread all the time, also saving on our grocery budget.
Sunday, we went out with a sweet couple after church, and although I have known them both separately for years, it was a good time to get to know them better. We were very blessed. That night Brian and I also took some good time to talk.
Monday was a bit harder. A friend was hurting, and so was I. It was a great testing time for me, and still continues to be. That night the support group that I co lead for those who have lost babies met, which is to say that the co leader, and I met since no one ever comes to the meetings. We went and got drinks at the coffee house, which is becoming a normal thing for us :) We used the time to share our hearts, and some struggles. A hard but blessed thing.
These last two days have been dreary, full of rain and clouds. We have been more lazy in the day and productive at night. Last night I did 5 loads of laundry and cleaned every room in my house thoroughly except the kitchen.
Tonight a sweet friend is coming over. We are going to scrapbook. Something I have never been fond of, but it sustains her :) So we will see if she can make a scrapbooker out of me! I also have an art project of sorts that I am working on tonight, and will share with you very soon.
Well, something sweet sounds good, so here I bid you a due, to go in my kitchen and whip up something yummy.

So Much Going On

It has been a long time since I've posted. Part of me is really not sure what to say. It has been a long but very personal month. So much has happened, and it honestly it has left me very overwhelmed.
Lily was sick last week. The kind of sick that really gets you worried. She started out with the flu. It came out of no where, and just didn't let up. With in the first day she had to be taken in for IV fluids. It is a sad, and scary thing to see your baby hooked up to an IV. It continued for days, and the doctor's recommendation was drink. So she drank, and it came right back up. She developed a UTI The doctor said it must have been caused by the catheter at the hospital. So irritating. The problem was she couldn't keep down the meds for it. I felt so helpless. They finally agreed to give her something to stop the puking-after 5 days of it! She is better now. Worn out a bit more during the day, but better.
My husband started a new job last week. Praise God. He is only supposed to be part time, but for now can get extra hours. So by Fri night he will have worked 36 hours. We hope to see the hours continue, but I know that it could change at a moments notice, and am just trying to leave it in God's hands. In the mean time, he works the night shift. Lily is not doing well with this. She has had her Daddy putting her to bed for the last two years. Ever since he stopped working the night shift. So to suddenly not have Him here at bed time has produced a lot of screaming, and crying. I am hoping she adjusts soon.
We are looking for a place to live. This is probably one of the hardest things going on in my life now. I do not want to look, pack, move, and unpack. I am really hating the idea of this. We have called so many places. The problem we have is finding something in our price range that is lead free. So far nothing has come up. I know that I need to be trusting God right now. Trust is something I have always had an issue with. I am doing better though. Trusting would mean relaxing about it, and I am starting to do that. We have 5 weeks yet at the very longest to be out of the place we are living. It feels like moving out came very suddenly for us. Like it was just dropped in our lap. That is hard for me. I try to live a slow simple life....no really I do. So I don't fair well when things are suddenly heaped on me. I just keep reminding my self that God has a plan for everything, and if we haven't found a place to live yet then he must have one for us. I just hope he shows us soon :)
There are still a few other situations in my life that are hard, but I don't want to talk about those just yet. I do want to share with you what God has been teaching me through them though.
Have you ever realized just how selfish we all are? There are so many things that make me want my own way. Times that I put me first. I have been trying to keep God in the center of everything, but so many times I want to put me in the middle of it all. My feelings, and rights, and wants always creep up. God is showing me that the only way my life will work well, is with Him being my focus. I have always been at loss as to how to do that. So I have started getting in the word. I have started spending time with Him. Tuning my heart, and mind to notice God, when I might not have before. It is a working progress.
I have also come to realize that I have a very hard time saying I'm sorry. I have a hard time repenting. I have a hard time confessing, and asking forgiveness. I also have a hard time forgiving. I am still daily in a constant struggle to do this. I know that my heart is hard in this area, God has shown me that. He is slowly chipping away at the hardness. I have also come up with so visual aids (will explain in a later post) to make myself see my sin. If it is in front of me I will have no choice but to deal with it. I can't stand the sight of anything being messy.
My time is another area that God is working on. I spend so much of it running around like a madwoman then being lazy to recuperate from the craziness. It is a poor use of time, and because so many areas in my life are still lacking, it is also a misuse of my time. God has really been speaking to me about slowing down, but not to a lazy point. A lot of the line of thinking I have now started with the Passover (this post is long enough, I will share my thoughts on Passover and how this all started later) We have set guidelines for ourselves to slow down, yet not become lazy. The problem we have had is sticking to them. It is of course something we will have to continue to work at.
I have also set focuses for my day. I am the kind of person that will make a list and try to do everything because I feel I have to do it once it's there. God has really put it on my heart to pick three things a day to focus on, and once those are done then I go to my list. My first "focus" of course is my time with Him. If I don't do anything else that day I need to have my time with God. My second is my family. If I don't get the house clean, I have at least spent time with my family. My third is to create one thing a day. I long to be creative, it a yearning that God puts in each of us. He is the creator, and has created us in His image, therefore we also are to create. It brings us closer to Him. It is also a really good release for emotions. I am also learning to redefine my definition on create. I am creating right now with this post. I create when I cook, when I rearrange my living room, there are so many ways to create. It is not about doing something fancy, it is about the attitude you have! Of course none of these things take all day, so I still get other things done. This is just my basis for the day. The foundation that I lay my day upon.
Well, I think this post is by far long enough. :) There are still so many things in my heart to share, mostly it is a matter of sorting them out first. I will try to be back soon. Now I am going to go create some baked oatmeal for my family.

Colorado

I am in Colorado! Arvada/Denver at the YWAM base. What a trip it has been.....A friend and I took our almost two and almost three year old and set out on an adventure. We left Tuesday morning and came upon our first adventure with in hours. We were coming up to Chicago and missed our exit! I looked, and looked on the map but couldn't find it. So we decided that we were heading in the right direction and would surly pass it. After driving all the way through Chicago, we pulled over because we knew it wasn't right. So as we are sitting on the side of the highway looking at the map a road worker pulls over to help us. As he walks up he says I saw Indiana plates and thought you might need help. So he showed us where we were on the map. Way off course. Then he gave us a new route. The problem was, it turns out that roads we have now did not exist on our 2003 map. We had not seen the exit because it wasn't there in 03. Even the route that the man gave us in part did not exist then. So we got off at the next exit to turn around, but before doing anything else, that old map had a very close encounter with the nearest dumpster. We stopped at the first gas station we saw, and dumped that old map, and got over charged for a new one. The day continued to be off from there. The kids could not stay calm. The friend I was traveling with is pregnant, and was not feeling well. We ended up stopping four hours later than planned. With every one crying. Let me tell you, little kids do not do well away from daddy's the first time. Awake so much during the night. Ex specially that first night.
Wens. travels went much better, the kiddos were good. My friend felt better, and we had a good pace all day. We arrived about 7pm our time 5pm theirs. Seeing old friends and meeting new ones was so nice. Of course hugs all around. We were then taken to the guest house where we were going to stay. What a beautiful condo it is. We each got our own rooms and the kids got theirs too, well sorta. Lily is in the walk in closet in my room, and the other kiddo is in the laundry room. :) We had a night of relaxing.
Thursday was a bit harder. Both of us women were on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Who says only pregnant women are entitled to be emotional, with out being labeled irrational? We went to the store and got food for our kitchen. Spent the afternoon around the condo, walked to a play area for the kids to run off some energy. Then our friend and former pastor's wife came over to hang out. They have been working at the base here on and off for years. What a great time we had. Once we got hungry we headed out to Chick-fil-A, a favorite for all of us. We then went to a huge mall and walked around. It was very cool, they had a giant sand box right in front of the mall for kids. It was like being at the beach. After getting home very late we sat up and talked. Then we decided we wanted chips and chip dip, so my friend jumped in her car to go the the nearby store. When she came home she informed me she had been robbed. Not really but after paying almost 9 dollars for one bag of chips and dip, it sure seemed like it!
Yesterday, I think has been my favorite so far. We went to a morning worship service here on the base. I was all singing, and lead by our former pastor Michael. I so miss him, and his style of worship. It was so refreshing to be there with him again. After worship we went and talked with some of the old staff that my friend knew. It was a nice relaxing morning.
After that we decided that we would take her little car and head up to the mountain peaks. YWAM also has a base up there. So up we went. Very slowly. I was the driver, the roads were very windy, with alot of switchbacks. We made it, but that poor little car was saying "I think I can, I think I can" all the way up. We took in the majestic beauty of the mountains while looking around the base. We ate lunch with them and the kids played. While we were up there it started to snow, but we had heard there was a good coffee place a little ways up the mountain yet. So yes people I am crazy! I drove us up in the snow, up, up , up a curvy road with only a guard rail to keep us from driving off, all for a good cup of coffee. (Insert my husband laughing here, because that is what he did) After all that the place was closed. So we went back down the mountain which was even scarier than going up it. Up meant that I was hugging the side of the mountain, going down meant I was on the edge, sometimes even with out a guard rail. Oh the beauty of it though. Yet there were times when looking over we saw nothing but a drop off, a very deep one at that!
Once we were down we ran to the store again to get stuff to make lazzana. Yesterday was the first day that we didn't eat out, and it was so nice. We came back and made dinner. Not long after a friend came over and we all watched a movie. Put the kids to bed late, and of course us even later. I was the last one to go to bed, as I was on the computer. A blessing for me came out of that too. A friend that I hadn't talked to in years was on facebook and chatted with me. It was so great to have him talk, he has been through so much in the last two years and cut everyone off. I love that I was able to reach out to him last night and that he responded. Thank you God!
What a good day. We have many plans for today, but I will save it for another post as I have keep you and me long enough. If I don't get going soon our day will be behind.

Ear Infections

Well, it seems that alot of kids are sick lately, and a big problem seems to be the ears.
I have been in contact with an old friend who was about to have tubes put in her son's ears, but the doctor told her that her baby needs to have two more ear infections before doing anything. Of course no one wants their kid to have to get sick more before getting help! I wrote out a few things to naturally help her son stay free of infections. I thought that I would just re post that letter here. Hope it helps someone.
May your family be healthy!



Hi Tasha,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. There are a few things you should try for your little one. First, you should know that one of the biggest causes of ear infections in young children is food allergies. Most likely dairy. Dairy products cause a high production of mucus,(and an overproduction if a child is allergic) which can get trapped in the middle ear, causing ear infections. You might want to try taking him off dairy for a few weeks and see if it makes a difference. Also if you are giving him regular milk from the store, most of the cows that produce this milk have been given antibiotics, so your child may be taking in antibiotics through him milk. While antibiotics can be good, in your milk, not so much. Organic is best.
You should most definitely have him on a really good multi vitamin, and acidophilus. It is good bactira. The way antibiotics work they kill Bactria, but cannot tell which is good and which is bad so they kill both. Acidophilus replenishes the good Bactria that antibiotics kill. It also replenishes what the infection is killing off. You can get chewable at the health food store, or Walgreen has them for about $9. You can also get chewable immune boosters at the health food store, and I even think walmart may have them now. It will just help build up his immune system so he can fight infections.
Sugar of course is a bad thing, every tea spoon of sugar lowers your immune system for 6 hours. Take how many grams of sugar are in a serving and divide by four, that is how many tea spoons you are getting. ( A can of pop averages 40grams of sugar, that's 10 teaspoons!!)
Something else you could use in addition is garlic oil. You can make your own, (cut the top off a head of garlic, cover it with olive oil, and boil for about half and hour) or you can buy garlic gel capsules. You will poke a hole in them with a needle and squeeze the oil right into his ear, and rub it on the glands around his ear. The garlic fights infection.
Holding a very warm wet wash cloth over his ear will help with the pain, and help draw the oil into his ear. You can use this as a pain reliever even if you don't use garlic oil.
I do know that most health food stores sell drops for ear aches, I don't know how well they work though. I have a friend that tried them.
Lastly, I would highly recommend taking him to a chiropractor. You can start a child in chiro. care when they are just a few days old. Everything in your body is connected to your spine, if it is out of place you could be pinching or blocking something. (Most babies vertebra are out of place just from coming through the birth canal) But when your neck is out of place it can stop your ears from draining properly. Find one that can also adjust his ears, to open them up to fully drain. Once you get his ears drained out the infections may stop.
My sister Rachael was supposed to have tubes put in her ears but after having a chiropractor adjust her the infections stopped and it was not a problem again.
Also I do not know if you know but my Lily has had lead poisoning since she was a baby. She also was having alot of ear infections, she has a compromised immune system, colon problems, and more. Since then we have used many of the things I have suggested here. And although she has alot of challenges ahead of her she has improved tremendously. But as for her ear infections, she has only had one in about a year and a half. Which is a vast improvement, as she was having them about every 2 months.
Well I hope this helps.
Let me know if there is anything else you need.
Amber

I Miss.....

There are so many things I am missing tonight.
A dear friend of my mom's. She is a wonderful, and dare I say, very feisty woman of God through my teen years. I was just gleaning so much wisdom from her, through her blog. It amazes me almost to tears how much I have missed her. It has been about 6 years since I have seen her, and I still miss her so badly some times.
Bible study is also a great "miss" of mine lately. Last year I attended a Beth Moore bible study with a friend. It was such an experience. I love learning. I love being brought to a passionate place with my God. I love being challenged. Bible study does that for me. I also miss the relationships you have in a women's bible study. I miss so much about that time.
I miss debating with my husband. Deep conversations that could go on for hours. After being married for almost six years life can sometimes be more about surviving than living. I miss that time in our relationship that was new and intellectual not just every day normal.
I miss being creative. I could be still, I know that. You just stop though. After a while my life just became to busy. My focus became more about taking care of people than about nurturing the writer/chef/craftswomen/fashion artist/ect... in me. I miss that.
I miss working out. Oh yes, you heard me right. I am a fat woman that loved to work out. I miss the feel of muscles stretching. I miss the thrill of my heart pounding in my chest, and every part of me-even the ones I didn't know I had- being sore the next day. I miss that! (Don't tell me to get up and do it-that doesn't seem to work.)
I miss living a slow simple life. Not being busy all the time. Not going constantly. I miss having my day free. Free of appointments, and things that need to be done, and thoughts that won't stop racing in my mind. Free of my long list of things to do. I know that you all feel what I'm talking about here.
There are so many things that I miss in my life. Yet, I am blessed. For all the things I miss there is something I can be grateful for. That doesn't change the fact that I want the things I miss. It just means I have other things to be joyful about. It means that when I say I miss my baby in heaven, I can still be joyful for my Lily on earth. It doesn't change how I feel about one, it just increases the joy I have for the other thing in my life. It's not always easy to remember to be joyful when you are missing something you have lost. It is growth.
Well, it's late, and I'm not sure this made sense to anyone, but thanks for listening.

A Good Day

Today had been productive and fun! While getting ready to make breakfast my little girl came in and asked "can-cakes?" Her way of saying pancakes, which is one of her favorite foods. So after I told her yes we can make can-cakes :) She said to me "counter". Which is her way of asking to sit on the counter. So I pulled her up, and handed her the whisk. I put the ingredients in the bowl, and she started to stir. This is the way pancakes get made at my house. I measure, and she stirs. So while they were on the griddle we set the table, getting out the apple sauce and syrup. My husband came in and joined us for breakfast, where Lily stopped us from eating twice to pray.
Shortly after there was a lovely battle of wills about taking vitamins. Something that we do daily, she doesn't get a choice. After Brian left, I got Lily dressed, and put her hair up in a bun. She looked so sweet. Just like a ballerina. She then "talked" with me, and brushed my hair.
We mixed up molasses cookies, that are now in the fridge waiting for me to bake them. She also took the bucket of flour being out to mean that it was play time. So after dumping a substantial amount onto the worst carpet to clean. She took off all her clothes and jumped in it!
We decided that maybe it was time to do a little more work on her potty training, so after getting her clothes and panties we set off to do dishes. I looked over to see that she had taken the bottom rack out of the dishwasher and was pushing it around the house like a car. With canning jars still in it! So after putting it back I found out she had also hid my silverware basket, which took about 1/2 an hour to find. It was under my bed.
By the time the dishes were done it was time for lunch. As I was pealing her orange she stood next to me. Then she suddenly looked up and very matter-a-factly stated "I peed." Sure enough she stood in a puddle. So we changed her. Then she took her orange to sit in a box with cups and her baby doll, who I later discovered Lily had been trying to feed her oranges to. Sticky baby doll!
Well, now she is napping. I have laid down to read, but am now up. I am off to clean house, make cookies, lazzana, bread sticks, and shower. Company tonight, and hopefully a little more time to myself yet today.
This has been a good day. Any day when Lily is not sick, and is acting like a kid is a good day.

Hey There,

Hey there, it's been a while. I have been so busy, but since I'm back I thought I would give my blog a little make over.
I tried changing my background yesterday, and found out this morning that it wasn't working. So I have spent the last hour or so trying to fix it, and I think I've finally got it. Now I just need to keep up the posting. What discipline it takes. Although I guess most things in our lives do.
We have been on the run for almost a week strait now. Before that there was a lot of sickness in our home. I am so ready for things to just slow down!
I was once very much into living a simple life, at home. Now I seem to be living an insanely busy one everywhere else. This is going to change! I am not giving myself a choice :O (Now we will have to see if I can stick with that)
There has been so much going on in my life, physically, with getting sick. Spiritually, oh boy that is a whole post to itself. Even my marriage and life as a mother seem to have changed so much in the last few months.
I have also started a group with my dear friend for mothers who have lost babies through miscarriage and still birth. Although not much has happened with it yet, just the planning to get it off the ground was much more on me emotionally than I thought it would be.
Again I need to run, I have a list to get done. Hopefully having my home in order will give me more time to simply be, but it takes work to get it that way. So soon I will return, until then, pray, live, and love.......
Amber

Moderation and Motivation

I think just about everyone out there can agree, it is cold out. This morning it was -19 with a wind chill of -40! I keep looking out my window thinking, but the snow is so beautiful! How can something with so much beauty be so harmful? So breathtaking, and yet so harsh at the same time.
I know this is the way life is. There are always things that will take our breath away in it's beauty, but can be so detrimental. This is sin. There are so many things in the world that are simple, yet tempting. I find my self thinking more and more about all the things I am doing wrong. All the things I want to change in my life. Oh, but the wonder of relaxing! That is where my biggest downfall lies. I love to relax. To take things slowly. This is not a bad thing mind you. It can be very beneficial. Until I decide to go online instead of exercise, to nap instead of clean my house, to watch tv instead of teach my daughter. Even things like eating out, reading, talking endlessly, all of these things can be bad if not done in moderation.
I am still learning the word moderation. To stop resting when I should be doing something, but to know when I need rest. (When there are things to be done but I am in NEED of rest is not the same as just resting because you don't want to get up, and get things done) Another area where I fall is food. I love food. I love making food, trying new food, even just the smells are amazing to me. Yet, I don't always remember moderation. Which can be a bit of a problem when you are always hungry, such as I am. Moderation in my activities is often a down fall too. It is balance that I crave, and strive towards, sometimes.
Yet another word God is teaching me is motivation. I think this goes along with wanting to relax too much. I am just not motivated enough to get up, and do the things I know I ought to do. I know in my head when I am being lazy, the problem I have is putting some action behind it! Even my spiritual life is in great need of motivation. So many times there are things I would rather do, or feel I need to do than speed time in God's word, praying, or just listening to him.
As I said, these are things God has been teaching me, well speaking to my heart/head may be a better way of putting it. So I am very much a working progress, and will continue to be the rest of my life.
For me it hasn't so much been the things I read, hear, or learn that are leading me to moderation, and motivation. It is purely a nudge from God. The conviction I get, (or sore bones:D) from doing one thing to long, when I know God has more for me. I know this is something he will continue to teaching me about for a long time.
I just want to ask you, where are you at in your daily life concerning moderation, and being motivated? Are you enjoying so much of a good thing that it becomes bad? Are you keeping your heart moving both in life and spiritually? How do these word affect you, where you are right now?

Blessings and Challenges

Wow, what a week! There are so many ways to describe this week, so much happened. I don't even know where to start. Well, here is my attempt. ;)
On Tuesday my friends and I went shopping. We bought 250 lbs of flour among many other things. That was the beginning to a very long week of service. At 8pm that night we started making the sponge for 250 bread bowls. Why so many??
Our church has a team in Sudan, Africa. They serve by building, and working in medical clinics, reaching out to hurting people, and just loving on them. I love Africa. I have never been there, but there is a bit of my heart that has always been softened for them. Every year or two our church sends a team of people for a few weeks to go help the team living there. It is very costly to go, but it is a calling, so we go. It is as simple as that. Almost. There is still the hard part; raising the money to go. Here is where the 250 bread bowls came in. We were a part of a fundraiser to send our team. Our church held a soup and sweets benefit. Two kinds of soup, served in a homemade bread bowl, and so many yummy deserts. Such a good night, and very filling.
So that brings you up to date about the why. Here is the week.....
We started making the bread at 8 pm Tus. There were 3 of us doing the main work and a few other girls that came some for hours, some for the entire night to help us. We worked around the clock, no stopping. Although we did rotate from time to time to get some sleep. The last bowls were pulled out of the oven at 5:30 am Fri. morning. 58 hours after the first sponge was started! Of course there was also clean up, the shopping, and prep time. Not to mention the benefit its self, which some of us worked at until it was over. So in the end we are figuring apox. 70-75 hours from Tus through Fri. What a week! I personally got about 5 hours of sleep in that time. Crazy!!!
There were many ups and downs during that time. Physically and Emotionally. In the chaos of it all my two year old was very sick, and by my side as much as she could be. Those of us married basically neglected our husbands, who were so great about helping us all they could. Even to the point of learning how to make the bread. That's right people, my husband who is very well known for not cooking learned how to make bread. He then took over the entire operation for two hours by himself and sent us main girls out to lunch with our date money. All because he could see the stress mounting to great proportions. We were all so blessed by my husband. I am so lucky :) Thank you honey!
There were so many hours of uncontrollable laughing, and probably just as much crying. It was not easy, but the time spent together was well worth it. The people that will be helped makes it well worth it. So many things make me glad that I've done it. Although my body is still catching up with me :p
We all spent New Year's night together. We talked about our last year and the coming year. Most of you that know me already know that I did not have a very good year, and I am hoping for many changes this year. I spent some time with my two closest friends that night. I shared with them a box of things I have from my baby Jordan. We cried so hard. Yet, I was very blessed to be able to share that with them, to talk, and cry, and be loved by my dear ones through that pain. I can not express in words how grateful I am for that time with them. Bringing in the new year with out my baby was something I worried about. God sent them I know. He had them there at just the right time. Thank you girls. I love you.
There was a lot of sharing this week, a lot of encouragement, and godly advice. I wanted to post it all, but really for now I feel like just storing it all up in my heart.
There were also a lot of challenges. We were very tired, and not always nice to be around. We ran out of stuff, and were worried about time. There was also a person that God was definitely using to test us. I got angry more than once. It was a hard week and we made it through, but there was so much going on in my house, and my heart, and my mind. It was emotionally straining.
I have learned much, I have felt much, I have loved much, and I have grown much. Again though I don't know what to say. I don't know how to express all God has done this week. Maybe soon.
So I will move ahead. The benefit went well. I believe somewhere around 1600$ was raised. We ran out of soup, although we had about 80 bread bowls left, and the deserts were sssoooooooo good. It was a night of fun, and exhaustion. We really could have used so many more volunteers, but it was great to have the ones we did! I stayed until most of the clean up was done.
Afterward the sweet girl that put the whole thing together sat down with me, and we started talking, and talking, and talking. We then decided to take our conversation out for coffee, so off we went. I didn't get home until 3 am. Oh, but I was so blessed. We had so many life giving, encouraging, teaching talks in those hours. We got to know each other. No matter how tired I was, I would not have traded sleep for that time. I so love this girl, and will say again, I was so blessed. I would love to share with you some of the wonderful things I am thinking on from this time, but for now, it will wait.
Of course Sat I slept. My husband wouldn't let me do anything else. Now with some sleep, and of course coffee, I am starting to feel half way human again.
One major thing I will share with you is something God told me this morning. I was sitting during worship this morning,(God understood that my body was to weak to stand) as I started singing. From somewhere deep down in my heart I was so focused on honoring God when I had this thought pop into my head. God I haven't done anything for you this week. I haven't read your word, I haven't spent time with you. I haven't done anything to really teach my daughter about you. I haven't worshiped you. I have been so horrible. Then very clearly I felt God say to me: You honored me with your life, you worshiped me with your service, you taught your daughter by being an example for her. God told me that making bread bowls honored Him. That my service was living my life in a godly way. Now I am not telling you this to boast. Please know that. I am telling you because it was so humbling you guys. I have never felt so loved by the Father than this morning. I have never been so encouraged about how I live than I was at the moment. It was such honey on my spirit. I was so close to crying, and still am as I write this. God is so amazing, in the mist of my tiredness, stress, and other things that infuriated me this week, God has blessed me in my heart so much. I hope that makes sense.
This was my week. There is so much more in my heart. I was planning on posting it all. This was not the way I was thinking about this post, but now that I have written I feel this is the way it should be for now. I will store up the treasures from this week. I will let them seep in my spirit, and soon I will be back to share them with you. Maybe one at a time, maybe all at once, I don't know. We will just have to see what God leads. Until then I will be praying blessings for all of you.